a peek into a special family

Sending 2011 out with a Texas size bang! {day 5}

2012-01-25T15:48:00.000-08:00

So there we were, driving down the Texas freeway towards ..... DALLAS! Of course Nate had figured out what was in store but the kids were not sure, though Stock had some ideas and had passed them along he wasnt entirely sure he was right {as if it would have been anything else in this bloody blue family}! This little jaunt was probably the biggest patience tester of the course, the kids were on their very worst behavior and we were tired. Might have been the only time i was feeling like a road trip was not a good idea, thank goodness it was a fleeting moment and i suppose we had to have at least one of them. We checked into Embassy suites late the evening of day 4 and I was delighted to crash into a bigger hotel room built for families!

I know what your all thinking .... boy were these two lads cut from the same mold ... i know i know!

Day 5 morning my kids read a clue about watching a battle and ensuring that we bleed blue, all with hopes of victory! and I dressed them in cougar duds. Bowl game destined we traveled in glee! A big shout out to the Thursday Heroes program that so graciously made this happen for our little family and brought us all pure delight.

Almost just as we arrived we ran into Cosmo, saylors used to be destined beau. He proposed immediately, she giggled, and he blushed. Too bad saylor has recently figured out that mascots are not at all real and that there is actually a person inside there! she has now resigned to not marry an actual cougar, she still thought it was fun.

I particularly was excited about the fact that the bowl game was the "armed forces bowl"! i have such a tender American spot in my heart for those that have and those that do fight for our freedom. We all had a good time hanging out in the REAL choppers used by our military, watching the parachute-rs drift down into the stadium, and the jets are always a sure fav!

The game was for the most part a bit disappointing, that is until the last 11 seconds when the game turned and adrenaline rushed. It was one of those moments in which you just would not want to miss the excitement. So proud of the cougs for turning things around and making magic happen!

Family pic at the stadium and stock in front of the doak walker statue. we traveled over to the after game concert featuring the "lt dan band" meaning GARY SINiSE ... you know CSI NY or otherwise known as LT Dan?!!! AHHH i personally love this guy so i was super excited to see him in real life ... too bad with 4 kids, one being a baby and another in a chair it was next to impossible to get anywhere near close enough to satisfy my curiosity. we arent much for concerts anyhow, we prefer a great sound system at home or in the car.

Off to dinner at one of our favs Cheesecake Factory, where i had perhaps the best dish i have ever had there! To the container store, somewhere i could spend hours in and a late night visit to the DALLAS T!

Sending 2011 out with a Texas size bang! {day 3&4}

2012-01-17T17:14:00.001-08:00

Thankfully we started off day 3 of our trip a little more lax, a little less early, and with people that we love very much. We needed a bit of a slow down. Love this baby pic of the two boy cousins Kyler & Nox at breakfast.

After Peyton & Hallie conquered a pediatric dentist apt and Heather taught me a little bit about the necessity of a fountain soda vs a can at home soda we ate a yummy lunch, prepared by none other then the talented and lovely Heather O'Brien, and headed out to Sea World for the remainder of the day!

This is about as cheezy and I get, max Audrey cheese! I heart sea world! I love water animals and they astound me, captivate me, draw tears even! So I was truly excited to experience this adventure. I found San Antonio Sea World to be a tad different then San Diego where there are a lot of exhibits and places to go watch the animals, more zoo style, San Antone is more ride and show style! Its glam so to speak.

We all had a great time! Saylor enjoyed every minute of the Atlantis roller-coaster not once but twice and that is the whole caboodle of us minus heather, me, two babies, and peyton. Even Hallie rode that thing! Heather, aaron, me, storie, & stock rode the steel eel! And storie was scared out of her pants, she ducked down to the floor the whole time! fantastic coaster and a good hiatus from being the mom to a new baby, if even for just a few minutes! Coasters just make me feel young and carefree again, who doesn't like that feeling?!

For my friends with disabled kids, did you know that Sea World offers disabled individuals a 50% off ticket a long with their caregiver?! really = one free pass.

Next day started out slow too with a little sleep in and some lax time at the O'Briens pad. A little spiritual insert here. In all my planning I could think of no better time for our families schedule to go do this, and I knew nate really wanted to visit aaron in SA. BUT it was hard to match up aarons schedule and unfortunately he could not get anytime off during our visit, so i just prayed that somehow they would get to spend a bit of time together, and as it turned out ... prayers answered! Aaron came home much earlier then usual and was able to get away from the hospital relatively easy both days we were there! so day 4 we just chilled until aaron got home around 230. and then we headed out the door for a night down town!

we went to "the river" but before that, a little stop off at none other then the ..... ALAMO!

Remember the Alamo? Well I dont, but anyhow it was a fantastic old building with great character and symbolism. We actually picked a horrible day to visit downtown san antone as it was the evening of the Alamo bowl and there were just you know maybe 60 thousand extra people and their cars! it was a bit stressful with 2 strollers a wheel chair and 7 kids! But it was fun to see and no regrets!

Its all lite up at night during the holidays so also just a little extra cheer! We ate out in the most true mexican style we could fine, because that was nates wish all along and my dismay, @ casa rio on the river and then we boarded a boat to join the ranks of what tourists do in this grand western city. It was lovely though because where else can you get that much history in 30 minutes? really truly fascinating, the architecture and engineering were divine and i found myself very intrigued by the history, must be getting old!

it was night and i only had my camera phone so good pics were few and far between but this building looks quiet interesting from this particular angle. almost like a sheer flat single wall. and this tree ... its the oldest and tallest of its kind still standing today.

Unfortunately the evening ended with us boarding our trusty Honda Odyssey and heading in a new direction for new adventures on day 5 and sending the other O'Briens back to their normal lives. But we sure did have a lovely time with them, and we most definitely appreciated their hospitality! Not to mention the priceless cousin moments!

Sending 2011 out with a Texas size bang! {day 2}

2012-01-08T15:58:00.000-08:00

*Before I get started with day 2 .... NEW music on the blog for 2012. As per the request of several peeps. It is only 13 tracks, but 13 very delightful tracks!

We began the day early in the morning in order to arrive at one of our bigger destinations before the evening drew too late. First on the docket was a stop off in an area that may put us at risk for alien abduction, Roswell NM. I fully intended on stopping and touring the silly alien museum but instead we counted the aliens on all the business signs and read about the myths and legends regarded here in this cooky town and only stopped for gas. The kids were being really good, Nate had figured out our end of day 2 destination and I think he was antsy as all get out to get there! sigh ... oh well not all the plans can work out perfectly.

Between Roswell and our next destination {were we did get out!} we experienced are very own episode of ice road truckers. We were also carrying expensive and valuable cargo, only difference was we were in a Honda Odyssey. Apparently NM had experienced some sort of crazy storm that led to unusual amounts of snow for them. They were so ill prepared for snow removal and de-icing the roads that around 100 miles of this particular leg was like skating on ice. I counted several dozen cars off the side of the road abandoned and we passed a dozen or so accidents, some already being attended to and others waiting. It was frightening, really truly some white knuckle driving.

Nate is a really good driver and has driven some harsh conditions in all his journeys, he got us through the ice and onto dry road before we hit .....

FORT STOCKTON TEXAS!

I myself was particularly giddy about this one. Finding a stop on our journey such as this just screamed fun no matter how po dunk it was. I did some research and found out the actual fort in the town Fort Stockton was still in tact and could be toured. By the time we got there it was mid-day, we had all been in the car around 6 hours and our little nox was proving to be the sweatiest baby {along with the sweetest} that we have ever created and filling is clothes and car seat with poop, everyone needed a potty break and some fresh air and this was just the right place.

Though this likely is a popular tourist destination {if you were to ever be a tourist in this small town for some odd reason}, not another soul was there besides the Indian woman at the museum desk who actually was pretty clear about her loyalties.

This history of this fort in short is that the military built this as a camp essentially to house traveling militia and serve other purposes not as front line as one would expect. The fort exchanged hands between the military and Indian tribes a number of times and so the name also changed several times. With these change of hands came a few battles as well. Today the main hall and a few bunk houses exist as well as a church, graveyard,jail, and some leadership housing.

I myself took a special liking to these captains homes that are now privately owned and renovated homes on the Fort property.

we all got a kick out of Nox's little noggin in this soldiers cut out and we used the time outside to catch some sun and air this little man out a bit.

Saylor's chair was dissembled and buried in the car so she was forced to walk, we saw this as a good thing but when she got tired stock the rock took over. Here you can see their happy smiling faces and the church {now painted turquoise} in the back ground. There was still a "jail" so to speak on the premises as well and I loved the old Texas wood original door.

The city of Fort Stockton has acquired themselves a mascot, the roadrunner. We found this especially funny considering that the mascot of the kids elementary school here in Provo is the roadrunner, so we couldn't help but stop by and take a pic next to the giant enormous replica of this strange and exquisite animal, apparently native to Texas.

We left Fort Stockton rejuvenated and ready to get to our next destination which held the primary reason for our journey. When I was contemplating destinations I knew that my hub would really like to visit his brother in San Antonio, he talks about it frequently. I contacted heather my sister in law and we did what we could to figure out the husbands schedule and plan this little surprise. It was a little comical at times, both Aaron & Nate became suspicious but it was still fun to pull off a bit of a surprise. Nate doesn't show emotion much and I wouldn't say he did on the trip either but I could sense his excitement and anxiousness the closer we got to San Antone. The kids were all thrilled as well, they adore uncle Aaron & aunt Heather. We were set to arrive around 7 at night and we wanted to surprise Aaron in a fun and unexpected way rather then just showing up at his house. So with Heather's help over text we planned a little Costco size surprise.

Heather got Aaron to go to Costco with her and so we pulled in and proceeded to appear as though we were shoppers and happen upon them. Aaron caught a glimpse of Storie first and wondered if he could believe what he saw then we came around the corner and surprised him. One of the most fun moments of the trip! Good times, memories!

We were all starving so we let Aaron lead the way to something we would not be able to find in Utah. Food was on Nate's mind, the kind you cant find anywhere but Texas. So we experienced Rudy's!

Some good down home BBQ with down home sides. A chain that is found in various places in the big T accompanied by a gas station usually. With your choice of meats this dining is family style and comes with an entire loaf of bread and any drink you want in the gas station, they are all the same price bottled, fountain, or otherwise. We put our pin on the map, we just couldn't help ourselves!

All the adrenaline from excitement led to a late night for the kids and an even later night for the adults :) end of day 2!

Sending 2011 out with a Texas size bang! {day 1}

2012-01-04T13:55:00.000-08:00

2011 was an epic year for my family, {though we haven't had a mild year for nearly a decade} this year brought a plethora of challenging but exquisite adventures and exciting new chapters in our book. Like many other people, at the end of a year and the beginning of a new one contemplation arises. As I reflected on what has made my year special, what makes my family strong, and how to represent something more for Christmas I came up with an idea. Not many things I could gift my kids would last a lifetime and I wanted to give them something that would, AH HA! a memory!

Then I got to thinking about how often I have thought about time over the last year and how fast it goes by, I seem to have a constant realization upon me that I am indeed running out of time to create precious childhood nuggets of laughs. So my idea expanded into a trip, a vacation of sorts but more a memory making endeavor. So I Put my planning and organizational skills to the test and began to create a secret trip full of clues, surprises, and experiences hoping that on the other side of the trip little phrases of comical speakings would become part of our lives, laughs would be had for years to come, and smiles of glee would emerge when this trip was thought of. Crazy right? Perhaps even lofty! I do have a new baby {not easy to travel with} and Saylor is still not 100% stable and good to go from surgery, Storie is exhibiting new teenage behaviors we have not adjusted to, and Stock tends to act like a 2 year old still when he is too tired! But something inside me whispered it would all work out, I trusted my spirit and went for it. Truth be told I knew there would be some bad moments, there was bound to be a little ornery-ness here and there but hey, all part of the memories right?!

Christmas morning my family got an envelope that said something to the effect of "Merry Christmas we leave tomorrow on a trip!" And detailed out the clue based affair and how it would go down along with a few rules. We left the next morning and started with this clue...

"we are headed to a place made of entrada rock, a geological wonder filled with formations shaped by eons of weather."

Because we left at about 4:30 in the morning we arrived at one of the two best times in the day to be at arches, sunrise! My kids have never been to arches and this gem of a place right close to home holds some of the most extravagant natural beauty on earth. I was excited for them to visualize in wonder. I knew this adventure would not take us much further then the road and a few look outs with a new babe and Saylor in tow, but it somehow felt like enough.

My personal fav spot ... the 3 gossips overlooking the courthouse towers, more appropriately renamed by a friend the "3 judges".

I was thrilled with the fascination and entrapment these natural wonders held in my kids eyes. I know that the modern day kid might find things such as this boring or assess little value, though I would hope for more in my parenting skills. This was a bit of a pay off. I knew then that the next destination would also be a hit!

On our way to destination #2 we took a little detour just a block or so off the main road ..

A modern day temple leading us to an ancient one!

MESA VERDE - a gem I myself have never visited {at least that I can remember, sorry 'rents}. We just couldn't get enough of this place. We ended up here several more hours then I had planned or anticipated but it felt so right so we just enjoyed. Many of the actual hikes to the dwellings were closed for the winter but the drivable loop and look outs were all open as well as the main dwelling behind the museum and visitor center. Even though it was paved its quiet steep and a bit of a long walk. Saylor trooped through it like a champ!

The mystery and intrigue of the genius of this ancient culture is so extraordinarily captivating. Its hard to describe in words.

This particular ruin has no doors to take one in or out and appears to be some kind of a place to worship, a temple so to speak. A fascination of symbolism and engineering.

The remainder of day 1 was spent driving to Albuquerque to rest our little buzzed with excitement brains. Thank you priceline for a 5 star hotel for $45!

Thanksgiving surgery

2011-12-15T17:11:00.000-08:00

For those of you that havent received the full run down, or if you have and didnt understand, here is the essentials behind Saylor's recent adventure.

As many of you know Saylor has two stomas in her stomach. One is to access her bladder and the other is to access her bowel. When we had Saylor's "new" bladder put in part of her bowel was used and after that procedure she was never the same. While many SB kids do not have bowel or bladder control due to paralysis the bladder surgery compounded this existing problem by creating a contraction problem with her bowel muscles. Basically they no longer would contract and move her waist through her very well. She also did not have much control over them when things did decide to move through. Because Saylor is so high functioning and exists pretty mainstream in the world and with her peers we found it essential to fix this problem. Thus the bowel stoma. We have had it for several years now and it has served its purpose well.

For about the last year we have had a lot of pain and exterior problems with the actual stoma site, not its function. They seemed to escalate just as we had the baby and shortly thereafter it was obvious that something needed to be emergently done. It was almost as if her body was rejecting the "door" to the stoma. Vascular scar tissue was all of the sudden building up, immense bleeding and pain was a nightly routine. Her surgeon removed the "door" late oct just before Halloween. But we all knew she wouldn't last long without a replacement before her system backed her up and cause more serious problems. Luckily he did have a plan that would hopefully fix the problem, create a new stoma, and get us back on a healthy track for her.

We all had scheduling factors to consider and with a new babe I was very nervous about how we were going to do all this. With wrestling started and Nate's demanding schedule with work also options were limited and I knew I couldnt pull this one off on my own with Nox. So it came down to Thanksgiving. Yep we chose that time ... and Saylor gracious surgeons worked around us!

Bowel surgery is a challenging and risky type. It usually includes a clear liquid diet for days prior and a "clean out" perhaps the worst of it all actually. Saylor actually handled the clear liquid diet at home pretty well considering and complained very little. We made fun things like jello jigglers and ate candy jolly ranchers with sprite.

Admission day came though and our little world was turned upside down! I ventured on this one day on my own with Saylor and babe. Full of nerves I arrived to find that we were getting a "luxe" room for how hospital rooms go and the nurses to be very supportive of my predicament. Saylor was very nervous and full of extreme anxiety. Something that would prove to be a companion for days to come. In fact I think one of the hardest things about this surgery was the mental part for Saylor and watching her struggle through it.

The picture above is saylor eating a slushy with the dreaded NG tube down her to clean her out. It was a long day full of sad words and discouraging times but with the loving arms of our Savior, lots of tears, and prayers by us and others we made it through to surgery the next morning.

Surgery day was likely the most relaxed day of the entire week stay. Saylor was not in pain and was very comfortable. Mostly out of it the whole day. She did not require much from us and It was such a relief to have a little bit of a respite break. Surgery was long but went well.

The days to follow brought a lot of pain and more anxiety. Every spectrum of pain was present for Saylor and several for Nate & I too.

Hard times and Holy places really says it all and maybe even an understatement. These are the times though that I realize are my most cherished in so many ways. A time of growth and perspective. A time of sweetness and pain that thins the veil here on earth.

It reminded me how connected my children are and were as she wanted them and they wanted her. The kids were mostly banned from the hospital, minus little babe for obvious reasons. Some tender moments of comfort and cheer.

I went home every night and came back every morning and Nate played the live in the hospital primary care giver for the first time in 8.5 years. Kind of a strange roll reversal but it was actually really nice for both of us to get a taste of the other side. He nurtures her differently then I do ... he does it by putting on purple capes and doing crafts with her and then becoming kind of a hardened coach when it was time to get up and get moving!

Many of you have asked me "did it work" I dont yet have that answer for you. We are not using the new stoma as that whole area needs a lot of time to heal. But soon we will start using it with a small volume and a few months I should know. What I do know is that our lives and mostly Saylors have had less pain since the removal of the old door then we have had in a years time. So it was worth it for that alone. I hope that the new system brings her function and physical peace.

Like all our adventures with Saylor, I expect this was a necessary trial for us all and that good will come of it.

I am so grateful for the immense amount of support we received. For prayers and well wishes. For fasting and temple roll placement. For food and visits. For caring for our other children. For errands, leaf raking, and emails from those we never expected. It is sometimes hard to be the recipient of service, but it too has its blessings and lessons. We pray that you all will be blessed for your kind acts of charity and know that we love and appreciate you.

The G Tree

2011-12-05T16:03:00.000-08:00

This year at our house during the month of NOV we had a GTree in the house! A gratitude tree that started off bare and eventually finished its days off like this. First time tradition that will never be lost, it was a fun and a beautiful experience. The girls helped me make the leafs and we left a vase with the leafs and sharpies near the tree all month, everyone was free to do as much or as little as they wanted and to write what they wanted. The only rule .... no reading the leafs!

Thanksgiving day would be a lovely day to read the leafs but for our fam this year we read on the Sunday after T-day. We spent T.day at PCMC and i just decided it would best to wait until we were all home gathered around our own table eating together. And i am grateful i did, it really extended the season a bit for us.

All the leafs were meaningful and touching and i couldn't believe the mature perspectives of my kids. They continue to amaze me. And some of the leafs left us rolling with laughter. Good times!

new appreciation for newborn photogs

2011-11-27T20:33:00.000-08:00

I have a good deal of photography friends and that many more acquaintances! I even know my fair share about the industry and had been told before that newborn photography was difficult! In no way did I not believe this notion I just really had no idea how difficult!

I used the same amazing photog {sweet memory gardens} for this shoot as my maternity shoot. I have so much fun with angie and can really relate to her on a personal level and I adore her newborn and baby work, it really is her niche. But i pushed her and therefor my own experience out of the box. At angie's studio the conditions are prime for newborn shoots, its warm and all the props are there and angie has this experience down to a science. I really wanted shots here at my home though and thought that it would still be ideal and all because it was home right? Not so much! Here are the shots I just couldn't live without ...

I really wanted to snug the little bug into one of our bookcase cubbies. I love to read and I just have been thinking about this shot for months now. We waited a bit until he was a few weeks old because of the whole oxygen/monitor thing and even here he is still on the stuff we just had to sneak him on and off to get shots without it. He barely fit in the cubbie, they just grow so darn fast! Just in the nick of time.

angie was so darn sweet that she made a itty bitty wrestling singlet for us knowing that nate was really into wrestling and we got these shots just for him. She simply is the very best!

I personally love these two and this one as well ...

It had been a very difficult and challenging day for me personally and i was frankly nothing shy of a big mess so our original plan to have a whole family session was shot done by my down trodden looks and nates lack of good scheduling. It worked out to get a shot of all the kiddos though, an especially charming one!

angie was with us for 5 or 6 hours and was so patient as we juggled a fussy ornery baby, nursing, 3 other kids, changing bums, oxygen, and monitors. I wanted to cry eventually! I had no idea that getting just a few shots would be so traumatic and difficult and take so much time!!! I marveled however at angies patience and her ability to calm a baby that wasnt even hers, she has a serious magic touch and really knows what to do positionally and how to make it all doable and comfortable. Newborn photogs really work for the money! holy moly!

because we are friends angie also let me know that this was especially difficult and though most newborn shoots are a challenge that she found nox to be a bit more fussy then the fussiest of kids she has shot. kind of made me feel bad, and good at the same time! it wasnt just me after all thinking he was so challenging. i love that she can be honest with me too!

We also got this shot below our Anthony Robles quote on our wall. It was important to me for emotional reasons. I have blogged about this quote before but really it meant a great deal to me during the pregnancy. deciding to endeavor on this journey to bring nox here was a difficult decision and then a blessed surprise. But it was really hard and anthony's words reminded me a great deal of the pleas to my Father in heaven that i uttered so frequently. "make it hard, just make it possible ...."

and last but not least a little gem to send you off for the holidays! a photoshoped work of genius.

Nox is healthy and doing quiet well considering the rough start we got. I really feel like he is settling into our little fam delightfully. He is now just over 2 months and is weighing in over 10lbs and 21 inch long. He is eating well and breathing well too! what a relief. We still have to be so cautious with him in the coming months but we are so grateful for all the love, support, prayers, amazing pediatrician and the blessings that have come.

and to you my friend angie ... you are so truly sweet and charitable. I simply adore you and can think of no other friend in your industry i would have rather have gone through that day with!

Photography credit: sweet memory garden

House arrest

2011-11-20T14:19:00.000-08:00

This post is long overdo, i fully intended to write about these things before now, our lives are so full of things to write about and share, i cannot keep up! so here it goes ... though its a little dated!

As you might assume from the previous post coming home with accessories initially did not feel overwhelming, and let me just say up front even though it became overwhelming i of course would still have rather of come home, i would take any sweet child of mine at home over the hospital any day regardless of the situation.

It took some serious adjustment to deal with all the tanks, tubing, and monitors. Not anything like having a healthy newborn at home. We have experienced a good deal of fun accessories of this type at home but believe it or not, not this particular kind! I soon realized that the baby was not at all mobile. I couldn't carry him from room to room to get anything done or check on other children. In fact moving him was quiet the endeavor. The face stickers were torment and the tubing up his nose was too. constant pulling and replacing of numerous facets of equipment accompanied by even more constant beeping. I think we might also be completely incompatible with monitor sensors, we seemed to burn through those at a rate that was alarming to our home health care company!

it didnt take long for me to come down off my high of being home and crash into the new arrest that i had found myself in. In the mornings it was so difficult to get baby and car seat and all his equipment out the door along with 3 other kids, all their homework and school needs, a wheelchair and crutches and myself ... just for 5 min to take them to school. fun times. repeat again at the end of the day! if i ever was any kind of a recluse it did not compare to what i became over the month of O2 at home!

We spent a lot of apts at dr laurets office as he patiently worked through some serious reflux issues, weight gain and growth issues, and the obvious respiratory issues. days still felt long like they do in the hospital, i wondered {even though i knew better} if we would get to a "normal" place in time. I even felt guilty about my anxiousness and impatience, i know many families go through much more then we do and deal with these very same things much longer then we do! heck in some respects i had been through much more then this, i dare say i was struggling for my usual strength and patience.

our time did come to an end and though he seemed to be starting at a snail pace he sped up and we got on our way. He came off O2 and monitors the second week of October, freeing us all! It felt {feels} so good! we still have respiratory concerns, especially as we head into RSV and cold weather season and he still is very much in a cautionary state but all seems to be headed in the right direction.

Whats to come ... well the most darling ever newborn pics from the craziest newborn shoot ever & 2 month old stats!

On a side note: our sweet saylor has also been dealing with some serious health challenges as of late. Our period of rest and stabilization with her has ended. She gets admitted to PCMC tomorrow and will have surgery on tue the 22nd. should be a fun thanksgiving in the hospital. a first for our little family. I can think of no better way to spend at least one gratitude day in my life, i have so much to be thankful for! i will update fb with her condition and eventually the blog.

much love.

nox & his birth story {part 2} - the NICU

2011-10-28T09:49:00.000-07:00

As much as it is to be expected at this point that our baby would end up in this challenged area of the hospital, its still an emotional struggle and a disappointment. We had a great deal of NICU experience under our belt prior to this, a little bit with the two older kids, and months worth with saylor, so I expected to be able to get through a little breathing challenge like a breeze. Not so.

We carefully selected our delivery hospital and OB. So much so that it greatly inconvenienced us as all of those services were in slc and we were in provo. We knew that there were very few docs willing and actually capable of taking on the risks that we had to offer with a pregnancy and we wanted someone familiar and comfortable. With dr ball {our fetal surgery UCSF OB} at st marks, the decision was a no brainer! But the NICU brought that choice all into a different perspective and really made me acquire some serious second thoughts.

Pretty quickly we felt unwelcome in the NICU and unaware of what was going on with Nox. The nurses were not comforting or kind, they were pushy and obtrusive and made us feel not welcome there. There was no level of communication with the neos and or nurses and anxiety began to mount for us quickly. I actually had to seek out the neo and demand info and a care plan. Though over the week we were delighted to have a good warm nurse here and there things didnt get much better. I felt imprisoned and depressed. There came a sense about the situation that he wasnt ours and that we could not and should not be involved in the decisions behind his care. Granted i was sensitive and emotional but people i wasnt flying blind here, been there, done that, i knew what my previous experiences had been. This was such a far cry from UCSF, a place that eventually grew to be part of our souls and our home! We were dumbfounded and unsure of what to do and how to handle it.

The situation improved just a tad when my OB stepped in after I told her that things were not going well and that i was upset about several things. She called the social worker without telling me and soon we got a visit and the staff began to endeavor to meet our needs. But it felt reluctant, and then we felt like were being ridiculous and or abnormal or whiny and difficult, one of "those" parents. A really unfair feeling from my perspective.

The peek came near the end of our stay when nate had gone home to care for the other kids and go to a football game and i was left to juggle the insanity i was experiencing. One night at 2:30 am i went to feed nox and found him missing, in a procedure to change his IV yet again. His veins werent holding them well. I could hear him screaming in the other room and over an hour later i lost it! They poked at him for an hour straight, he never stopped screaming. Several people tried and no one could get in a vein. I was livid that they did not stop and give him a break and re-evaluate their plan with a neo. I got the charge nurse and told her enough we are taking a break, the IV is not life or death its only for antibiotics it can wait. She was so angry that I had overstepped bounds this ridiculous place had so rudely drawn, she treated me as though i had intruded on another baby's care. She immediately was defensive. She began to argue with me believe it or not. 30 min later she was still fighting with me and i couldnt take anymore. The stress ruptured and i headed up to my room to take a moment to remove myself and call nate to determine how to handle this.

nate usually is the lower key individual in these circumstances. Urging me to be patient and not judgmental to look at things in other perspectives. When it comes to medical stuff its usually me armed with the knowledge and communication. not this time. When i got off the phone i thought things were no different, that i would have to figure out how to fix this despite that i felt emotionally out of my element and uncomfortable as all get out. to my surprise nate was determined to resolve this as he sat home filled with anger about the situation. he called the hospital and demanded to talk with the charge nurse who fought with me and hospital administration. it did not take very long for people to start coming to my room with apologies. The next day i felt a peace in a plan and clear constructive communication. I still felt unwelcome and even more like the parent everyone hates while i visited the NICU but i felt comfort in nates support and a turn around of care.

It became evident that they wanted to get rid of us as much as we wanted to leave. and that one helpful staff member, the social worker began to step in. So they arranged for some home health care and a way for us to go home even though Nox was not entirely ready.

Only 24 hours later I took my son home on oxygen and monitors. I felt like i truly was being released from prison. I cant even begin to explain the strange and unfamiliar emotions i felt. the release and happiness. the feeling that he finally was mine! A week that felt like a year! I have been there before, we have done 20 surgeries alone on saylor in addition to the NICU stays. I know how taxing a hospital room can be. But this, this was so far from pleasant the feelings were extreme. {little did i know that i was moving from maximum security to at home arrest.} either way it was a much better situation and i was delighted to have my little man back full time and be able to delight in the little things, like a shower in my shower and my kids surrounding me and a familiar place to rest my head.

more on at home arrest to come ...

nox & his birth story {part 1}

2011-10-10T10:35:00.000-07:00

Having a planned c-section was a very surreal and strange experience of emotions for me. I never really got to the place were I was 100% ready to relinquish the experience and the miracle. It felt strange to me that it was over and I had done what I set out to do. I had never before felt that way, the 3 others ended with an embrace and immense relief to be emptied and were a bit unplanned when it all ended. This experience allowed for a good deal of planning and contemplation, something foreign and somewhat unexpected. We in fact MADE it to our destination of 36 weeks, there I was at that destination with a strong and big baby suddenly filled with a bit of sadness that it was over and immense happiness and anticipation as I reflected on my little man and his new presence in my life, and the possibility of a more normal experience.

Driving to a planned delivery, knowing that what was inside of me was about to come out with calmness and not much intensity was a new emotion for me. After we arrived at the hospital and the process began I was overcome with tears and anxiety as I got a little nervous for surgery and felt that the time was fleeting too fast and was not adequate for me to experience it all. The minutes raced by and soon I was in the OR delivering a little man. He came out screaming and BIG for his gestation. and with a full head of dark hair! something very unusual for us!

Nox Heleman O'Brien - 8:15 am September 14th 2011 6lbs 8 oz.

the sadness then fleeted and happiness filled my soul and excitement that he was big and healthy and hope, i filled with hope that this one would not go to the NICU and would room with us and go home with us! In just moments my expectations hit really high and out of control and just as fast as they soared they came crashing down as he began to struggle to breath and was removed from our possession.

Only a mere few moments graced us before he was removed and taken to the NICU where he would stay for the next week overcoming struggles I did not believe would befall him.

The next hours filled me with agony and familiarities while i struggled with the pain that comes after delivery alone while Nate attended to Nox and the intense happenings of the NICU. We almost dont really know how to do it any other way. So i embraced what i know all too well and began fervent prayers for the strength of my son and the team of doctors caring for him.

More to come ...

Beauty & Drool

2011-09-05T17:02:00.000-07:00

When I was pregnant back yonder in the younger days one of my closest friends told me about this book, "The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy: or everything your doctor wont tell you" and though I meant to read it this time around {I did read it last time}, I never got to it. But I haven't forgotten the gift that it was to me, it truly has stuck with me through all these years! I remember distinctly thinking "I wish I had had this book with my first baby or that someone would have told me it was all going to be like this!" This book really gets down to the nitty gritty of what it really IS to be pregnant! Because the day in and day out IS not what your doctor tells you. Its all the little things that change every facet of your body, mind, strength, and spirit. Some are less then graceful and beautiful, but they all make up the cumulative beauty that IS pregnancy, the creation of life!

To express the beauty of pregnancy coupled with some of those less talked about things, I thought I would create a unique and raw post for you. I never took maternity pics with any of my 3 previous pregnancies. I literally {no joke take a look at some of my raw fb pics ... } am one of the very least photogenic people in the universe. On top of that, I dont handle viewing myself all that well so this seemed like a no brainer ... maternity pics are OUT! But as this pregnancy progressed and knowing that I have matured a great deal, I couldn't help but want to consider it. Because this IS beautiful, even if its not photogenic. In fact I find it to be so incredibly beautiful, especially considering the physical challenge that it brings me specifically that I wavered my decision a little and decided that maternity pics are ON! After seeking out just a few of my most favorite photogs for advice and inquiry I then flopped again to the other side of the fence and decided not to do it, until that is, my loving photog friend Angie convinced me to do it with a sacred oath of private security upon the shoot and the images. We had a great time at our little shoot and Angie made me feel so comfortable and beautiful. It wasn't long before I was so grateful that I did this! So mixed with the beauty {edited} that the talented Angie of Sweet Memory Gardens captured of me and baby, you will find grueling text about some of the specific nitty gritties of this pregnancy, things a doc would never tell you, but things a girlfriend should!

DrOOL: I picked this image for this topic because of how the two conflict and contradict each other. A little sexy right? Well drooling is NOT sexy! I cannot recall the need for excessive saliva in baby baking. Since when was that an ingredient? It never was for my other 3 and they turned out just fine! This time around I cant seem to stop the flow! Waking up in pools of drool next to the man you love wont likely create feelings of beauty or intimacy for either one of you! Not to mention waking up from a nap with a soaked sleeve or shoulder ... never in my life have I had to change clothes mid-day for this type of problem! Not to mention the sudden need to swallow more frequently while in conversation to reduce the incidence of spitting! Couldn't get more real then that right? Apparently I am not the only one because limitless baby/pregnancy websites list and discuss this issue. Good to know I am not a lone, still not liking this added ingredient. What I have learned: It actually has a medical terminology, go figure! Welcome to the unpleasant side effect known as ptyalism or sialorrhea. Also apparently more common in women with more sever cases of morning sickness. {or in other words throw-up all day long sickness, or in my case even all night long!}

CRaVINGS: I am writing about this only because I think its one of THE most common questions that befall an expecting mother, and I have been asked my fair share. I have a sweet tooth on a regular basis anyhow but pregnancy does not usually magnify that for me. In fact some of you might already know that with Stock I ate a lot of mayonnaise! PLAIN! This time around vanilla has been the flavor of choice. But not just any vanilla, quality counts! Costco has delivered every time with their Kirkland brand vanilla ice-cream. I also have been known to eat a Haagan Daz bar {or two} a day! And for a few weeks somewhere in there I really enjoyed SCORE bars. As of late though the amount of food of any kind consumed by me and the baby has decreased and the level of ICE has increased. I am not an ICE person, I typically like low ice in all my drinks, the cold typically bothers my veneers. And I have never been known to chew ice for pleasure, but here I am chewing endless bags of ice away.

How many times do you PEE in the night?: My dark hours are about as comfortable as laying on a bed of rocks! Actually I was really delighted with the outcome of my willingness to lay on this creek side stone beach. And in reality my night routine is much more unbearable then getting this picture was or ever could be. I am not sure if its my age this time around, or damage done to my inner urinary organs during fetal surgery and emergency delivery, or if its just the position of this particular baby, or a combo of all sorts of elements but I feel about 90 years old with a 100% incompetent bladder. I swear to you that not a night has passed in the last 6 months that I have gone to the bathroom less then 10 times between 10pm and 7am. Who does that?! And can live with it long term?! Honestly I truly have considered a catheter its that bad!

Non Stress Test ARE actually STRESSful: Like many high risk expectant moms as I have gotten down to the wire it has been a weekly requirement to undergo NST's & AFI's. The more I do, the more I feel that they cause more stress then actually monitor stress. Having in depth ultrasounds on the same day adjacent to the AFI has made me realize that the fluid measurement is likely not accurate, so why do it? And 20 min of rushed monitoring does not equate to a definitive answer of contracting or not. Not to mention for me the drive to and from st marks in constant construction helps out my stress level a ton!

HuMAN oVEN: It is in fact true that a pregnant woman runs a few degrees hotter then the rest of us non baking ovens walking around. And anyone intentionally planning a summer pregnancy is truly INSANE! Because this has been downright nearly unbearable! I am just one big ball of hot sweaty mess!

HYPERventilation?!: I pretty continuously have a tingling feeling in my face. Which i have been told is some kind of hyperventilation. I am so bothered by the idea of mis-diagnosis and not being listened too. On the flip side I have learned over the years {especially with saylor} that I am also very bothered by subjection to mass quantities of tests to determine a culprit of a specific kind. I feel this in the calmest of times and for a long duration. I have tried taking deep breaths, short breaths, any kind of breaths you can think of. And yet the tingling persists. I have to admit its far better then the "vaginal spasms" some idiot doc diagnosed me with while pregnant with saylor.

HoW DO U answer THAT ??: So I get asked a lot, "how are you doing?" or "how are you feeling?" And genuinely it is in no way the question that bothers me, in fact I really appreciate the genuine sincerity of those that truly care about how I am. Its the answer that bothers me. How does one answer that question when they feel like I do? With grace and honesty both at the same time? My life is bi-polar actually. In any given moment I can feel elated by the miracle of life moving inside of me and then tortured by the pain it creates. That is how I feel, for those of you that are wondering.

I'll leave you with just those few gritties and save the most disturbing ones for those "girlfriend" conversations. In the end this has been a pregnancy well accomplished. I have made it further then anyone involved anticipated, and without being in bed! {Though not without restrictions, meds, and pain!} I worked nearly till the end ... ok in some regards I am even still working :) and have managed 3 other kids with craaaazy schedules and an even busier husband! Baking this baby boy has been a joy for the most part, a blessing beyond measure, and an assurance of who I am and want to be. I have enjoyed this pregnancy more thoroughly then ever before and in many ways look with ill anticipation to it's end. The movement inside me, a constant miracle and feeling unlike anything else will be so missed and yet his arrival will be such a relief!

All images courtesy of: Sweet Memory Garden

A few Inspiring Young Fellows

2011-08-27T11:45:00.000-07:00

So for more then a week or so has passed and I have endeavored to blog about some hilarious insights into my pregnancy, before it ends of course, and I still am in the thick of the comedy! I usually blog personally on the weekends, seeing how it is that I blog all week long professionally. I still hope to get to this before baby comes, even though it seems these days with just a little more then two weeks left, that he could really need to be delivered any day ... any moment. Ill do my best to entertain you still!

But today I have decided to blog about some of the benefits that I have received from being involved so heavily in the athletic world of both my husband and son. It comes in the way of some serious inspiration and touching perspectives of life. Nate introduced me {on the TV that is} to this amazing young man Anthony Robles who is a current national champ out of Arizona in the college wrestling world. Whats amazing about him, he was born with only one leg! He recently was the recipient of the Jimmy V award at the Espy's. His speech was nothing short of inspiring and touching, I particularly find his mom to be a stunning inspiration to me. Its so hard to watch sometimes, being a mom is truly the most incredible and emotionally painful experience to be had here on earth. I kept thinking how is she watching him wrestle? I can hardly watch Stock and hold back tears and stomach contents!

Robles Acceptance Speech at ESPY Awards (Jimmy V Award) from Keith Jennings on Vimeo.

Anthony's story obviously hits home really hard for me as I watch my own talented son strive for excellence in this same sport and as I watch my own little miracle child endeavor to beat all the odds in front of her to become something impossible. Anthony's message ... is going up on our wall!

He reminds me a little of another wrestling friend, Henry Cejudo. A wrestler who beat many odds and became an Olympic gold medalists. A few years back when I was first privileged to meet Henry i was so smitten with his humble nature and his ease and willingness to let saylor wear his gold medal for a while! His book still stands out to me as one of the most inspiring books I have read. These two young men not only inspire my children but they have taught me a great deal about work, hard work, and what it takes to be a true champion. {Henry's book is called American Victory}

If Nate is home and has down time, a sport channel is on the TV! You can be sure of it. And though this usually annoys me to some extend I have found myself pretty fascinated and impressed with all the stories on ESPN's E60. I will even go as far as to say I would watch the program if he wasnt around ... yep I know your stunned right?

I am so grateful on so many levels for the inspiring nature of athleticism and its contribution and influence in my home. For the man I married and what he brings to the table, even if it means I am a lone a heck of a lot of the time!

Thursday Hero Reunion 2011

2011-08-22T16:16:00.000-07:00

Saylor was a "Thursday Hero" for the BYU football team 2 seasons ago, it was one of THE most incredible experiences of our lives. For those of you that dont know what I mean by this, Bronco {head coach} has several programs to enrich the lives of his players, to teach them gratitude and service among other character building attributes, this is one of them. For home games the Thursday prior to the game the team watches film and hears about an inspiring person and then after practice that person comes to the facilities where they sign the team flag and the team signs a flag for them as well as spends time with them and their family. An unforgettable day for sure! Saylor is still very much in love with Cosmo and takes much pride in that she is the only Thur hero to have him at her team night. Every year prior to the season there is a Thursday Hero reunion for all the inspiring people, their families, the coaching staff, and the players. It's a private event {obviously} so my kids get genuinely spoiled and spend time with their favorite players, get john hancocks and the boys eat every second up of football talk and food they can get. This year saylor was a little shy, but still had a blast and proves that she still bleeds blue ... like her dad.

This is Bryan Kariya, he plays for the cougs and was also my little brothers mission companion. We love chatting with him, he is simply a doll with a great head on his shoulders and fantasmic smile!

Saylor & Bronco have a yearly chat to catch up on how she is doing. I swear this exact scene is not much different then last years image of this. Bronco was even wearing the same outfit, hat, flip flops and all! Saylor was also wearing a similar outfit :) He always tells her when he sees her how when the team views the Thur Hero videos compilation that Saylor always hits his heart pretty hard. They talked about pink and purple crutches and shoes.

This year we spent the most time with Kyle Van Noy. We actually find his personal story to be quiet inspiring and he was really down to earth and fun to chat with.

I didnt get as many pics as i should have. I was so hot and exhausted! But we ate dinner with the "brown brothers" Braden and Rhen. And they were a hoot. They dont look anything alike but charming they were. We also stopped for a hello with Chad Lewis who it seems we see a lot these days between skiing, football camps, BYU stuff and other athletic events. I am sure this was Stock's highlight because the first thing chad said to him was hey you are that really fast kid from OHS FB camp that was really good ... yep thats him! It's always nice to catch up with our old friend Coach Weber as well!

As we were leaving the team equipment semi had just parked and the kids couldn't believe how nice it was, so they wanted a pic!

Good times. Thanks Bronco and the Cougs! Awe the benefits of living with a hero ...

August

2011-08-13T01:57:00.000-07:00

Last month {i cant believe its been a month ... see time is escaping me, someone is stealing it!} Nate's brother Aaron and his family were in town from Texas. And so Nate's mom thought it would be a great time to do family pics. I wasnt very familiar with the photographer and so i didnt endeavor to have any pics taken of our own little fam {i know way to many amazing and talented photogs to do this} and i am not sure that a family pic 7 months prego is really productive anyhow. I didnt plan to take pics of my kids on my own until after the two hours of work it took to get them all ready. I needed more of a pay off for all that work! so i took our own camera a long for some quick shots and this is what came of it. nothing special but a little visual update! {obviously ... Nate selected for us that we wear BYU colors to signify our loyalty!}

Storie recently finished up long course season on UVRAYS and has a little bit of time off here in August before short course season starts up again. She finished the season off impressively with amazing improvements on many of her times! She recently got a new violin, that almost cost one of my limbs. Good thing I dont play. And taught me a serious lesson about buying off KSL! Beware of PEG is all i have to say about that. {if your ever in the violin market locally and want more info or cautions just message me} She also has begun fall girls soccer, a new endeavor for her. I fear that swimming was just not enough of an athletic feature to make her feel welcome in her dads world. Which in reality is of course not true and also makes me sad ... but we do live with a crazy man who lives and breaths sports so i get the inevitable feelings. I also feel like its a bit of insanity to add that to our calendar .. especially right now, oh well ... as i say to every question that befalls me these days ... ONE DAY AT A TIME!

Stock has begun football again and both him and his dad are pretty focused and enthralled in the world of a single brown ball. It exhausts me. He is my only child not looking forward to school, but on the same note is my only child who cares what brand of clothing he is wearing ... seems a little off to me. I do have an almost 12 year old girl. But thats ok. If possible he would adorn himself head to toe with anything under-armor, jordan, or nike. and thats pretty much it! Everyone asks us {me and or him and i suppose nate as well} if stock is excited to have a little brother. And i suppose he is far more excited about the babe then he would be if it was a girl ... but he is quietly excited, as you would expect a boy to be.

Saylor had her first soccer experience last week thanks to a friend who took her when i could not. Of course her physical capabilities in light of her limitations were nothing short of impressive. she is naturally an obrien ... and therefor an athlete. We dont seem to make any other kind of breed. We also were able to take her to WC tennis for the first time all summer. It was a delight ... it also makes me feel so terribly guilty when i realize the mounds of potential this kid has and then also realize its up to me to facilitate it and get her there! She has enjoyed attending numerous baptisms for friends all summer long and her play dates with peyton and summer are priceless! 7 peaks with nate is a highlight for her because she gets to go down the slides and do something beyond wade in the wave pool with her incapable pregnant mother. And her biggest high was BYU Thursday Hero reunion last week. {More on that to come} This year we are trying out some new steps in way of independence at school and with school only a week away i am quiet nervous for her. She is not however. typical.

As for baby obrien ... this is from our early august ultra ... also our last one with dr ball, a sad and difficult day for me. Baby is still growing strong. He was a little ahead of himself for a bit but has slowed his rate back to his gestational age. Though he continues to look a little muscular to all the techs who see him! {If they only knew!} Dr ball has escaped back to UCSF and left me in the hands of my regular OB dr sloan. That being said he tells me time and time again that he is only a phone call away. And i do realize that likely not many, if any other, patients have his number and his beckon call. He has never not answered or called me back within 10 minutes in the entire 8 years i have had personal access to him! SO for now that will have to do ... He did recommend one more ultrasound prior to delivery, but trusted the temp MFM's about as much as i do, so the plan is just to have his timp hospital tech cassidy scan us and call him when she is done. That will be aug 30th. We are hoping for a minimum of 2 more weeks. {I am 32 now} And a max of 4. We have completed a lovely steroid cycle that left me with a few side effects for a few days, luckily no allergic reaction this time. and at least its on board should we not make it! Non stress tests once a week have begun as well. So i feel like i am driving to st marks several days a week now between apts and NST's. oh wait i am doing that. alright then.

Nights have become nearly unbearable with discomfort and a few nights have brought on some braxton hicks and in usual audrey style some vomiting as well. I think both Nate and I are at this place were we are a little bit of constantly on edge, knowing that we are very much down to the wire and that we cant predict how this is going to go down, though we would like it to be scheduled and planned we know from too much experience that life doesnt always go down that way! I still feel not at all ready in many respects. As painful as his movement has become i still really enjoy this miracle and seeing/feeling him move inside of me. Still smitten with this miraculous fascination. We are ready in material sort of way ... i think anyway ... but i dont feel ready in any other way. It hardly feels real that in a month at longest we are going to have an infant in our arms! The memories of the challenge a new born brings fade, this is how women are convinced to have more you see, but there is enough there {vaguely} to send terror through me, i dont know if i can handle this! Yikes! Our lives are so busy and complicated ... this will be nothing short of a beautiful mess i am sure.

whats to come on the blog ... well thursdays hero of course! and yes i did it .. maternity pics ... first day of school next week ... end of pregnany woes ... and likely leaking nursing boobs to go a long with newborn woes! and what would an obrien blog be without athletic updates!

Pregnancy Update: 28 Weeks

2011-07-20T13:34:00.001-07:00

Fleeting me by: above you find a more current ultrasound image of our little man. He has taken on the concept of sucking his thumb, praying that doesn't stick! I know from personal experience the expense and toll it can take, bad habit! With all three of my previous kids anxiousness and even i dare say extreme lack of patience took me over. Even with saylor, whom I had at 28 weeks! And yes i felt guilty about being so impatient, at least with her. But I really have never been good at pregnancy at all. It has been hard for me to enjoy in past experiences. BUT this time around the experience really has taken on a new role. As delivery date max {52 days from now} approaches I actually find myself reluctant to get there and full of patience. I dont feel at all ready to finish this opportunity. Every step of the way I have just been amazed at this miracle and blessing and there is little I enjoy more then just feeling him move inside of me. I will admit I am uncomfortable and in a great deal of pain, some of which i guess to be normal and some of which is likely due to my not capable of being pregnant body. I dont feel ready emotionally, physically, or even in material ways. Most of all as ready as i might be spiritually i also dont want to see that spiritual moment change, even if it changes to something just as beautiful. I suppose i am far busier this time around as well, we are as a family actually. this is making time fly!

Heat: I have never been really prego in the summer. I guess I would have been to some degree with saylor but she came 3 months early. and i just touched the summer with stock. I cant believe how much the heat makes a difference in how i feel! Frankly i have been miserably hot a great deal of moments in the last few weeks! and i wonder how people do this? really? i am pretty set on being the least amount clothed as i can and sit in front of a fan near the AC vent also blowing. I hope that gives you a good description because i am lacking an image of this said miserably hot pregnant woman partaking in this summer time activity. I am a human oven! nobody cooks in the summer ... its too hot! At least i can empathize someday i suppose.

Complications: The above chunky monkey is measuring in at about a week ahead of his schedule. Though this is a good thing it could potentially mean an earlier delivery then planned. The 36 week max recommendation includes the factor of estimated size at that time and what my uterus can hold. So in short I hope he doesn't get too carried away with bulking up! Needless to say obviously this is a mini nate, therefor a mini stock ... next is my not entirely functioning gall bladder, though it has no stones its reacting for sure and its not a pretty or painless thing. But something we have discovered i just must endure. In addition to that we had a gestational diabetes scare that resulted in lots of tests that also were quiet miserable and left me pretty sick. Nothing like throwing up at this stage! It would also explain babies size .. but as it turns out not my diagnosis! There is still a chance my placenta is partially under my scar and could result in complications but blood flow via ultrasounds indicates that its not growing together, at least for now. And from here on out we just wait and see what my body does with this experience and hope we make it to our gestational goal with realism about the potential.

Nursery: I really felt that a rocker was a necessary item this time around. I only had one with saylor and what a priceless place to be with baby! Of course i gave the one i had with saylor away years ago. I kept picturing myself in something more couch/soft/cushiony like so i knew what i wanted. But i also knew it was spendy. Thankfully a friend of mine was getting rid of her pottery barn rocker for a great deal and all it needed was a new cover. So i snatched that opp up. But then found the cover to be a frustrating endeavor. Because this model is no longer produced, either is the cover. Downeast only sells the chair with the cover not seperately. I found a chair cover at Ikea that seemed like it would fit .. but not so! And so for the first time in my limited sewing experienced life i endeavored to sew a chair cover myself! And though i am not entirely in love with the finish product, i am proud of myself. based on my experience level and know how about this type of things, its not too bad! and for now ... it will do. it will do.

TP

2011-07-15T14:31:00.000-07:00

Just an observation. When kids are home from school for the summer more TP is needed. I did not anticipate this, it was logical to assume that there would be an increased food consumption here at the house but didnt think so much about TP. I am not sure that I have ever noticed this domestic impact in prior years. I suppose it is the result of several factors: 1. my kids are getting older and so their digestive systems require more paper usage 2. they possibly are more digestibility comfortable at home because i know they dont potty this much at school. 3. and then the obvious factor of adding more people to the "office" all day. Next year i will prepare in advance for this particular domestic need.

Nates Lumbar Shift

2011-07-05T17:49:00.000-07:00

Our summer continues ... and i suppose the most pertinent event as of late has been Nate's back injury. Nate & Stock took off to Idaho for Western Regionals {where stock competed in 3 different wrestling styles and did fairly well but not as well as expected} only to return home with a slightly sore back that within a few days resulted in 100% immobility. Nate couldn't identify an injury or moment in which something occurred, so it was very mysterious. What it was more then that, was scary. I was terrified. Here i am in a high risk pregnancy not really at my physical peak with a husband who i rely on heavily, whom has always been a rock when it comes to health, my steady and sturdy horse suddenly paralyzed, realizing that we will soon not have my income as i take a break and that he makes money doing construction and coaching! The weight was incredible and terrifying, I have never been good at not knowing, tell me what you want me to handle and ill deal with it. Leave it a mystery and i panic! So for the first time in 13 years we took nate to the hospital, or to a doc for that matter. But not without the convincing of his doc brother, because my opinion was just not enough.

The ER is such a delightful place, we have been there all too many times. But nate has never been the patient. The table turn was really strange and surreal almost. After 6 or so hours we discovered through an MRI that nate had a shift in his lumbar spine and some swelling. The doc there was less then helpful. He loaded us up with prescriptions {that nate refused to use} and sent us on our way. During that 6 hours nate got several morphine, muscle relaxer, and anti-inflammatory shots. I took this video of him when i brought him home ...

We came home pretty defeated, realizing nate was in no condition to work and with no direction as to address this problem. so monday morning we went at a solution and ended up at a fantastic PT who gave us a ray of hope and explained what had happened to nate. A muscle in the lower part of his back was injured or aggravated by something and then pulled his lumbar over shifting is whole lower back. super duper painful. We saw him a lot last week and slowly with that and lots of stretching routines nate began to regain his mobility and strength.

I found it to be quiet a challenge to have him home and not well on top of all that my plate holds. But it caused for a great deal of reflection and appreciation for how often he has cared for me, which frankly has been a lot! and much more intense then this. We learned a bit about each other, grew closer together and were blessed. I suppose that is why this happened ultimately. A priesthood blessing veered us toward even more reflection, some strength and comfort, and definite things to conquer.

It wasnt till midweek that i realized what the likely culprit was. We had discussed and discussed all his movements prior to the immobilization, down to his diet or any change in anything he did. I looked down at our floor and saw this pair of shoes he bought in Idaho and wore for a few days prior to becoming eighty five years old and it hit me ... its the shoes!

while out shopping {yes can you imagine a bunch of wrestling dudes out shopping of all things during their down time? well they did, i would say they were getting in touch with their feminine side} nate picked up these shoes on sale for $25. he thought they werent bad looking and found the concept of toning up your jump interesting. Truth of the matter is the concept is that it changes the way you walk to strengthen specific muscles. the way you walk effects your spine! HELLO CULPRIT! i was furious!!! my husband was badly injured and $25 had turned into thousands. Ill always hate those shoes.

He is back to work this week and he says somewhere between 80-90% back to himself. I so appreciate all the concern, all the prayers, phone calls, texts, help, support, hanging with my kids, and all that. It got me through!

And i hope to update you on the remainder of us sometime next week!

and our summer begins ...

2011-06-21T15:24:00.000-07:00

I have been such a bad blogger. Its been hard to keep up with all the demands of my usual busy life and my growing changing prego body. But i haven't forgotten or lost the value of Holland rocks in my life. So here is a basic recap on how our summer is shaping up thus far ...

ill start with the boys. Stock turned 10 recently. it was quiet uneventful one might say. He spent the day at wrestling camp and because he needed to cut weight for western regionals he also couldn't really go out to eat or have cake and ice-cream! ahhh the life of an athlete! For the most part both nate and stock are consumed with the business of sports. Stock is on a provo city baseball league .. and i bet you cant guess who the coach is? {nate of course} they are doing quiet well this year. undefeated. They have secured themselves a sweet spot in the state tournament. Stock is doing even better pitching this year then last and has developed himself into the most darling and fantastic catcher my eyes have ever seen. unlike watching him wrestle i heart the baseball games! he is just so handsome in that uniform, looks like a hot mini version of his father. i adore it. and lets face it, more entertaining! People comment on a regular basis to us about his athleticism, what can i say ... its the one area with him i will gloat to no end! He is just as magical as his father. When not playing baseball they are at wrestling prepping for western regionals and nationals. and soon ... very soon football starts.

Nate has been super busy with house projects. I think he is nesting ... no kidding i really think he is. He hasnt had much spare time but when he does he works on the house. We moved out of our storage unit and got all the storage back into the house into the new and improved storage room. and he built me all new storage and shelves in the studio to house all my inventory. Now he is working on the storage outside of the house. Nesting i tell ya. He is also playing softball with all "the boys" as usual. but this year i have noticed a change, no offense boys but your getting a little old for this, one of you seems to either be injured or get injured at every game and you have sort of lost your domination, not so good of a team any longer! none the less ... fun to watch!

and for the littlest boy in our lives ...

Baby boy O'Brien is doing really well! We are about 24/25 weeks now. And he is right on track for growth. He is getting bigger and bigger each and every time i see him. I am so blessed to be able to see him often. He is still moving like crazy, an odd sensation for me considering my last experience. We are both are doing better then expected and hope to make it to our goal. {about 10 more weeks) My placenta is an odd unusual shape and may be intruding upon my incision, if that is the case it may or may not cause some delivery complications. But really other then that baby is well and so am I. This has definitely been a far different experience then any pregnancy preceding this, but for that even i am grateful. I am nearly at a stage of greater concern and so work will soon be winding down and so will i. in order to get us both through those last few weeks. But prior to now studio stems & utah bride blog have been in full swing wedding season busy!

Maternity clothes ... my biggest dilemma as of late. I hate to invest money into that for only 10 more weeks and i have only now begun to really need them. I am generating a quiet odd shape that is not exactly pleasing to the eye or suited well to even maternity clothes. My fetal surgery incisions definitively play a part in my shape. my odd shape. thank goodness for my maturity and appreciation for this experience, i dont think back in the old having baby days i would have been able to deal with my odd un-attractive shape coupled with the additional pain that accompanies this all wrong baby making body. So i have scrounged through DI racks and KSL listings. only to find a few doable items. I need a suit still so i can enjoy the pool with the kids... but again short term need, sometimes big expense. I really would love a trip to honey bump in ogden, what a brilliant idea!!! why hasnt anyone generated the idea here down in utah county, isnt this baby making capital of the world?

I have been reading still when i can, love the escape. Emma & Me, as well as Bitter in the Mouth have both come and gone from my nightstand. Emma & I is one of those seemingly simplistic novels, but hits you at the end and makes you suddenly see the intricacies of the simple writing. Its haunting to say the very least a 6th sense type of deal. And Bitter in the Mouth was an interesting novel about a woman and how she deals with her identity through her ability to taste words.

onto the girls ...

they are growing up so fast and turning into amazing beautiful young ladies. I can hardly stand it!

My miss storie went to camp big springs for a week. yes i let go and cut the rope just a little more. It was super hard for me but super fun for her! She had a great time and i did ok without her. She is still on the UVrays and swimming every day. We have been so busy that she hasnt been to many meets quiet yet just a few here and there. She has acquired to attention of several boys as of late and they have begun to call the house! YIKES! sHe is such a good kid that though she likes the attention she doesnt seem as enamored with them as they are with her! A big help to me, im not sure how i would be getting through with out her. She has even been working a little for studio stems. A master at stripping roses now! We re-did the girls room recently, storie was feeling neglected and jipped by stocks newly acquired room in the "man-cave" basement. So we gave her the blue with orange accents she was dying for, including this darling retro desk we got from the school. {want one? message me they are for sale at the school for cheap $5!}

Saylor has been busy with private swim lessons. Something she has begged for but that i was very concerned about doing. I wasnt sure what her physical capabilities and expectations would be. Naturally swimming and the water is a therapeutic place for her, but she really wants to swim swim, like storie. We havent even finished half our program and she is doing far better then i expected. I am so proud of her, when she wants something she goes for it and her physical abilities continue to beat the odds! In true saylor style she wanted her side of the room done in "byu" theme. She is so loyal! Her health {knock on wood} is stable at the moment and she is doing really well. Anxious to play with friends quiet a bit but still my little buddy, home with me the most. The other day she asked me who was the most funny in our family, sometimes its her! Like yesterday when she said this to me while we were in the car driving home ...

me "saylor dont fall asleep we are almost home!" saylor "mom im not, im just blinking {pause} slowly!

I get that kind of stuff from her almost everyday. saylor-isms. so good. part of my favorite things in life.

Im excited to blog, i can think of a million things i want to share. the craftiness and thriftiness behind babies room, more books i am reading, recent studio work. baseball/wrestling ... hopefully as i wind down with the usuals to keep baby cooking ill have more time to blog. for now, thats all i wrote ...

Saylor's baptism

2011-05-23T14:42:00.000-07:00

I cant believe my baby is 8! I have actually been thinking about this special day for a long time. With lots of joy, but also lots of pain and angst. Its gone by so fast, its hard to believe that she has come of that age. Her little life is just fleeting me by! I really seriously was quiet traumatized by the thought that our youngest child was passing through this threshhold in our lives, but our recent addition has appeased the pain a bit. Non the less the spirit surrounding this amazing girl made this THE most emotional baptism i have yet to experience or likely ever will.

Here we are, our little family MAY 7.2011

Storie & Stock were champs from the get go! They were really helpful and reverent and amazing. While planning saylors day both nate & i felt like the kids should be the speakers. They are a huge part of her life and has much as she has chosen this body they have chosen her and all the challenges it brings. I know my kids are not the norm and have amazing spirits because of what they have experiences and who they have become. I was so proud of these two on this day!

this was a spiritual day for nate! Saylor and I have done a lot together, and a lot of what we have done has been intensly spiritual and many of those experiences he really had to stand by and watch. But what he does have is the priesthood, I am so blessed and grateful for the man he is. This has allowed him some very personal, private, and spiritual moments shared between just him and saylor. In many ways this was his day too! She looks so much like him, and he looks so much like her ... they just like saylor and I are as much one as i am. This takes me back to the day he blessed her in the NICU and reminds me of how special she is to him, what she has done for him, and for us as her parents, as a couple. as ONE.

he was pretty nervous. We had talked about her legs coming up in the water, with no muscle mass and no physical control. But he forgot all caught up in the moment to put his own legs in front of hers, so they floated up! Second time into the water, he fowled up a word or two mixing a porteguese baptism with english, and so she got dunked a third time, but you know what they say ... the third time is the charm!

Saylor's confirmation {as to be expected} was pretty powerful and promising, most of her priesthood blessings are. It was so lovely to have a lot of the men that we care so deeply for there and surrounding her on this special day.

SO this is THE dress. I say THE because as you may already know i had quiet the time finding the perfect one. ABout 15 stories, and 15 hours of online shopping finally reached this perfect fashion destination. Every white dress i could find {take no offense here} was poofy and looked too princessy! no style to them at all! I just wasnt havin it! I wanted something that was befitting to saylor and to the style of our family. I actually ended up finding this darling shirt and then a dress with a black top but this amazing pleated bottom, and so a little craftiness resulted in our own little creation.

Saylor illuminated her typical glow.

there is something so special about saylor tiny feet. they are so symbollic of endless things.

This is our friend Ron Roberst. He is in our ward and is an amazing pianist. If you like Nordstroms, you likely recognize this fine fellow, he often plays there on their grand piano. There are plenty of talented muscisians in our lives, but this was important to me. It was also symbollic for our family and for our journey. Ron is blind. Yet is so independent, and incredibly talented. I couldnt resist is willingness to serve our family. Thank you RON!

this is chris, whom we have arranged for saylor to marry, and whom so politely obliges us! and also adores her! Technically he is her boyfriend if you ask her.

After the baptism we had a little brunch full of what else but amazing food! This is saylor with summer ... the inseperables. When saylor started school at rock canyon in the 1st grade saylor and summer bonded. Summer was struggling with some attachment issues and leaving home all day, but saylor eased the transition and summer carried things for saylor! They have been best buds ever since!

Two more special people. Jules and Neens, the sistas that work for studio stems, but are so much more then that. They are that special womanly connection for me. True friends and sisters in my life & therefor they love my angel. Thanks girls for all you do! Jules is prego but helped tons in the kitchen, and Neens was our own personal photographer in addition to helping more then anyone! No way the day would have gone off without the two of you!

Meet the food and a few members of the cherished Fox Family.

A few more special peeps, Janita Andersen and saylors "twin" Ireland who just got baptised about a month ago!

This truly was a beautiful and amazing day for our family full of an amazing spirit and closeness to our Heavenly father. I would like to thank all that helped with the program, especially David O - Who under stressful circumstances still made it to sing for saylor! For Both the Obrien family and the call family for all your support and help! TO all our friends who share this amazing journey with us, thank you!

the physicality of life inside me

2011-05-18T08:36:00.000-07:00

No this is not me. And if you have never seen this image before, ill be surprised because its ALL over the internet. I have actually had it saved on my computer for several years now. It reminds me of the precious experience of having life move within me. There were many years that I really quiet frankly longed for this feeling again, not knowing that i would ever have the opportunity to feel it again, the memory doesnt serve it justice in the least bit. Though i have been feeling my little man for a couple weeks now, the movements have become much more prominent and frequent the last few days. It almost seems odd and perplexing to really ponder about. I dont recall having this physical feeling of growth as intensely as i have this time around. Each movement brings me a little smile, mostly internal, sometimes external. It also brings an immense gratitude and awe for my Heavenly Father. Nate reminded me last night in a blessing what a precious time this is, and how much closer to my Heavenly Father this makes me. Its a state of being to be envied and cherished, its also temporary. Holy moments, of being what i am at this moment. so profound ...

ITSA post

2011-05-16T06:39:00.001-07:00

First there was this ... not much, but the beginnings of a miracle. 6 weeks

Then there was this at 11 weeks, a little more of a reality. Though at this point, in all honesty, i was still having days that I would forget that i was even pregnant, things would get so busy and i would get so occupied with other elements of my life that i had to catch myself. there also began to be days that brought questions about what i was doing. lots of moments of anxiety & insanity, what saves me each and every day from total and complete insanity, is the knowledge that its not my plan. that something bigger then me is handling the intricacies of such fragility.

A few weeks after this apt we had an AFP dilemma. to or not to, was the question. did it really matter? would we DO anything about any kind of abnormality?... likely not. Initially at the beginning of the pregnancy, i had little to no fears about any abnormalities. I guess i figured i could handle it. But as the pregnancy progressed i began to grow a little anxiety and ultimately determined that an AFP would at least bring some peace, so i went ahead with it. all the results were negative, a huge relief, or so one would think. As the weeks grew slower {why does pregnancy slow down life so drastically? why does it feel so long when the same amount of time not pregnant feels so short?} i grew more anxious. THE ultrasound was fast approaching and i began to have nightmares about what i might actually see. I guess psychologically this may be a tad bit normal under the circumstances but i was a little taken back by the plaguing fear of the unknown that might become me.

then the day came .... and the baby was normal in every way, he HAS a bladder! He HAS normal kicking legs and feet! his head is a normal size, shape, and anatomy. There is NO bubble on his back. His heart beats and pushes the blood the way a heart should ... i could go on and on and i say HIM.HE.HIS because ITS A BOY!

As intense as the anticipation was we decided to make this a family affair and took all the kids with us to see their baby. this is all of us in this together after all. and i couldnt be more thrilled with the experience, what a beautiful thing to share as a family. It was rather surreal to be with dr ball getting an ultrasound 8 years after saylor, with saylor with me!

so thats that for today ... just FYI ultrasound was at about 18 weeks {im about 19-20 now} i have so much to blog about, saylors baptism, mothers day, stocks new man cave, baby boy's new room, placenta craziness and it goes on and on but for now i want to keep it short, sweet, joyous, and all about ITSA .... cause ITSA BOY!

the baby story continues .. where are my eggs?

2011-04-30T13:58:00.000-07:00

Most women have a mass abundance of eggs, in fact if your interested at about 16 weeks gestation a baby girl has 6 to 7 million potential eggs called "oocytes". For some reason most of them waste away and at birth she will be left with only 1-2 million. No eggs develop after birth. By the time this chica reaches puberty she will have around 300,000 oocytes. An adequate amount for a good reproductive life! Of course only a small percentage of these oocytes will mature into actual eggs. The average egg maturation is around 400 for a lifetime. Thats still A LOT of eggs!

Not sure i have the average amount, less or more. I have never been a "regular" type gal. So either i am storing up or protecting. Cant be sure which. either way my oocytes would like to remain mysterious. Some years i have only had 1 yes thats ONE period. Not even sure that was a result of any kind of egg production, perhaps just waist removal. As you can imagine this does get in the way of easy conception, yet somehow i have 3 beautiful kids {ok so storie was not naturally conceived because of this issue, but the other two right?}

last year early in the year i began to be plagued yet once again by the idea that there was yet another child waiting for our family. I was most disturbed and frustrated, i liked the peaceful feeling that we were done and what our lives were like, so for several months i chose to ignore the feelings and promptings. This didnt make them go away, in fact it intensified them! In early spring it was on my mind most of the day, and it was annoying, i didnt want it to be. But i realized i should start working through it and go through the motions of finding answers and solutions to what i was supposed to be doing. End of april 2010 at womens conference, a talk by Elder Oaks sealed the deal, not even sure that the talk really had directly anything to do with my personal problem but it gave me the answer i needed.

It just so happens during this same time period we were in the middle of insurance chaos and a transition, so i began to include future possibilities in that planning process. once that was in motion the next step was one of the biggest requiring that leap of faith and endurance i had not kept years prior, the removal of the IUD. Prior to this step i went through a realm of emotion and instability in the decision, a blessing or two, LOTS of crying, and oddly enough, some very strange physical changes and issues. Late May the IUD was removed, but it was yet to be seen if i had the faith to leave it out for longer then a month.

Obviously i did.

After a few months of the IUD being removed and expected irregular but strange periods i decided i should see a doc. Who ran all sorts of tests and found some strange results but nothing with definitive answers, just guesses. After a few more weeks it was evident that with my age being that it was and my EGGS in question fertility drugs might be the answer. I struggled with this decision as well, how can that be? If this was what we were supposed to be doing then why not just send me a kid right? was i not understanding? was i not learning or experiencing what i was really supposed to be? with hesitation i began the pharmaceutical provocation of my period and fertility drugs followed by lots of blood work. After several months of this and never once even ovulating i seriously began to wonder if any oocytes even existed in my body. I decided that i was on the wrong path and i needed to re-evaluate. The decision was mutual, nate was feeling it too and we werent willing to go to invasive measures to get a baby, we werent even sure we were supposed to have another. So the process came to a halt and we began to let go of the idea and explore what this process and these feelings might have served purpose for.

Over the next few months i began to be more "regular" then i had ever been in my life {on my very own without any pharmaceutical intervention}. I found this to be strange considering it was such a rare thing in my life. But continued to move out and away from the idea of a baby, with only occasional thoughts here and there, in fact i was contemplating IF we should consider some kind of birth control just in case i actually did have some eggs somewhere in there. But had not yet done anything, just sort of waiting for that day when i KNEW the answers having faith that it would become clear sooner then later.

Nate and I really dont have anything for a baby in this house, or even a toddler. Not a single sippie cup or blankie. nothing. We had given it all away years prior. I had started to collect a few items over our "trying period" but decided that i was indeed at peace and that my little fam was complete so i shipped what i had to pregnant sis-in laws and friends. {this is in no way a plea for the return of said items, i wanted to send them to you all!] I tell this only because it carries so much irony.

A few days after my shipping spree ... while anticipating another period I started receiving intense inspiration to go get a pregnancy test, I didnt give in until it got louder both physically and emotionally. No period had come and so i relented, drove to the dollar store, drove home. Proceeded to take a $1 pregnancy test mid day, so not "ideal" testing time of day, fully expecting it to be negative! and my crazy thoughts to just go away! But not so .... It was positive and i was pregnant. SURPRISE!

Hind sight is always 20/20 as i have said many times before. I especially think this pertains to the spiritual and emotional side of one self, specifically myself! It took me several weeks and lots of emotions to sort through the experiences that had gone down over the last year and what they meant. But i have found peace, I can see that for many reasons this could happen in no other way. Both nate and i needed this process to be able to do this and feel right and good about it, to know where and whom it came from and what the intentions of a grander design are.

Saylor Is 8!

2011-04-28T07:53:00.000-07:00

Our little angel turns 8 today. Its an emotional day. {Blame it on the hormones or not ...} She is so larger then life that as i reflect upon words to describe how blessed i am by her and how joyous i feel to celebrate this day with her i cant find them, its bigger then me! its truly enormous! She is the very definition of all that is beautiful in life. A living example of our Savior and a walking miracle and manifestation of God. I still cant even wrap my head around how it was that i came to be the mother of this most amazing spirit, but i am, and i am so blessed by her. More then i can contain.

Happy Birthday Angel ... words cannot even describe your greatness!

book review tinterwined w/a vertical incision meaning

2011-04-19T16:42:00.000-07:00

So i realized shortly after publishing my last post that i didnt explain why a vertical incision presents problems for subsequent pregnancies and why it was not advised to have more children. this would help you understand it all right ???? ok silly me. I dont recall which doc explained it to me this way, but it really stuck, because its lamens terms! whomever it was, brilliant to explain it this way! and so ill pass it on in these terms ...

this is a depiction of muscle tissue up close. a uterus is a muscle as most of us know. its also an organ, some say it functions like muscle but is an organ. but really its a smooth muscle organ. regardless this is the best way to explain. so ... check out this depiction, see how the muscle tissue has grain and it runs for the most horizontally? well similar to a uterus, much like a stretch mark developing in skin in the direction that will most allow the skin to stretch, creating an incision on the uterus with the grain or stretchable lines is the best incision to have, it will allow the "muscle" to more safely stretch in the future should needs be. This is the kind of incision most commonly done during a c-section. So my incision would be like cutting this depiction down the very center vertically, in a manner that is not conducive to stretching. I am sure you can conclude that this presents risk in pregnancy. Its not only fetal surgery moms who have this type of incision, in fact some are lucky enough to get a hori incision, but there are many women who have it, yet making up a small % of the child bearing population. these incisions occur for a variety of reasons but all are out of the norm of a healthy not complicated pregnancy. It occurs when serious complications and specific needs arise.

many of our family and friends in short have just thought we couldnt have anymore or have concluded that we couldnt get pregnant. {though we do have fertility problems .. more on that later, that wasnt the reason for our fear}. When indeed its not conception that is affected or even early pregnancy {though the nasty scar tissue has presented problems already}, the problem occurs when the uterus begins to stretch beyond what that incision is capable of holding, putting both the mother and baby at grave risk. Often times this happens very early in pregnancy.

with saylor the incision only held to 28.5 weeks. But it was also a fresh and healing incision. We have high hopes that we will advance further in gestation than that after 8 years of healing and what seems to amount to a lot of scar tissue. But we also know that a full term baby is not worth the risk to any of the docs taking care of us. {nor to us} Keeping my uterus stable, happy, and quiet so to speak will at some point {likely 25 weeks or so} begin to be high priority.

So onto my book review ... and i know your still wondering how i ended up being pregnant .... this story skips around a lot. but its fun right?

I recently finished this amazing, beautiful, book! Much of how i feel about myself and my body comes as a result of the extremely graphic incision on my stomach and the odd shape it makes my stomach as well as the muscular changes it creates. It seems that no matter how fit i am nor how many sit ups i do ... my stomach will never be what it was. Interestingly enough i have come to discover that its one of the things nate loves about me. A symbol of why he loves me i suppose. When i wanted to have it removed and surgically repaired, he wouldnt even let me entertain the idea. So in some ways this book does intertwine with my earlier words but i dont desire to dwell on that for long, its more honestly intertwined with just how i feel about my body in general.

I recently have really grappled with not being my best self. being pregnant accompanies an ever changing body and in my case or rather perception not for the better. my belly wont turn out to be a cute and round one. it will take on some odd shape molded by scars and tissue, and my much older now body will begin to distort. all worth it of course, but hard on the self esteem. I have become a bit more emotional and assumptive in how others perceive this less then best audrey, especially my husband. It has created many likely not necessary fears. This sort of all came to a head when i recently went to palm springs, where i had a fantastic and relaxing vacation but also was surrounded by mirrors, the one downfall to my fathers vacation home. By the end of the trip i was emotionally and yes a bit mentally unraveled. After a big meltdown i found my sane self again but none the less felt most damaged and unattractive.

I have this stack of books to be read. I am a big book DI book shopper, because i am a big reader, much more affordable endeavor then barns n noble. I needed a new book to escape a little so i recently went to my drawer of too-be-read and of the 15 or so books in it, i decided on this one. it almost reached for me, felt so meant to be like the timing of it was clear and strong screaming read me NOW ill help you.

to save time and writing here is the basis of this novel from amazon ...

"Lanie Coates’s life is spinning out of control. She’s piled everything she owns into a U-Haul and driven with her husband, Peter, and their three little boys from their cozy Texas home to a multiflight walkup in the Northeast. She’s left behind family, friends, and a comfortable life–all so her husband can realize his dream of becoming a professional musician. But somewhere in the eye of her personal hurricane, it hits Lanie that she once had dreams too. If only she could remember what they were.

These days, Lanie always seems to rank herself dead last–and when another mom accidentally criticizes her appearance, it’s the final straw. Fifteen years, three babies, and more pounds than she’s willing to count since the day she said “I do,” Lanie longs desperately to feel like her old self again. It’s time to rise up, fish her moxie out of the diaper pail, and find the woman she was before motherhood capsized her entire existence.

Lanie sets change in motion–joining a gym, signing up for photography classes, and finding a new best friend. But she also creates waves that come to threaten her whole life. In the end, Lanie must figure out once and for all how to find herself without losing everything else in the process."

i cant begin to explain how closely i felt i could relate to the emotions of this women so candidly and elegantly written in this novel. At moments she might as well have been me describing my body and my emotions, my private moments, like this excerpt from the beginning of the book.

"in the dark, i ran my hands over my post-pregnancy belly, a warm, soft, gelatinous thing that had become a part of my life since having kids just as permanently as the kids themselves. I pressed on it and squeezed it. I had never anticipated how much pregnancy would age me. The stretch marks on my belly, the wrinkles on my face, the spider veins on my thighs. how had i changed so much so quickly?"

i realize that many of my friends & family arent struggling with this and whose bodies have not betrayed them. you likely would not connect to this book, no offense. But more often then those lucky few i suspect are us struggling mass.

it was so refreshing to be in the life of a character who was so raw and real about who she had become and how she was dealing with it, i felt connected to lanie and i needed someone to feel like this with me to get me passed and through the moment that seemed impossible to overcome.

You think you know where her self finding journey might lead her, and in fact the potential is there. But where it does lead her, lead me to tears.

SPOILER ALERT - IF YOU PLAN TO READ THIS BOOK DO NOT READ FURTHER!

i cant help myself but post a few very poignant paragraphs from the last page of this book. I realization of things i already know and have concluded but had lost for a time, a realization that I AM BEAUTIFUL.

"as for getting skinny, i never really made it. after all those months of working so hard to bring myself back into my body, after trying so relentlessly to recover that lost version of myself that i couldn't stop mourning, i finally found a stopping place - and settled out at a mom size. Not a high-school-girl size, not a college-girl size, but a mature woman's, now i-really-get-it size. I got stronger, and maybe trimmer, but i never actually returned - as i confess i had been hoping - to my pre-mom self. which made sense. because i was not that self anymore, and i was no longer even close to that self. In the end, that was a good thing."

"and here, after all that, is what i have come to believe about beauty: laughter is beautiful. kindness is beautiful. cellulite is beautiful. softness and plumpness is beautiful. its more important to be interesting, to be vivid, and to be adventurous, that to sit pretty for pictures. A woman's soft tummy is a miracle of nature. beauty comes from tenderness. beauty comes from variety, from specificity, from the fact that no person in the world looks exactly like anyone else. beauty comes from the tragedy that each persons life is destined to be lost to time. i believe women are too hard on themselves. i believe that when you love someone, she becomes beautiful to you. i believe the eyes see everything through the heart - and nothing in the world feels as good as resting them on someone you love...."

i sincerely believe all that too, though i tend to loose sight of that in myself from time to time. But i know and believe in the truth of this last paragraph. what it really did for me was remind me that my husband LOVES me, that he sees me far differently then i see myself and differently then i perceive that he must see me. that he thinks i am beautiful.

where the story begins ...

2011-04-09T18:07:00.000-07:00

I still struggle with some sort of undefinable argument within myself about sharing all this. I feel driven, as i often have about my life and our experiences, to share knowing what potential it carries, but feelings of reservation also plague me. I find myself coming to blog and "not feeling it" so i allow myself to not do it, until that is i feel so inclined, so i guess this story will progress as it so inclines me or perhaps as inspiration comes to do so. {and then there is of course the issue of having the time :}

It really starts way back, eight years in fact, in this place ... UCSF medical center. Ok so maybe not, but this place really symbolizes the beginnings of baby #4 for me. it symbolizes much more then that of course, so many facets and characters that have become me and part of my life, my place of holy, my place of significance.

First off i just want to touch on and acknowledge that i did in fact have very specific impressions while pregnant with saylor, prior to knowing exactly what was wrong. I knew she was a girl, i knew she was disabled, i knew that this would require more of me then i thought i had to give, and i also knew {or so i thought} that she was my last child and that i had to embrace the pregnancy. Its hard to make sense of those feelings now, other then to embrace that its what i needed at the time to make the decisions that i made then, the ones that i would never change for the world, the ones i may have not made if i had thought our family was not complete, or at least i would have been more fearful about it. I know for many mothers considering fetal surgery the subsequent risk is more then they can take and so they elect for another treatment. I can understand that completely. Would i do that? clearly not ... but i understand it. Being a mother comes with some of the most powerful emotions and inspirations given here on earth.

The first mention of future baby complication came just before SF at diagnosis in Utah. After finding out that Saylor had SB dr. schemmer so kindly explained the basics of the MOMS study and touched on the subject but really it was the last thing on my mind and not the focus of our conversation. Later on in the evening of diagnosis at some point during my 3 hour conversation with dr shaer in DC she also mentioned the idea behind possible future baby complications, again not the focus and not of huge concern to me at the time. Though i do remember them telling me. I definitely knew!

Now we arrive at UCSF! where they really lay those risks on thick, wanting to ensure i KNEW what this would entail. We as you know did not hesitate to participate and shortly after being bombarded with mounds of info {equating to an instant medical degree} dove right into fetal surgery. Someone must of told me after surgery at some point that i did indeed end up with a vertical incision rather then the more ideal but unlikely horizontal incision. Meaning that the risks were going to be of the significance they spoke of for future pregnancy. though i dont remember being told, i have always just known {of course this has been confirmed several times medically}. and so for me that at the time was the end of our growth as a family and i was ok and content with that for the time being.

the pregnancy only progressed another 6 weeks when my water broke at my incision i believe. man that was a painful time full of scary things. delivery at 29 weeks was terrifying! i didnt make it far ... my body just wouldnt hold it together. I had no desire to trust it to hold anything subsequent together, i felt and was blessed that it got saylor to a gestation that would allow her survival.

fast forward a few years .... i think saylor was about 3 when the angst started to hit me. initially i did not even want to consider actually having one myself, so we or rather i started to look into adoption, nate just was a good supporter of not killing the dream knowing that really it wasnt right for us and the timing was off. most of my search ended dead for one reason or another. then i began to chat with the UCSF docs about possibly attempting another pregnancy, few {but some} were supportive, others were very frank and realistic with me but willing to explore it, others were flat out blunt that it wasnt a good idea. and so i toyed and toyed for years all the time with an IUD in so not entirely serious enough to really do anything, fear plagued me. and for nate he just couldnt see how we could take care of a baby and saylor, and he was right .... back then, we couldnt, and even now the misery of saylors last serious visit alone pregnant reminded me how difficult this is going to be! he sees it more clearly not as affected by emotion and mother instinct. still right in many regards.

THEN {when saylor was a little more then 5} dr ball my trusted and befriended OB/Maternal fetal medicine doc from UCSF moved to Utah and started practicing. A sign right? Well i thought so! So then again i began the process of working this through, praying, attending the temple all those things. And i even went so far as to have my IUD removed. Ok so it was expired so it kind of forced me too, but i elected to not have another placed. this lasted about a month before panic set in and i wondered what on earth i was doing and how could i be so insane to think this was what Heavenly Father wanted or that it was something i was physically, emotionally capable of?! SO only a month later IUD back in :)

so how did we get to where we are at today? well perhaps that will come in the next installment.

love, Audrey

Having A Baby

2011-04-05T12:12:00.000-07:00

So i am getting all sorts of hilarious texts. I didnt think the oven pic would be too hard to figure out, or perhaps its just that i posted it on april fools, not sure whether to take me seriously or not? well for sure there is a "bun in the oven" a little more then 3 months in the making.

So now your full of questions, i can relate so am i! In fact i am still in limbo about whether or not to share our story of how this came about and what this means for our little family, its controversial and so i understand with that comes some critism. It also entails a very detailed medical history and a pregnancy that is far from normal. so where do i begin and where does this next story in my life fit into the vast world? not sure yet. still working through that and so many other things.

for now just a basic should suffice ... when are we due? well thats up for debate actually. First week of oct based on size of baby, that being said my limit is about 34 possibly 35 weeks gestation. so that puts us no later then first week of sept best case scenario. Likelihood of earlier then that .... high. So i would anticipate anytime in the month of aug and no later then the first week of sept our baby will arrive.

2011-04-01T08:20:00.001-07:00

the short of it ALL

2011-03-30T18:06:00.000-07:00

So really i have been a horrible blogger. So horrible in fact that it takes around 10min to remember my login & password and get into this blog to blog. How ridiculous is that? I feel really bad because i know that people at least USED to read my blog and that it every once in a while did something good for someone, i dont want to loose that. My uncle sent me a message a few weeks back begging me to not stop blogging, and then i got another email with the same request from a friend. its not that i dont want to peeps ... its just that well ... its just so many things. A lot has occured in the last month or so. Lots of hard things, lots of blessings. And its overwhelming to think of how to best catch you up ... i dont want to bore you with mounds of text so here is the short of it all!

starting with stock & nate really seems easiest actually so we will start there.

stock has been doing not much more then wrestling wrestling wrestling. which means thats what nate has been doing too. This is stock next to his buddy Cade who both took a championship at intermountain warriors ultimate challenge. We have taken a few other championships as well including Utah state greco. We have lost some too ... wisconsin didnt pay off the way we had wanted, in fact that may have been the hardest weekend the entire family has had in a long time! {more on that later}. It seems they are somewhere different every weekend, all over the country. and practice every night during the week. i could now go off on a tangent about how i cant bear anymore of this schedule and my thoughts on the situation but ill spare you the grief and boredom. for now, this is what stock wants and what makes him happy. He has been pretty healthy, just super busy.... which brings me to another topic ...

PARENT HOMEWORK - what is this about? i feel like i am doing a huge time consuming and costly project every week for one kid or another. stock just finished a BIG one and not even two days later another came home! urg! Maybe this is just part of being a good parent and keeping us involved with our kids, but i want to dictate how i am involved and what i do with them!

So as for the "other" parent in my kids life. He is doing great, super busy with wrestling and working for USA wrestling. He also is busy with construction jobs, and somehow has also made the time to take saylor skiing as of late. I often times forget how stressful his life is. Because he takes it all in stride and hardly seems stressed in the least bit. he handles things so well. But so much has been going on and he really is just the rock of the family. im looking forward to not one but two weekends with him and stock with us girls! i can imagine it will restore me!

Ok onto the girls ...

Saylor, the hard and lengthy most wanted updated. But again i am gonna cut out the bulk and work on the jist of it all. a few weeks back saylor got a bad cold. she had been running a fever for a good few days, dangerous for her so we took her in. We were basically told she had RSV and was stable enough to be at home and ride it out. As the week progressed she did get slightly better actually but her fever never once subsided during the week. thur came and nate and stock left for wisconsin, just after their departure after a great nights sleep she woke up and started vommiting. then she promptly went back to sleep. and it became very clear over the next few hours that something was very wrong. she was throwing up but not in a stomach flu way and i couldnt keep her awake. the dread just filled me to the limit, nate is gone and of course turn for the worst. The hard part i was battling the brutality of her horrible cold myself and was miserable as well. So i dragged her back to a ped who got on the phone with primaries and determined that she likely had a severe bladder infection and that was what was causing all this. so onto antibiotics but something still did not feel right. as the day progressed she got worse and her behavior became more strange. by evening i was panicked, i called PCMC and was told to come right up. I knew it was coming i could feel it and was pretty emotionaly prepared and had been given strength through the previous hours to get what needed to be done done.

I have to just insert here a little note about PCMC ER in the middle of the night. Kind of a joke. Let me just say in short this is what i see when i go there, a lot of people with kids who appear to be normal happy healthy kids with no "special" problems and a baby who had been brought in by irresponsible parents crawling all over the er waiting room and the parents could not have cared less. NO WONDER your kids sick! Then there was us, looking miserable and horribly sick, so much so you can see that people are afraid of us! saylor in her chair holding a tuperware bin vommiting blood .... makes no sense this process!

So to make it short once again, we were admitted and intially admitted to PICU saylors labs in the ER were horrificly bad and the docs were very concerned about the seriousness of her issue. It became quickly apparant that saylor would be hospitalized for several days, and this utlimately was devastating for several reasons. First and formost because the steve young ski classic (that she had trained for all season, and was the poster child for) was quickly approaching and we clearly werent gonna make it. both her and i shed many tears over this realization. second because i was doing this alone, and very sick myself. In the end she basically had a severe bladder/kidney infection that caused her kidneys to do craaaaazy things. After a few days we brought her home, and a day or so after that she honestly was pretty much back to herself again.

What this taught me .... that knock on wood whenever i think she is stable and we arent facing any hospital stays, i will receive a reminder that we dont have a "normal" child with a "normal" body or "normal" health! that this is our bag of chips and its so lovely that we had such a good stretch, i should not let myself get so naive again!

what i found to not be lovely? the er process that then lead to 4 yes 4 room changed during our 3 day stay! what was lovely, that her nurses were so smitten they sent cards the following week ... but then thats not too surprising is it?

Miss STORIE - well as usual my strong and sturdy support system. She spent most of the crazy weekend with my mom having loads of fun. She is doing well in school and loving her social life. Growing up way to fast and throwing at me things i dont at all feel ready to chat with her about. turned 11 and had a fun party with family and friends! i feel so unprepared, how did this come about so quickly and what am i doing to be ready? ahhh so overwhelming. she is such a good kid though. just finished up boarding program. still playing the violin and loving her teacher. she is still on the UV rays swim team and for the most part enjoying that as well, and whether she does or not she is super good so she is gonna stay :)

Any of you remember cleer creek? well that time is upon me, and honestly it was hard to embrace. the thought of sending her away to camp with her friends far from me for a week with no control over what might happen to me is ridiculously ridiculous! I cant stop thinking about all the bad things that could happen, and how i cant let her go! but then thats not fair, i went at her age? whats wrong with me? and so i am working on letting her grow up!

Ok extended fam ... so my brother Joey has finished up chemo and is getting ready to start radiation treatment. Towards the end of the chemo he really began to look like a walking dead person! we are still waiting on a prognosis update but for now it seems that he is really giving this battle a run for the money. no doubt many more months of hard times are awaiting but he is fighting hard!

Our brother in law - married to nate's sister Nichole is also facing a serious cancer battle. you can read his story here.

I just feel so surrounded by tragedy and challenge. I cant give all i want to or fix anything that feels so necessary to fix. All i can do is do what i can do to ease the pain, the burden, serve those i love and pray with faith in God's plan for each of the people i love.

on a good note, so excited to have a new nephew, kyler. thanks heather & aaron. and another on the way from linds & cody.

As for me .... well .... my life is full to capacity, or maybe i should say my capabilities are really being maximized. Things are quiet busy at UBB and studio stems. new sites, new opportunities, growing business, and amazing clients! keeping up with the kids and the hub as well as their schedule. I did finally get over that cold that held me down while saylor was sick. But it took more then two weeks and i missed several important things because of it. I can say that i never have slept that well in the hospital with saylor, mostly because my body was so trashed i could hardly keep my eyes open most moments.

Lately i have felt so blessed by family and friends and their support in my life and the time i have to spent with both family and friends. Many friends have really reached out to me and lended a great deal of support during difficult times. I consistently see the hand of the Lord carefully taking care in my life, despite all the craziness, i know that i am loved, cherished and part of something greater, a plan!

On a house note, only because so many people keep asking .... hasnt sold yet. lots of peeps looking but not sold. and honestly the last few weeks have caused some serious reflection on the decision to go, and i am not sure its the right one. i feel conflicted and unsure of what the plan is for us and where we are supposed to be. for now holding pattern ... thats all i can say about that.

I recognized the other day a great need to laugh and have some fun as we come out of this crazy wave. I hope thats what is on the horizon for our little fam. Working on creating that for us. and as a last little BIG note ... {have you read all the way down here?} i do have one really BIIIIIGGGG thing going on in my life but your gonna have to wait, not ready to announce it yet! it deserves a post of its own!

no time to blog

2011-03-04T11:19:00.000-08:00

I find myself short on time and the family blog just remaining on the to do list. I think often about what i want to share and write but it {time} never allows me the grace to do so ... so in short as usual ....

Photo courtesy of miss Darla Roze Photography

My miss storie turned 11! Can I believe it ... Yep I can! She seems older even sometimes. She is so mature and responsible, and wise! Wiser then I ever was at that age. As for her size, I only have to see her with her peers to realize she is more like the size of an 8 year old. Tiny little thing! Among her favorite gifts {though she loves them all ...} a day boarding with Torah Bright from Miss Neena!

an update on saylor ... first the fun stuff! The steve young ski classic poster girl! yep thats her!

As you know Wasatch Adaptive Sports has been so generous with us this year (and in years past) and really has spoiled saylor this year. She has come leaps and bounds in way of progress and its hard to watch without crying even still. I am amazed and proud, i hope they all are too. She asked Peter at the beginning of the year if she could be on the poster this year {i am not even sure what her fascination was with that but she wanted it} anyhow the season has led to her being their poster child in more ways then just being on the poster. But here she is on the snowbird site and the posters alll over the place! on WAS FB page and just about anywhere associated with the program!

She is cruising down the big slopes these days and this last week Nate and storie were able to accompany her. you can watch a few new videos on our you tube channel or watch here ...

and then there was the BIG day last week where we went to get a new chair at PCMC {and we did get a new chair} and came home with something else new! We went from this to .... this.

because of this .... {warning GRAPHIC!}

I warned you right. And now your thinking what is that? Well in short saylor has two stomas {ports} in her stomach. One is to access her bladder {the one that looks like pinkish skin bubble} and the other is to access her bowels, the bleeding white door! the bleeding white door is called a chait tube. It gets replaced every year actually. We have had troubles with this one since it was placed in June 2010. As of late is been even more troublesome including this not so great bleeding occurrence. I had emailed docs and called them, tried to address this issue and wasnt really getting anywhere so ... while we were at PCMC i brought it to the attention of some docs and ended up taking her straight to interventional radiology for a new tube procedure. Not what we planned. She WAS NOT happy with me or anyone else! But that all being said and to shorten the story up, she is much happier now and the problem has been resolved {for you SB moms if you want more detail about what went wrong email me :} and the chair is a long awaited delight in all our lives but especially hers!

thats all i have time for today :)

the end of an adventure

2011-02-21T17:54:00.001-08:00

Happy Presidents Day 2011. For some a meaningless holiday, but non the less a day off right? For us its an anniversary! 8 Years ago today {presidents day} we headed into an ultrasound {with the never forgotten dr glenn schemmer}, THE ultrasound that changed our lives. This was also the day that we began enrollment into the study. This time of year always brings serious reflection back for us but even more so with the timing of the conclusion of the study! Just a week & a half or so ago i was flooded with emails, texts, and phone calls as the study concluded and went public. It was everywhere, the today show, cnn, new york times, newsweek, every media outlet you could consider, even our local BYU news station called for an interview. The study had a surprising outcome for me. Of course i was thrilled by the findings and filled with gratitude but i also am concerned about the facets the media is not mentioning. But it appears that this will indeed be a viable treatment option, and wasnt that the goal all along? to contribute to a better life for not just my own daughter, another option for treatment. I feel accomplished i must admit for the small role i played in the bigger plan. It seems like so long ago, yet like yesterday. Its hard to believe that my little angel was the first born, and here it is 8 years later, concluded. Amazing!

House is on the Market!

2011-02-10T18:39:00.001-08:00

I know your thinking WHAT!?!?! Again????? Yep again. Its all we know, we are good at it and sometimes it make sense. Here is the deal, this doesnt quiet feel like home. We dont really feel like Provo is who we are or where we are supposed to be. So after this inner torment of exploring why and what those feelings are about and nearly a year of discussion, we have decided it does no harm to list it and see where the journey takes us. So here we are again ....

Its darling ... I know. But I also am all too aware of its downfalls. Either the right person will come a long or they wont. But the short of it is, there isnt much to chose from in this area this close to BYU and what there is to chose from is not nearly this nice!

We have listed with our trusted agent Todd Telford with prudential, and so it goes.

I have so much to blog about, big topics the MOMS conclusion, Saylor skiing like a pro on the big mountain 100 times faster then her last video, wrestling, swimming, atlanta, work ... oh i can go on and on. chances are i will only get to a few them. Patience iagoooooo.

skiing on her own w/ a few book reviews

2011-01-06T14:42:00.000-08:00

So lets just get the most exciting news out first! then if you want to bore yourself with my book reviews and other writings you can! I myself am still on a natural high about saylor skiing. Its really started our new year off with a bang, huge unforgettable moment in our little history! As many of you know saylor has been skiing with a program @ snowbird called wasatch adaptive sports. We have been doing this for a few years, this program has offered us opportunities and experiences that have blessed our lives immensely. Most recently saylor has been doing more runs and resting less, looking stronger but still skiing with tethers and some instructor control ... until yesterday ... when all the sudden she was skiing on her own, in control of herself, her speed, her direction, her experience. like flying she says! It was hard to keep emotions in check! I hadnt dreamed that this day would come quiet yet! she did 7 runs with little to no resting, with speed that was lapping a few beginners on chickadee with able bodies! and breaking tears through my own goggles. Peter, Laura, Amelia, and all our friends at WAS thank you thank you for giving us this gift and sharing with us this miracle and joy! so without further adoooooo ... watch for yourself!

and on to less important things .... but first while your at it, subscribe to our family you tube channel ... why not?

So the new year has brought all the things it usually does ... like a cleaning, organizing, and design bug. some of which i have appeased. Its also brought about a lot of reading. I cant seem to get my head out of a book. I have always loved to read but it requires time, much of which i dont have. But I have taken to a paragraph here and there and cruised through a few good reads.

I finished up the "uglies" trilogy. I really enjoyed the series and felt like it was good young adult literature. Something i would realistically feel ok about little miss storie reading. Captivating, entertaining, and thought provoking. Just a tad bit of romance, a lot of sci fi & action, and underlying lesson and meaning.

Then i moved onto this ...

A DI find that pulled me in. This book bordered on disturbing for me. But only because culturally i cant begin to fathom living in a time under the traditions that distorted the womans body and soul. It was a good historical introduction for me, though it is fiction. It was a read that will stay with me for a long time. Not just about history, culture, and tradition but friendship. Really its profoundness comes from the friendship between two women, that carried them both through a difficult life. A lesson in perception as well and how that can change things like the flap of a butterfly wing. Reminded me of times past in which i am sure my perception destroyed what could have been.

foot binding ... such a fascinating yet disturbing thing ..

as for an update stock is still rocking the wrestling world and his schedule is still like that of a mini pro athlete. storie is busy swimming and boarding, while playing the violin and excelling in school and friendships. she is consistently my help meet. saylor ...well she only wants to do one thing ... ski! but she is healthy and happy. me ... well just the usual. and my brother ... starting chemo tomorrow. nate ... coaching and working and mantling some stressful family things.

what i want to show you sometime soon .... the family motto on the wall ... the book case. wrestling video ... design ideas and so much more. oh and some music. oh where has all the time gone.

the aesthetic of christmas 2010

2010-12-24T11:28:00.000-08:00

This year the aesthetic of Christmas is quiet the picture. I have really grown to love this vintage home, and the designs i have chosen for it. Of course there is loads more that i would like to do to it, but i really am adoring its darlingness, {hope that doesnt sound full of arrogance} so our cozy home Christmas is aesthetically desirable for those of us living in it. two of my fav spots...

the piano area next to the tree, and of course the 2010 Christmas card collection. Love getting these!

it also includes a little magic as always ...

here you will find "buddy" our elf on the shelf, who actually looks oddly more like a girl then a boy, but who flies away each night to who knows where because here there is major confusion with just only one of us in regards to "santa" and things of this nature. But finding him each morning brings a smile to her face and joy to her heart so it works ...

the other magic just arrived last night. its my new home gnome ... i couldnt be more thrilled! thanks amy!

As many of you know i am a cautious santa supporter, but if i am gonna have him inside my home, i like him this way! and our tree for the year. Much like last year i wanted to pair the orange up against our blue walls. We added a few things including some zebra striped turkey feathers, and really they made all the difference. and yes i know i know that there is loads of gifts down there ... but keep in mind my perspective on santa. i really want this holiday to be about Christ, its true intention & recipient, so its ok that all those gifts from loving parents and friends are already under there.

the internal aesthetic of the season has been a little less refined and a little more chaotic! We are busy as usual as stock continues to pave his own wrestling career, storie swims her little heart out and performs violin and saylor happily throws at us a challenge here and there and begging to ski. Nate is busy at work and i am busy with work and all the new changes at UBB, new puclication's and recent accomplishments. But the season is about family, and this year its about extended family, our love for them and their need for us at this time. The last few weeks have brought hair pulling frustration, sobbing sorrows, and much joy and gratitude. But for front in my personal emotion is my brother joey ...

A few weeks back after months of struggling with pain and misdiagnosis we found out that Joey has cancer. I have been able to do little but stand idly by, and bend my knees in prayer. But its been a roller coaster, i am dizzy and at times nauseous and i am just watching. He had surgery only a few days ago to place protective rods in his hips and femur bone as they are quickly being affected by the cancer. Chemo will start soon and the ride will continue to move at fast pace, of this i am sure. So he has brought to me a renewed sense of perspective that i hope will also teach me a little more of the lessons i need to learn.

and for now its time to go spend some time with my not so little anymore ones and the hub who is home for one rare occasion ... Merry Christmas to all! and to all a good night ...

2010-12-17T10:09:00.000-08:00

This brought a smile & i needed a few more this week .....

tuesdays w/morrie . pot pie . hips . uglies. wrestling . and santa

2010-12-10T16:31:00.000-08:00

This is gonna be a multi-faceted, multi-topic, multi-visual kind of long but hopefully fun to read post. I have several things to update the blog with and it seems that i rarely can get to posting so ill just throw it all at ya now since i have some time and energy ...

first last tuesday, a tuesday with morrie.

A respected friend used to always tell me "be where your supposed to be when your supposed to be there" and that has really stuck with me. I think about it often when i am doing something i shouldnt, or am somewhere i shouldnt be. Even when i have two good choices of things to do, but i know which needs me more. I really think adding to that "doing what your supposed to be doing" is suiting to how this simple concept helps me along my way.

{disclaimer .. this story is sweet, but kind of dumb ... relevant though. I frequent the DI. I know many of my friends & readers know this, and i know this place kind of creeps some of you out, in fact i really want to a do a DI post so you no longer will be creeped out, but then that would let you all in on my secrets, so rather i think ill leave things as they are.}

So i was at DI last tuesday looking through the book section {one of my fav spots}, as if shopping is really "being where your supposed to be, or doing what your supposed to be doing" but actually it sometimes is that simple, it is what your supposed to be doing. This elderly woman began talking with me about how she came to find a specific book and was having such a hard time finding it, that she was doubtful it would be there but really wanted it. Of course what followed for me was what book she was looking for. A worthy read ... Tuesdays w/Morrie. I told her i would keep my eyes out for it as i scanned the shelves. She was scanning the same shelves i was, just a step ahead of me. But as i came to the shelf she had just passed as we concluded our conversation i found the book she so earnestly was seeking. I was so excited, i popped up to find her and shouted i found your book. Notice that i instinctively said, i found YOUR book. It was her book, all along, BUT I was meant to find it. I had such a strong feeling that i was where i was supposed to be. it felt so confirming and peaceful that i was doing at least something right. A simple thing, heartwarming non the less. I was a tool that day in the Lord's hand to fulfill something for another daughter of God. I really like being a tool!

The very next day I was the recipient of an act of service. Wednesday was super emotional for me. I just couldnt seem to hold myself together. There were some major concerns about my siblings for front in my mind, and just sadness about the hardships they were facing. A little drama accompanied some problems and it was just more then i could take and so i melted apart, letting all the emotion of saylors recent leg length discrepancy and what that would entail, going to clinic, the anticipation and some self motherly loathing all just take me over. Just as i crashed emotionally everyone was wanting dinner and congregating in the kitchen. {another disclaimer, i dont like to cook, i am not bad at it per say, i just dont like it. so having dinner planned and prepared is a HUGE deal for me and i had been doing really well at staying on top of this as of late.} and i had nothing planned or prepared for them. Just as my mind started to go into survival mode "what am i gonna feed the rats?" the door bell rang. and on my porch was a freshly home made pot pie. with this note ...

" dear o'briens, I realize that we may have not gotten this to you in time for dinner tonight, (laughing while crying insert here) but we hope that this chicken pot pie might help your week be a little bit easier. You can refigerate it for a couple of days but it is best fresh. Bake at 425 for 35 min."

I slowly while sobbing walked straight from the door to the oven and preheated. I really had only talked to one friend about the going ons of the day and my emotional catastrophe, and a few family members, all of which i could account for at that exact moment. I had this distinct whispering that it was someone closer to me, like in my neighborhood. Which brought more tears, because you see i dont feel so fit in here. After i preheated the oven i promptly walked down the hall to kneel in prayer. I learned in mere seconds, or re-learned a several lessons that are even more priceless then dinner. A reminder of so many things, including how aware my Heavenly Father is of MY needs. This tool had brought more then dinner to me!

The pot pie was incredible, beyond anything i could muster together on my best cooking day! but beyond that i hope that someday somehow this kind inspired person will embrace the huge blessing of service they provided to me and my family by this simple act. that it meant far more then they likely intended and blessed me personally immensely, that they will have that feeling that they are indeed doing what they are supposed to be, when and where they are supposed to be!

This is not saylors hip. but i had to provide some sort of visual effect, and this will do, even though its likely an old ladies with arthritis. So saylors hips have both been dislocated since birth. or even prior to that actually, since her creation. We consulted several docs back in the day about this issue, all felt that in her particular circumstances and additional challenges that really if they were both bilateral this wasnt a bad thing at all. to leave them both out. so we went with it. least of our worries in regards to her.

A few weeks ago i noticed that her left leg was a tad longer then her right. After consulting SB clinic coordinator about this i realized this could be a bigger issue then i had first thought. and the panic mounted each and every day before we finally got answers. We have always been told that there is a possibility we could have growth problems, with so many significant orthopedic surgeries behind her. So i am thinking logically for some reason one leg has been affected and the other has not. and she is gonna have major problems because one leg is gonna be longer then the other for the rest of her life, as one grows and the other doesnt. Of course i am thinking the worst right, i am her mom, its what i do, brace for the possibilities. Its usually primarily internal thought. I try to exhibit a positive attitude. I watch her ski, or walk last week in almost devastation that we may be taking a step back. anxious and nervous. It did occur to me in the middle of the week it could be a hip problem, and that would make sense as well. So i hoped for the best knowing it could be any range of things. Clinic brought that confirmation that it is indeed her hip.

See how this hip is in its socket? well saylor doesnt have hips in socket they wander elsewhere. I thought maybe one had relocated and found its place but nope they are still both out, but for some reason one has found a new home a little higher then it once used to be. Its anyone's guess how this occurred. She doesn't seem to be in pain or have sustained an injury. so for now if she is not in any pain and is minimally affected we wait and go on with our seemingly fairly normal lives, at least for the time being.

Non the less she continues to teach me through these experiences valuable life lessons as we go on this journey together. and as nate would say ... her hips dont lie!

Back to tuesday at DI. I too picked up a piece of literature i had long been desiring that day. I have been on hold for this first book in a trilogy for a several weeks and dont seem to be moving up the list fast enough. I came across this for 50 cents and was ecstatic! I love to read and i was craving a good new escape. I had it finished promptly as you could have guessed. It was a good easy read, captivating and fun. I am not a big fan of science fiction but i can do it in this type of format. The deeper idea behind the uglies is really what intrigues me. Why are they ugly? what is ugly? and the human race. One of my thoughts though was about saylors imperfect and deformed body. How when it came time to "fix" her feet i was a total mess, because her feet were beautiful to me! i didnt want to fix them anymore. I could really relate on a deeper level with the words between the lines on this one. Its a recommended read and those of you that have read it likely get what i am saying. Good escape ... cant wait to read pretties, and specials. Found specials for 50 cents too ... see without even doing a DI post i am convincing you! dont go there ... dont go there .. dont go there ... subliminal!

A little wrestling recap on how the season has been going. We have had some ups and downs. Stock had been fighting the brutal cold we all have at some point. In washington he took 5th. then the next week he took 1st at one tournament and the next day took 2nd. then last weekend he wrested again in two divisions, his own age and jr high. in his own age he took 1st and in jr high bracket he took 2nd. just in case you dont recall he is 9!

and a little holiday-ness ... lets have a santa chat. then ill wrap things up cause your about sick of me if your still reading ... which i doubt you are.

last sat the girls and i went to Hollywood connections. Somewhere we had never been before. Still nauseous thinking about watching the girls on the rides. Anyhow it was for an Angels Hands xmas party. the boys were away at wrestling as usual. This is the girls on a ride that i actually went on with them, seriously i did really think i was gonna vomit. they had a blast it was a great day. We also saw megamind that day {not recommended unless its $1:}

The previous night we were at a ward party that included santa. A weighty topic in our house as of late actually. Tuesday saylor had asked a lot of santa/Jesus questions and had long talks with both nate and I. and in fact as a family sort of the theme of our year has been making that final transition with her about believing. {disclaimer .. yes another one, this is just what we have decided we want for our family, i know this is such an opinionated subject and trust me i respect what other options there are in way of this controversy.} She is the last of our kids to realize that santa is just a symbol, that the spirit is magical but that santa is not indeed real. Storie and stock have known this for some time now, they knew even younger then her, but i suppose we have hung onto the magic a little longer with her for obvious reasons. The time has come though ... and frankly i think this clears up all the confusion about seeing one santa one min and another another min. like this weekend for example, santa at the ward party, santa at the angel hands party, and yet another santa at hollywood connections. hmmmmm 24 hours and 3 very different santa's??? I love that she knows, i love how she is now wondering who that particular santa really is? But more then that i love that we can focus on what is real to us and what we believe as a family and what xmas is really about, CHRIST.

its still fun though right? so all our presents are under the tree, they know who they come from and why they come. and thats all she wrote for today ... and probably weeks to come so enjoy!

we have been busy this year!

2010-12-02T14:11:00.000-08:00

Image courtesy of the fantastic mrs. darla roze!

Many of our xmas cards have gone out, one of my favorite things to send and even better to get this time of year! {Dont stress if you still havent gotten yours, i am still working on getting a few more out! and if you think you might not be on my list but want to be, well then send me a quick message!} So i thought this would be a good time to share a little bit about whats behind this years picture.

Nate & I have gotten older, and less photogenic so we were very reluctant to participate in any image that would be shared with 150 of our closest friends and family. But we are more then happy to share our gorgeous kids! But we wanted to do something a little different. Something that really showed without words what we are about these days ... and so we came up with this. Each kid is pretty decked out in just about everything that keeps us all busy!

I called up a great friend of mine and we ventured out to her studio for a quick shoot. Love what she captured! thanks darla!

And for those that read our blog, a written update on exactly what it is that they have been up to!

Miss Storie Kate ..Busy Busy and ever so talented. She is proving to have that natural Nate athletic ability in her. She is swimming on the UVrays swim team, which requires a workout in the pool every single day! She entered the swim team on team A and quickly progressed and advanced to team B where she is now. Its only been a few short months but she continues to enjoy it and is doing really well, we expecially love to go to the meets and watch her compete, it's comfortable for us, not that much different then a wrestling tournament, individual sports both structured similarly! We switched violin teachers this year and that has resulted in drastic improvements! We are really enjoying the new way to progress in this talent & its been fun to have her play xmas music these last few weeks. And then what she is most excited about and anticipating with a bit of bait in her breath .. snowboarding, which means she has a little bit of me in her too! She cant wait to hit the slopes, and I cant wait to hit them with her. She will be doing the school boarding program at sundance on fridays again this year where someone other then me can teach her new skills! And she is a 5th grader, so this means ski utah pass! cant wait to hit several resorts with her for some fun in the snow!

Stock ..... This kid keeps us running and his dad busy nearly full time. With everyone so busy I usually handle the girls, Nate usually deals with all of stocks needs along with his coaching commitments. We are in the thick of wrestling season right now! He is doing really well and we have been really blessed with some great new training opportunities. He just returned home from a tournament in washington. He hits wrestling practice every day for usually 2-3 hours and tournaents pretty much every weekend. He is thriving though and loves it, he is really self motivated and committed. several jr highs have asked to have him at practice and duals and i think nate has settled on mt view for the time being, just part time outside of already private club team training. I know your asking are we pushing? in reality the kid is pushing us! He finished up football a few weeks back but thats the other true sport love of his life! and when he is not wrestling he likely still continues to have a football in his hands. Baseball was a big part of our spring summer life, it was his first year but like his dad he soon was one of the top athletes in the league for his age, so when the snow melts he & nate will return back to the batting cages and baseball will begin. Stock did swim over the summer on the provo pikes team but its not his love, its a matter of conditioning only!

Little Saylor Jae ... she is a pretty busy cat too! This summer she played wheelchair tennis, and the fall brought a little season of wheelchair basketball. Both of which i can hardly fathom. Just think about how hard it would be to manuever a racket, chair, ball, and body? seriously, but she seems like a natural at it all and took to it well. OF course her coach quickly became smitten with her attention and dedication for her age and natural obrien athletic ability. She is very sad that they are both over! Ski season has begun and saylor couldnt be more thrilled! she is so extatic to be back on the slopes! We had our first of the season lesson yesterday and she did so well! had such a good non surgery year, got so strong that she improved drastically over the summer! She is now skiing with outriggers and is becoming more and more independent. Its so emotional, and yet lovely to watch my dreams and her own dreams come true and work towards something so amazing like skiing. I am so grateful for wasatch adaptive sports and how they have changed our lives!

On a stressful note ... saylor actually physically is experiencing some new challenges. for a good amount of time she has been stable and nearly problem free. only a few hiccups here and there that actually resulted in not much of a problem afterall. I am hoping that this too might be that same way but am also bracing myself for something more. We have recently noticed that one of her legs is longer then the other. It could be as simple as a hip reloccation on one side or as difficult as one leg not growing as a result of so much early on orthopedic surgery, which would in turn present some major physical problems. We will know a lot more at the end of next week.That ever so familiar {yet havent felt in a while} feeling is back in my heart, stomach, and head. Its a bit daunting, being out of practice. But i am sure we will find our way across this bridge too!

as nate and i were settling into bed last night we were watching the news and a story came on about a family that was really really busy with "extra" activities in their kids life. The question behind he story was how busy is too busy and what are the adverse affects? i just laughed because i understood! But our perspective has always been lead by the kids themselves rather then us, with our motivation, and encouragement behind anything that was in fact good for them. A busy kid, is usually a good kid, who is learning a lot about life's lessons early. So as busy as it is, this is beautiful to me! Its so much fun to watch this all unfold and to watch them succeed ... i couldnt be happier then i am right now, life seems as it should be and this is what i imagined parenting at its best to feel like. it feels so good.

O'Briens win at ALL costs!

2010-11-21T18:17:00.000-08:00

This past weekend I attended Time Out for Women in slc w/my mom. I could blog & blog about my renewed thoughts, perspectives, and things attained. I cant say enough good things about this program. But today I thought I would blog about just one concept that was renewed for me.

One of the presenters reminded me of our family motto, by suggesting each family should have a mission statement. We sort of do, though it really has never been formalized. It has come to mean different things to us {especially nate & I} over the years, but we havent really talked about what it means with each other or our kids. I was really inspired to formalize this family motto and discuss it with my family, capture it in our home to remind us more frequently of what our goal is.

So on first impression {especially if you know us, and even more so if you know NATE!} it seems arrogant & competitive, and hardly at all spiritual. We have said this on a regular basis since early marriage, well actually i shouldnt take credit, nate has said it to himself for far longer then even that, its his mission statement and it has become our family motto.

"O'Briens win at all costs!"

I realize that years of saying this to our kids on occasion, could have eluded to extreme expectations on our parts, but .... when we sat down to establish exactly what this means they pleasantly surprised me with at least a little understanding.

What does our family motto mean to you ...

Storie " Doing better then before and working hard"

Stockton "taking first"

Saylor "Be the best player, and you have to pay for it"

Nate "you must be willing to sacrifice everything you can to be the best you can to actually win"

Audrey "you get what you pay for! ... pay the cost to win!"

There are so many things to win, from a spelling test to eternal life, and all the in between. I am looking forward to this christmas putting up our family motto in our house as a reminder of our goal as a family. and what our goal means, i look forward even more the the future family discussions that will surround measuring our success!

So a little call out to my peeps ... first whats your family motto/mission statement? what does it mean to you? And anyone have a great wall art company? Got to design this thing up!!!

i hate the mall! is that sad?

2010-11-11T08:59:00.000-08:00

So i cant help myself but blog about this. I guess because its a good lesson even for me, i seem to have the privileged of learning it over and over again, experiencing it from a unique perspective.

A few days ago i ran into the mall to rent storie her seasonal board and drop off ink for a refill. I very rarely go to the mall. I hate the mall, for a number of reasons but we wont go there today. I forgot to go back and get the ink when we were done. So i bet you can imagine how mad i was when i realized this, nothing worse then going BACK to the mall!

Last night after storie's meet we were all starving, and the boys were at wrestling. so i just decided we would hit the food court since it was so close to the ink shop and pick up the ink and get dinner.

Again ... I hate the mall.

When we go in public, saylor is starred at by nearly everyone. Some people are discreet. others are not. The mall is somewhere i avoid for this very reason. Disney land is super hard! But even wrestling tournaments, swim meets, trafalga, what have you, pretty much anywhere that contains a lot of public. Over the years we have been the recipients of many comments, almost all of which in my opinion have a negative connotation, but many people dont realize they do. I hate the mall for this reason.

Saylor has only just begun to become aware. She is going through an interesting time as she becomes aware of her disability and her differences. She now can understand when someone says something what they mean, we no longer can shelter her, this makes it all the more hard. That being said, it has never been my intention to shelter her and to avoid public, i want her to be a participating part of the community and society. and a positive one at that!

Last night these two, i would say mid twenties, ladies were really staring at us. Like head following us kind of watching. Then one of them said very loudly "that is so sad!"

Now before i tell you how i couldnt restrain myself, here is the lesson .... I say things dumb all the time. We all do. I could use a little more discipline in thinking before i talk! When things like this happen it really reminds me that i need to think before i talk, but that i am human and so are they. I need to be more understanding and forgiving. I do as her parent understand how things look. That she is this gorgeous little tiny girl who seems incredible and her situation does seem sad, and i suppose sometimes it is. But thats not how we see it at all. Its hard but not sad! My perspective of the blessing of saylor is so positive not negative.

I usually have the restraint to not say anything, its kind of not my personality either. But emotionally i just couldnt help myself last night. Here is my question i pose to this statement that we often hear! People say this as they pass her by on a regular basis! I hear "that is so sad" or "how sad" or things of this nature often.

Is that how you want this child to perceive herself? Would that be positive and beneficial to her in her life and self esteem, self perspective? I dare say i hope that most of us would say NO! thus why this comment is so ridiculous.

So i turned around and loudly said to her, "its actually not sad at all" she was stunned! Eyes wide! She said then "its not?" i believe for lack of anything better to say! And i said "its really not!"

I dont know if she gets it ... But i hope my inability to restrain myself last night taught her a life lesson too! it did for me! once again, for the billionth time! I know it wont be the last.

next time think about the words you utter i challenge you!

halloween 2010

2010-11-02T12:53:00.000-07:00

Halloween has come and gone. And i am kind of sad. Just realizing the kiddos are growing up fast and only so many halloweens where i dress them up and get to take them trick or treating remain. Plus it down poured {for those of you who didnt notice or dont live in utah!} so it ruined a lot of the fun. Stock was a party pooper and really wouldnt dress up, i had all sorts of great easy ideas for him, non of which he would concur. so i let him be. He put on his football pads and game day duds, not really dressing up for the little lad. and he didnt want to be in a single pick, and he wanted to trick or treat with his friends and hang with them not us ... and so you see in some cases the time has in deed fleeted me by.

The girls on the other hand, let me have some fun! storie came up with the idea of being "a storie book" on her own. I just used some crafty imagination and skills to create an easy simple costume for her. and saylor, we fought back and forth about many ideas, she finally settled on "tickled pink" and i let her, cause it was exhausting. and in the end ... she was a doll as usual!

I had to help with a YW activity so sweet neen's actually got saylor started while the two older's were out with friends! thanks neena, your a gem!

this is halloween

2010-10-29T15:54:00.000-07:00

Halloween really speaks to me, i love the decor, the time of year, the smell in the air, the costuming, i heart it all. many of you know that my obscure mind finds tarantulas and skulls fascinating and appealing, all year round so this time of year is so fantastic with the celebration of fascinating items! In years past i have done fun crafty projects with the girls and really decor-ed up the house. this year has been a simplier turn of the leaf but my heart still gets a little twitter for it all! {that is when i can i even have time to think about something other then wrestling.football.swim team.wheelchair basketball. croup. company. hunting ... and the list goes on and on}

cedit: womans day

Just a few pieces of decor inspiration that inspire and ignite me, things i would do if i had the time of course .. the money ... oh and a larger less cracker box like house to display them all in.

credit: once wed

A little kelly Edwards/Martha touch

and last but not least a majestic, yet almost eerie blue hued table ensemble. Trendy 2010 heart color.

kids in their clever & witty costumes coming soon!

in love with a man

2010-10-21T13:11:00.001-07:00

I am in love with this man. He has ripened to the age of 34 and its true, he does get better with age! I have been thinking a great deal these last few days about marriage, and about my feelings for nate. words hardly express these things, and even in that case there are some things just to sacred to express. There have been ups and downs, and yes days that i wondered how we would make it, days i thought i loved him less but in the end made me love him more! and love him more for loving me enough to do this with me, when i am ugly, when i am mean, when i am less then my best. for loving me enough to make this journey through the good and bad days, its a mess on occasion, but its a work of art! and i am so in love with a man!

I updated and changed my blog music playlist, and i did it with nate in mind. The song just breathe by Pearl Jam just says so eloquently from my perception how i feel sometimes! marry me by train is another i just cant get enough of. Music is so powerful in its ability to increase the depth of emotion. that being said, there is just some great music on their this time around {or always ha ha i know i am biased} some have not a thing to do with my personal relationships, just great music!

time

2010-10-08T12:43:00.000-07:00

I frequent DI. many of you probably didnt know that. Its an obsession of mine. I am gonna start taking pics more often of my "finds" some that i buy and some that i dont. Regardless going to DI requires time. So i thought this clock purse appropriate.

another great find, this jacket, neens actually did buy this gem.

and thats all i have to say or post about that.

well spoken

2010-10-01T08:44:00.000-07:00

I found this video on facebook. Just when i think FB is such a waist, it allows me to be exposed to things i dont have the time or other way to fall into. this video is long. but if you read my recent post on the sacred power of procreation then you will understand and know why i feel so passionate about this video, you must take the time to watch it! its astounding. its powerful and amazing. and more then that gianna is an amazing speaker! So though she doesnt know me, though she likely will never read this blog i just want to say thank you, thank you for fighting for life! for making people uncomfortable!

me

2010-09-24T10:16:00.000-07:00

So i guess its my turn right? what have i been doing you ask? Well i have been doing all that you have already ready. I am the mom right? so all those lives are also my life! And somewhere in between all that, this is a little of what is me at the moment.

i am rocking the mini van these days! yep ... i have joined the ranks.

it was a hard thing to do ... but a necessary one. And you all can be the first, second, third and through to many hundreds who can say i told you so! I do love it!

My summer was super busy with all the kids stuff and somewhere in between i did oodles of weddings ...

just a sampling ....

I went to Santa Fe new mexico to teach a real wedding one on one workshop with tansy floral design. It was such a beautiful experience full of many blessings of revelation and spirit. Sunni has become more then a floral peer, such a dear friend. Her kids were just about as hilarious as it gets, mostly because i think both sunni & josh could be the most fun people i know {since funnest is not a word} the kids left me this note when the job was all said and done ...

soon thereafter i went on a road trip to cali. I took neens with me. We were on a mission to do Jules wedding flowers on yacht in new port. along the way we stopped at a monster gas station. no i really do mean monster gas station ...

extreme sport crazy inside!

We drove it straight and went right into LA to head to the french quarter to surprise my dad at work! it was fun, i have to admit. Its always nice to surprise someone. He knew we were coming but had planned on seeing us at his house later in the evening. After our little work visit neens and i headed over to melrose. The first thing we saw after we parked ...

from the moment we stepped onto melrose until we left neens was pure entertainment. Really anyone who visits melrose for the first time is. One of my fav places to people watch. We visited several trendy second hand stores and saw things likely never to be seen again. We also scored some cute on sale stuff here and there.

We had a long few days of production in a local elementary school lunch room! sweeet!

the best part ... my dad worked for studio stems all day! priceless experience.

Julia's wedding was soooo gorgeous and we had a delightful time. Of course there was the usual husstle and bustle of working and attending a wedding that usually results in a little bit ... or a lot of chaos! and lets not forget a bucket of water spilling all over my skirt and then neena holding it out the window down the freeway in LA to dry it off! But in the end it was an amazing day. I think the Newport T might be my new favorite. Small and quaint and the simpleness i want my celestial to be.

the way home was the best reality TV show that could have ever once aired! Just out of the city and near victorville we saw two highway patrol officers on either side of a pulled over homeless man nearly naked pushing a shopping cart. We passed it far to quickly to take a pic but it was a hard one to get over i tell ya. Then just outside of barstow we hit mounds of traffic. That ultimately cost us 6 hours of traveling time. Early that day a CHP officer was hit by a car while he was issueing a sitation and killed. so the investigation shut down all of I15 for 9 hours. We sat in traffic to get out of the mess for about 3 hours then finally made our way to our own genius detour out through the desert. This meant we came home through joshua tree. Onbe of my fav drives anyhow. But our stop at the shoe tree brought about yet another death ..

i for one was devastated!

My dad returned on the drive with us ... pretty sure he will always fly no matter what at this point. It was nice to have him with us at home for a bit.

Then i soon took off to girls camp. No pics here friends. i just aint that pretty on a good day so i wont be displaying pics on bad days! Camp was great and after years of wanting to go back i found myself immersed in some pretty serious trials that carried through the week and petitioned growth i hadnt expected. so in the end, camp was what it always has been, and what it should be. spiritual.

Sometime after that i found these ...

I am pretty much dying for a pair. Here is what i figure .. I cant walk in heels very good, and i really cant swim good either. so i think this might be the answer to the whole dilema. so now you know what to get me for xmas!

I have also read a told somewhere in the in between ...

I wont review the four of these here and now but if you want to have a book discussion with me let me know. If you cant stomach serious graphics dont read tattoo but if you can and you love a great mystery its a good read. there is also a bit of language here that i could have done without. Hunger games ... good read ... disturbing ending. is this really young adult literature? my young adults wont be reading it! but dont get me wrong, i enjoyed my reading time.

and then there is UBB. so busy there as well. We just released a new look for 2011 so we are busy with updates and changes! you can view a preview here!

ok and well though i have lots more in my full life to share i have run out of blogging time so it will have to wait a bit of time ... until then ...

life & procreation {sacred}

2010-09-19T17:46:00.000-07:00

I taught YW today. And in fact I spoke on the same topic just a few weeks ago in another ward. Both situations took me to very different places. A testimony that the spirit guides and directs. In my final preparations this morning, the thought came to me, or rather encouraged me to share some thoughts on the blog. This is my voice in many ways, its also a tool to be a missionary of sorts, amongst other things. So I figured ... why not??? The topic & issue is weighty but is of importance to me, my opinion is passionate, there is not doubt. Its hard to not recognize that its also very spiritually connected to my own beliefs and testimony.

I was combining two lessons on "the importance of life" & "the sacred power of procreation". Of course I considered what the girls in this ward specifically needed to hear. But i had many other thoughts as well. One of the lessons touched on abortion, and also talked of a disabled individual. How much more to the heart of my home can you get?

I turned to Nate, as I often do, to contribute to my messy pile of thoughts, help me organize & construct. As it usually turns out his knowledge and perceptions were of great value. When I brought up that ugly word {abortion} he turned to his scriptures and said that abortion reminded him of this scripture.

2NE15:20 "wo unto them that call evil good, and good evil, that put darkness for light, and light for darkness, that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!"

and yes there is actually an exclamation point in the actual scripture.

We talked about how far medical technology has come since the beginning of man. How its been a blessing in our lives, but is a curse to many others. Its true that these days abnormalities of all kinds can be detected in pregnancy. And in the case of spina bifida this usually results in termination. And when i say usually i am talking high stats that are documented, its kind of scattered in research but between 70-90%.

so what is it that i believe? abortion occurs {in this circumstance} out of the perceived notion or encouraged notion, that a life like saylors is cruel. That it would be evil to allow and good to spare this fetus of such a tortured life. {calling evil good, and good evil}.

But the missing element is that its not our life to take away. It wasnt ours to give either. We are just participating in the blessed gift of procreation. But we arent participating alone, nate and I. There is another element. God. This was his plan and his will for her and for us. To betray that would be to betray all that i believe. Not that i ever considered that. I didnt, though i was offered the option on a few occasions.

JOHN 9:1-3

"and as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth. And his disciples asked him, saying Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind. Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him."

She was sent here for a purpose, for which i have no right to rob those who are meant to be touched by her. How many lives would not have been changed or touched? Why do so many see this outcome as a sum of sin? Even now in modern times? knowledge? understanding? religion?

Her life is sacred, all our lives are sacred! and the right to participate in giving life is sacred! is there anything else so sacred as this?

To finish up my prep for the lesson i turned to another emotional viewing of saylors baby video to figure out a good spot to share with my girls. I intended on turning down the music to read scripture while the pictures displayed, which i indeed did end up doing. But i couldnt help reflect on how the song that was playing at the spot i selected was so intertwined with the lesson, my discussion with nate, and my own thoughts.

I picked this song out years ago ... clearly this is her baby dvd right ... it was so special and pertinent to me then. Lyrically fit to perfection. I think i even shared it at some point on the blog years ago. But i cant help but want to cut and paste those lyrics in here with a few of my own thoughts and notes to suit.

Doctors have come from distant cities just to see me ok so we went to them either way not our city!
stand over my bed disbelieving what they're seeing how many times did we hear "i dont know, this may not be able to be fixed, we havent seen this before ..."
they say I must be one of the wonders
of god's own creation Doctors didnt really say this, but this is what she is. exactly what she is. she is HIS wonder to in turn provoke wonder that will hopefully be a seed.
and as far as they can see they can offer
no explanation science cant always explain.
newspapers ask intimate questions, want confessions this is society suggesting sin. suggesting something needs to be confessed, that we {man} caused this to occur.
reach into my head to steal the glory of my story fear overrides society's ability to believe that this is a wonder of God, the beauty of how he teaches us. Always trying to steal the glory that is His.
I believe fate smiled at destiny
laughed as she came to my cradle "know that this child will be able"
laughed as my body she lifted "know this child will be gifted
with love. with patience, and with faith she'll make her way" it is saylor's destiny to make her way, she has made her way. she has made it with faith, love, patience and many other Godly attributes. and so good prevails here. it shines through the theft of the story. because we used our free agency to give life.
people see me, I'm a challenge to your balance love this, balance is one of her main physical weaknesses, but spiritually it is her strength, her gift to us. how long as a society have we felt discomfort around these amazing spirits because they challenge our balance? our spiritual and intellectual balance? even i am guilty of this on some level. we all are. some more then others. but i see it, more then others. i see it in almost every strangers face that looks our way.
I'm over your heads, I confound you and astound you she is this way, but mostly to those who know her best, who know the miracles that she is constructed of. she is astounding, she has more to offer us here in this trial state then i ever will. {that the miracles of God may be manifest in her.
to know I must be one of the wonders
of god's own creation

Its is my testimony that the power of procreation is a divine and sacred gift that should not be misused or unrecognized. That the gospel sheds light on what truly is evil and what is good and that we are sent here to pass through this trial with purpose. I know that the Savior lives. I leave this with you in His name.

saylor wants a pig {still}

2010-09-16T13:16:00.000-07:00

Saylor .. where do I begin? As i have reflected on what to share about little miss and her summer adventures i am overwhelmed and cant help but think about how our lives revolve around her brightness in so many ways. There is so much to share when it comes to her, and truth be told i know thats what most of my readers want, they want a piece of her. Everyone does, she is so easy to be taken with. She consistently brings blessings that can not even be contained. inspiring in her very existence. So i am pushing myself to not feel guilty that the other kiddos posts were not as long as this one, and hoping you wont be too bored of it either!

I am gonna keep this post happy but insert here just a quick medical type update. She is doing well for the most part. She has struggled with back and head pain pretty consistently through the summer. This is indicative of several things, some of which we were anticipating. But for the time being she is stable and happy and for the most part pain free, at least for the last few weeks. There are no surgeries scheduled or planned for the immediate future. On a happy medical note we are super excited about a new wheelchair & crutches on the way! We went sporty for agility reasons and she can hardly wait!

As in previous posts, i am gonna work a little backwards. This is Saylor on her first day of 2ND grade! I feel like she is changing so rapidly, getting taller and bigger and just looks older through her face. That being said she really isnt big. Today while i was in her class volunteering i realized the gap has become wider. The kids her age are drastically taller then her, rather then just taller then her. Top of her head height is about their pits!

She got a hand tattoo also! but she was proud to wear it on her little hand!

School thus far has been good this year. Great teacher, good friends. She could be the most popular kid in the whole skool! The last few weeks every time i drop them off or pick them up or walk through the skool kids of all ages say Hi to her. it sounds like this ... hi saylor, hi saylor, hi saylor, hi saylor and her mom, hi saylor, hi saylor. pretty non stop. I am kind of interested in the idea behind how many older kids know and adore her.

During SEP with stocks new teacher i was explaining to her his involvement in her daily care at school and to please accommodate these needs. She asked me which class saylor was in, and i explained she is that little girl walking around with the blue crutches, and stocks teachers blurts out "are you talking about saylor?!!" i hadnt yet mentioned her name obviously, this is a 4th grade teacher mind you, that we have really have had no family interaction with. She then gushed about how much she adores her and how she brightens up the halls and her life. Even though they really have never talked. Ok then ... she is the most popular thing in the entire skool ... staff included! So skool is great. and i think this will be a welcome blessing in those hard moments when she realizes that she is indeed different.

Those moments are starting to grace our lives, like this one ....

We went bowling this summer with some friends. This is saylor bowling backwards. Pretty comical. This was a hard day for her, that turned into a hard week, hard month and more self awareness. Started a little tail spin i hadnt anticipated, but i do realize these moments, they are bound to happen. Its how we handle them that will make the difference. She was devastated that her body would not bowl like stories, that she couldnt skip to the lane and then gracefully throw the ball. and she knew inside that no matter what it would never be this way for her. Hard times .... Holy places too! (thanks Kris, for tagging these moments for me)

that being said there has been no shortage of adaptive sports in her life. In fact her life has suddenly been packed with opportunities! like ..

special needs rodeo!

my friend jamie saw this on the news and passed the info along, otherwise our lives wouldnt have been blessed with this summer highlight for the whole fam. so thanks jamie, we are glad your in our lives to bless us also! I really came to realize this summer, or rather i already knew but just had a moment of more intense reflection, that there are so many good people out there, doing good selfless things for other people! This rodeo was so well organized and soooo much fun! All the local law enforcement came and each participant got a little buddy! I felt so bad for saylors UHP officer, hobbling around on his fractured foot! But just like everyone he was smitten with her and insisted on being fully responsible for her throughout the day. She got to ride a mechanical bull, love this shot though its not too clear, i was a ways away, she is even putting up her arm! she got to ride horses, a familiar activity, pet all sorts of animals, learn to rope a steer, and many other things! we had a blast. That evening we also attended the real rodeo where saylor came in with the royalty in the back of a truck. It was a great time had by all and the best rodeo i have ever been too! We all were just giddy with happiness. Storie and stock participated in the calf chase and stock nearly scored himself a $50 butt tag.

and then there is tennis

through saylors PT at pcmc we recently became involved in a wheelchair tennis program at liberty park in slc. I was hesitant, worried that it would be too difficult. really think about it, much more complex then able bodied tennis. so such to move all at the same time! But in true O'Brien spirit she took to it! She was attentive and focused with far more endurance then the other kids her age. Full effort forward and she got better and better as the weeks went by. It didnt take long for her coach (ammmmmazing man!) to see the natural athletic fire burning from inside her genes!

so we then naturally started ...

wheelchair basketball. Same coach, different facility. More fun! Its a little brutal, even with these little kids. Lots of chair tipping, and crashing and ball smacking into faces. Several kids couldnt hack it. But not my saylor. She played for 2 hours! Storie, stock, & nate all got in a chair too. It was a hoot to watch and so much fun for the entire family. I think it was really moving to have us be like her for a change.

and YET ANOTHER SUMMER HIGHLIGHT! {bear with me here}

Thursday Hero reunion. Saylor Loves the cougs! She was beaming ear to ear! it was fun to be with and see the other hero's to and get to know there story a little. Food was great, company was great and saylor felt part of the team! Really emotional for me as a mother to see once again a couple hundred grown men dote on my baby. We spent a lot of time with coach weber, love that teddy bear. And our new home teacher who is also on the team, landon. Nate had a good long chat with Brian Logan. In fact i was kind of embarrassed, there were all these kids who wanted to get his autograph and talk to him but brian nate just ignored them and bantered on like they were bro's or something. they really connected and i must admit i was really impressed with the head this kid had on his shoulder. Which by the way is a tad shorter then nate .. here is the proof!

and then there were the PIGS!

She STILL has a pretty healthy obsession with pigs. While at a family reunion she fell in love with this cute little black baby pot belly pig. It belongs to the boyfriend of one of nate's second cousins. She didnt leave its presence much the entire evening. Good thing the boyfriend was as smitten with saylor as she was with the pig!

I thought it might be fun to take her to a friend of ours pig farm. These are BIG pigs though. But babies are born often. So she got to hold one ... they squeal really loud so this is her following suit and holding the pigs mouth shut. This one was so darling, it was a gorgeous tangerine color. and they were just so cute!

Unfortunately i just dont see how we could ever have a pig. unless of course they could function like a disability dog .... hmmmmm.

and as if this werent enough she also spent the day at snowbird with W.A.S.

It was kind of a last minute deal, but we were invited up for a day of fun in the summer sun at snowbird. We panned for gold, rode a disability trike, spent some time going up peruvian and through the tunnel and back. Went fishing in brighams pond and had lunch. Only one other WAS participant was up there and he was more or less training for a cycle race, rather then playing with us. This was a highly emotional day for me. I felt it in the morning. I felt it all day. And it made sense when one of the summers biggest blessings for me came to fruition. There was Brighams family. A little boy who used to participate with WAS, a little boy held hostage by his body, a little boy free now. His parents and siblings were up at snowbird, enjoying Brighams favorite place and his memory. I was so touched by this family, even their quiet being and spirit was humble yet powerful. I felt instantly connected with Julie, brighams mom. And yearned to know them better. the coming weeks blossomed a friendship i will always be so grateful for.

Without saylor these experiences just wouldnt be. I still dont always understand why i received these blessings, such a continuous flow. I feel so undeserving post of the time. But i am astounded by what it gives me. She is my reminder of who i am, who i want to be, and whats important in life. She is the light of our Savior shining brightly in my home, in my heart, in my life. Saylor is in us.

MOM tattoo

2010-09-09T08:47:00.000-07:00

So i guess its stocks turn ... {though i am tempted to post a you tube clip about elves instead ... maybe later}

stocks first day of school pics. He just like miss storie chose is own outfit. I dont even buy the kid clothes anymore because this is pretty much all he will wear. wrestling/football/baseball shirts (most of which seem to be signed by some pro athlete) and sport shorts. He is changing and growing older, as kids do. For probably only the 2nd time in his life he is by choice growing is hair out. It may also be only the 2nd time i really have allowed him to. Its mostly because haircuts make him enraged and long hair requires haircuts rather then a buzz. He is heading into the 4th grade and has a fantastic (almost toooo fantastic) teacher who i am sure will become smitten with him just as fast as the others have. I think from birth he has gradually become less mine and less of me and more of nate as well as just simply his. They are one in the same in far too many ways!

Then there is the tattoo. Dont worry disclaimer upfront, i am 100% aware of the situation i have created. That this tradition could result in my children coming home with real tattoos at some point. and should they do that ... well just so long as its a heart with the word 'mom' written on the inside, i wont mind.

So first day of school i draw a heart on the inside of the kids hands with the word 'mom' in it, to remind them that i am always with them, thinking of them, love them. Its supposed to be a comforting thing, because the first day of school is often filled with nerves. but i got to be honest with you, not really for my kids. they seem far to adjusted for some reason. totally comfortable with few concerns in the world. stock would not let me put it on his hand. cause then what if his friends saw it? but then he just wouldnt stop giggling either so i know he loves that i do this! but i insisted and told him he better pick a place cause i was putting the heart mom somewhere.

stock had an extremely busy summer. and i fear that the fall will be even more busy! It started with baseball, this time around regular old city league. We wondered how this was gonna play out with intense curiosity. Stock really has NO baseball experience. Nate has always focused on wrestling and football type things with him. But it was apparent at tryout clinic that stock has the magic that nate always has when it comes to athletics. So in the end he was the star and the starting pitcher the entire season. Baseball is super fun to go watch, especially with little boys! His skills were pretty naturally good but they improved with each passing practice and game. At the end of his season his team did not make it to the playoffs but in this league teams that do can recruit other players to play for them. So just when i thought it was over ... it was extended. It was fun to see him get some more playing time.

Baseball led right into several wrestling and football camps all over the valley and pretty back to back. I am pretty confident at this point that there have been very few days in the last few years this kid didnt get a work out in. Camps went great and we were excited to even be "scholarship ed" to a few (what were you thinking i cant afford all this!) good thing the kids is well known and liked with skills or there is no way we could do all this. as nate would say (because larry miller would say) preparation mixed with opportunity = success.

AND he did swim team this year. I know your exhausted just reading this, cause i am typing it!

its clear this is a conditioning sport for him. which is good. his heart is not in it and he doesnt put that heart into that i see elsewhere but he does it and enjoys it and because he is strong he is pretty good at it. Just before county he injured his neck (which landed me in a trainers office having a conversation about my son and athletics i never thought i would, at least not this young.) so he swam but didnt do his best. i think he took 3rd in one race and DQ the others.

He also turned 9 this summer. He got BYU football camp and all sport related stuff. Nate took him and 5 friends to a movie then they came back for some football in the yard and cake. One friend gave him a cold stone gift card. One of my favorite summer days was taking him there for an ice cream date just me and him. I doubt that the friends mom has any idea that she gave him and me much more then some ice cream! I should tell her ...

In his spare time (which was next to nothing) he went to the cabin with nate to help with the hunting preparation and sharpen his own shooting skills. Both kids have become pretty accurate with the BB guns. Sometimes i wonder what world i stepped into, seems so foreign.

Then football started ... Stock really wanted to play tackle this year and nate of course was 100% behind this. I had my reservations, as any mom would. He is only 9. But you might also be surprised to hear (ok so maybe some of you wont be) that some kids start tackle in 1st grade. Ok peeps so worried my kid is gonna get hurt and then any chance of all these athletic careers will be over! anyhow its no joking kind of team. practice every single day for 2-2.5 hours the month prior to games. where after words practice continues 3 days a week for that long and games every saturday. At the first game a kid on the other team got hurt bad enough the paramedics came. I am sure you can imagine how comforting this was to me. He does look so darling in his little pads and pants, like the man i adore so i cant help but just adore him too. He is doing pretty well and as good of shape as he was in before his body has changed a lot in the last few weeks. i didnt even realize it until we went on one last swim pool trip before summer ended. and i was like hmmm. not what i last remembered. He loves football from what i can tell, and i think his dad loves it too! He is playing on both offensive and defensive lines so he plays most of the game. Though is not really playing the position he would prefer at the moment.

this isnt the best pic, i am so bad i dont take enough sport pics. but i just get all anxious when i am there and can barely force myself to be calm.

so with football comes more football. in the form of BYU games. Stock has been spoiled with team attention! our home teacher plays on the team and he has gotten some special opps (thanks to saylor more on that later.)

so with the changing of leaves arrives the boys favorite season.

soon wrestling will start .... when will i ever catch my breath!

storie update

2010-09-07T14:53:00.000-07:00

this is gonna be a regular part of our life all year long and nearly everyday! STORIE MADE THE TEAM! I was so nervous, i think i was more nervous and then also more excited then her! especially when i realized how their numbers of kids trying out were far more then the team even anticipated! but she made it ... she made it .. she made it!!!!

the bullet

2010-09-02T07:47:00.000-07:00

I am just gonna have to skip me. The thought of writing about myself and catching you on the months of chaos that is just simply my world is far to overwhelming. so next ...

Miss storie kate i am gonna work a little backwards

The first day of skool has already come and gone. I cant believe how old my kids are getting and especially my storie kate. She is so gorgeous in who she is physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Lately i have really just felt immensely blessed by her presence. She picked out her own first day of skool out fit ... of course. she is that age now a days. 5th grade. great teacher this year, what a relief!

She has spent a great deal of the summer swimming the provo pikes swim team. This was her first year on a swim team and she proved to be as genetically predisposition-ed as stock, if not more! {insert bragging} stock can swim, he is a good swimmer, really is. super duper strong, but its more a conditioning thing for him and not a real passion like wrestling or football. that being said his best backstroke time is in the 45-48 second range on a 25. Storie .... 17! need is say more? super smooth swimmer. not far into the season her coaches started calling her the bullet. She swims strong and smooth and FAST! at county she took first in not one but TWO strokes. there had to have been at least 5 heats in her age bracket for each stroke! i was so dang proud of her.

We decided it might be a good idea to move her over to a long term year round club team. yesterday was try outs, and though initially i thought it likely was a shoe in, now i wonder. there were far more kids trying out then even the club anticipated for this year. so .... time will tell. we should know early next week. i think she made it, she did great at tryouts. strong girl. oh and did i mention county took place after only 4 days of antibiotics coming off walking pneumonia? hmmm. makes you wonder what the potential is with full health capacity.

we have spent a lot of time at the cabin (see previous post for various reasons) this year. And one of storie's fav trips (this really was a fav for all of us) was when we went up the mirror lake. we stopped at this provo river park area that was incredible. i dont really perceive the provo river as particularly gorgeous. but this area sure is! i have never seen so many falls of such glorious artistic nature. almost landscape like but natural. the rock and its natural erosion was incredible!

another highlight of her summer was acting camp with her BFF mattea. They have a strong connection! it was just destined to be that way. they did a little community acting camp series for a few weeks and then spent the weekend together via sleepover at our house. we had a fun dinner and went to the movie despicable me. it was by far one of the most entertaining evenings i have had as a mother. mattea is hilarious!

oh the moments, they are fleeting. she soon will not want me to hang with her and her friends. i am trying to capture it all while i still can.

Nate

2010-08-30T14:47:00.000-07:00

so i figure ill update you one family peep at a time. starting with the oldest. This is not nate, though i know the likeness is astonishing, its not him. But all of his free time outside of work has been spent either with kids {and usually with stock at some kind of athletic thing or another} or preparing for the big elk hunt.

I dont know much about these things, but apparently he has been waiting all his life for this and acquired some astronomical amount of points in order to get this tag. so in short its a big deal. even though i swear not so long ago he went elk hunting, not sure what the difference was then and now. and i could be entirely wrong. all i know is that our late summer and fall every year are consumed with hunting.

but this year there was far more prep then ever before. like the special placement of wilderness cameras. that have caught a latino man out in the middle of nowhere forest private land. a load of deer. some fantastic elk. and a few bears. YES bears! Its not well known that there are bears at our cabin, in fact not many in nates large extended family have ever even seen one on any of the property. but as it turns out there are, and i dare say more than one based on what the cameras have captured.

what else has he been up to? well coaching stock at about every sport he plays which i feel like is everything. when people ask what he plays i would prefer they ask what he doesnt. and nate is always there beside him. little clone. is there such thing as a man umbilical cord? he also plays his own sports, like softball and what not. its fun though, its fun to go to those grown man softball games. praying the whole time no one gets hurt, or at least mine doesnt get hurt.

and work. work of course.

i am just gonna start with a bench

2010-08-26T11:52:00.000-07:00

Lately the blog has really been on mind and my to do list. Something i really wanted to get to. SO many family and friends keep up with us this way and i dont mean to leave you behind. i enjoy and appreciate your involvement in our lives and those that actually GET something out of the blog. With all that has been going on in each of our lives i have felt so overwhelmed with how much i need to post. with those feelings has come more procrastination. so this is my attempt to stop the cycle, just gonna blog about something simple today ... in hopes that it gets me going and that i can possibly do a post on each of us in the coming weeks.

not to long ago "the" piano came into our possession. This is the piano that was nate's grandmothers, then his mothers, then it got passed around a bit, dropped here and there by the boys while moving, damaged, worn, loved, neglected, and all those things that happen over the years with pianos. Initially nate thought he would restore the wood at least but to be honest i like its vintage and sort of velveteen rabbit feel. so i left it as is and moved it in to the living room. the bench on the other hand ... the material wasnt working for me. so i have been on the hunt for just the right thing. and of course at the right price. found a pillow sham at DI for $1. this fabric was the center of the sham and it was just enough to cover the bench.

great find if i do say so myself!

does anyone even read this anymore?

2010-07-04T21:09:00.000-07:00

so i have been a terrible blogger as of late, my life is well simply just indescribable at the time. its more then just a roller coaster. its not believable to be honest. that being said i have no energy to explain ... unless of course i actually have readers who care, which i am starting to wonder about anyhow? is blogging personally on its way out?

in the meantime something for you. my new obsession is the documentary "grey Gardens" its a must see. keep in mind my obscure nature though, if you cant ride with me then dont bother. a little taste.

miracle league basball

2010-06-13T08:56:00.000-07:00

I need to catch you up on all the craziness of our lives, june 2010 is turning out to be one of the busiest months of our lives. but for now something inspiring, saylor plays on a baseball miracle league. there is the darn cutest song on their website about what this must feel like for a kid like her. you must go watch the music video and check out a little about what she is participating in. go here

historicaly ...

2010-06-01T12:10:00.000-07:00

so recently we ventured to "idontknow" = Idaho for a little family gathering. It included mom & dad call and all their children, accompanied by the children and spouses of those children. We stayed at this darling place called school house inn, we all fit comfortably and we had a splendid adventure. We spent time in lava swimming and bancroft seeing the sights of our ancestors and going to church. but all these pics come from our private tour of chesterfield, a little town historically preserved mostly settled by Call's. in that first pic you can see the tithing house, and some inside rooms and furniture from Ira Call's cabin.

in the church meeting house many things are still in tact, including stacks of church manuals, china/silver for sacrament, the oregan & other nostalgic items.

at the local mercantile store we found a few other appealing historical artifacts ...

some of which remind me of my mother, myself, and my crafty storie! who by the way is doing spectacular! she finished off the school year with a violin solo in a concert and then a few days later a violin trio in sacrament meeting. she is getting so mature ... just made swim team and is looking forward to summer.

this ancient wheelchair was also found at the store, sentimental to us for obvious reasons. saylor thought the mechanics were comical. whom by the way is also doing fantastic, she will be attending summer school at franklin for part of the summer and is pretty obssessed with fishing with her dad! she will be doing the hardest thing of the summer tomorrow with a chait tube change. we are all anxious an stressed about it. she continues to be our miracle and our bright star. she is now covered by medicaid and that in and of itself is the hand of the Lord in our life, the miracle we needed.

on the way to chesterfield we passed this sign .. thought it to be appropriate! stock is also doing well. super busy kid as usual, right now he is doing some private wrestling practice and looking forward to a few camps for the summer. he also is playing baseball and has turned out to be quiet the little pitcher. like his dad just good at anything athletic. he also is on the swim team again this year so we have a few sports going on. he is turning 9 soon and unlike boys his age he wants things like camo pants for hunting and medal racks.

as for nate & i .... we are so relieved that we finally have the insurance thing worked out for at least the time being, and at a fraction of the cost that we were spending. saylor is on medicaid, the rest of us on humana and we are covering stocks reflux meds and condition out of our pockets for now. we were able to spend memorial day weekend or at least part of it ... together just our little fam at the cabin. it was delightful. nate is enjoying playing on a softball team city league stuff and being stocks coach in everything he does. all the while dealing with my craziness and intensely spiritual time. i am busy busy with work as well, tis the season. i am selling of some inventory so if your interested see the studio blog here.

excited to have kiddies home for the summer, nervous about how to work and keep them entertained! happy times, good memories.

hard times & holy places

2010-05-16T08:42:00.001-07:00

this week has been full of hard times & holy places. most of which i am not ready to talk about.

but i will share that i have been reminded by many how the sharing of my testimony is so important. and specifically by a few who i wouldnt expect that from. i have had an intensely spiritual week. early on in the week i spent a good amount of time reading the words of kris belcher. and i decided to email her and contribute to her fantastic blog. my writings are of hard times & just one of the many holy places associated with saylor. read it here. such an honor to be posted on such an inspiring blog. thank you kris for letting me share too.

insurance update ... for the first time in all of our utah SB life saylor is on disability medicaid. the experience itself was nothing short of a miracle and was very clearly places and moved by the Lord in an extreme time of need. i feel so much better about our situation now. and a lot more secure. now to just work our ins on the rest of us :) it seems to be coming into place.

i want my family & friends to know i do see the hand of the Lord in my life, i see it everyday. that the church is in deed true. and i also want them to know how grateful i am for their love & support. they are tools in the Lord's hands because i for sure could not be who i am without you or do what i do without you.

a birthday.a mothers day. a few books . a turkey. an explanation of some kind

2010-05-10T17:56:00.000-07:00

a birthday ...

so saylor turned 7. she had a great day and a great little family/close friend party. two of her SB friends came among many others ... josh and ireland and they had so much fun! its fun for her to be with those that she really can relate too! saylor has been wanting a bike for some time now, the wiggle car was just not quiet good enough anymore. while we were in reno for a wrestling tournament in april we went to this gigantic sporting goods store where she found herself this bike and started cruising the aisles. a clear winner! i wanted to get it right then and there ... who wouldnt for saylor? but it really wasnt feasible with logistics and all. thankfully the red laser on my iphone not only saved us the hassle of getting it home, but some money too! so i ordered it online. this thing is made for toddlers ... (gives you an idea of her realistic size) though i dont think it will fit much longer ... she is as happy as a lark these days in her bike! she is busy growing sea monkey's and playing with her new toys. still doing fairly well and hanging in there with her health ... its a good thing to because if i didnt feel like this was the healthiest she has ever been i would be really down right now ... more on that later. she hasnt been fishing yet, though thats really all she said she wanted ... you see that week it was too rainy and her dad has since been a little too busy. but she has had lots of fun playing on her new baseball miracle league team and flying kites as well as going to the zoo with angel hands! and thats the jist ...

mothers day ... comical & yummy
nate actually figured it out this year. it was so nice! of course he spoiled it by telling me a few days before and here the kids were keeping the secret so well and he was the one to ruin it. he went out of his way to get a waffle recipe that he knew i loved and the ingredients along with a high end state of the art waffle maker. breakfast was sooo good.

the kids adorned me with many homemade gifts that were priceless and a few notes that made me well up in laughter tears.

stock gave me a paper from school called "my marvelous mom" and then he proceeded to tell me in this paper

if my mom were a flower she would be a "tuliP' loved this one, some of my fav's but i only like them end stage, thats when they are most beautiful i can only hope that i will become more beautiful as i age and the most gorgeous at the end!

if my mom were a song she would be "snails" if you havent heard this song you should. my kids love this song and so do i. i dont know if it applies to me in my life though its good guidance and it brings us all together as we sing it. the one line in it i love says "they see the beauty in every inch" referring to the snail of course. i think we all need a slow down and to see the beauty in every inch of life.

if my mom were a super hero she would be "wonder woman because she can fly high" ok whatever bud

if my mom were a candy she would be "hershey's because she is strong" hmmm ok. glad he see's me as strong but still not getting the correlation here.

if my mom were a car she would be "a scion because she is cute" and that is what i drive so i am guessing that its more or less just blink here.

if my mom were a color she would be "yellow because she is happy a lot" i dont always think of myself that way .. so i am glad i am coming across that way at least to some degree.

if my mom were an animal she would be a ...

white tiger?

then there was the church fill in the blank mom gift in which all of my kids said consistent things. so clearly they must be right ... right? they all said i was good at cleaning ... or rather they are recognizing things have to be clean or i go nuts. they also all said that my favorite meal is spagheti and actually its far from, not sure i even like it much but i do realize i make it a lot because its easy, cheap, and everyone here at this house generally will eat it ... so i guess in some regards it is my fav. and last but not least when asked what i like to do with their dad they all replied snuggle. i suppose i am glad they know i want to be with him, that i want to feel and show our love and that there is affection going on in this house.

lately i have been reading ...

my mom recently loaned me this good read. i can always count on her for recommendations. i hadnt been doing much reading so this was a nice return. this raw book filled with emotion is also just a fantastic read. one that will make you think about your behavior your actions and how you feel about the sins of americas past.

then a friend gave me this ..

keeping me in my holy places, remembering where they are and who i am and how to continue to have them through all my trials, to embrace the amazing-ness of such a blessing to have a life with a few extra challenges. this woman is brilliant and funny, uplifting and real about it all. you can also read her inspiring blog at www.hardtimesandholyplaces.blogspot.com thanks ang!

and now i am reading a mothers day gift that is quiet comical and i can relate to almost every word!

if your a working mom or even just a mom this book is hilarious. its so nice to relate and have someone well word your thoughts! its making me smile! thanks mike.

a turkey

i was pretty frustrated with the idea of nate taking yet more time out of my needs to go turkey hunting. i was wondering how on earth he was going to fit this into his very demanding schedule. he left early morning friday and came home with this tom before 7am. cant decide if this was my blessing or his! but i for sure feel blessed that was over with so easily. had tom for dinner for mothers day and he pleasantly tasted like chicken rather then turkey!

an explanation ...
i have been rather absentee from updating you and i am not sure how much i am willing to say. so ill just let you have what i am comfortable with. i havent been feeling it. of course i feel like there is never enough time in the day and i am quickly encroaching my busy busy time with studio stems so this creates a demanding time where time is at its premium, then of course my UBB partner meg had her baby so i have taken that over entirely for a period of time. but when it comes down to it i am still feeling private and less eloquent. this few months has been an intense time of prayer and personal revelation and exploration. last week i had the opp to go womens conference and this yielded some answers and some direction. it feels good to have a plan but i also feel like i am jumping off a cliff into the darkness and that i may be a little insane ... and yet still i think i must jump. in the meantime of all this spiritual emotional personal stuff i am dealing with i am working nearly full time (it feels) on resolving insurance tragedy and chaos. nothing like a family like ours without insurance to THROW you over the edge. and life goes on ... it goes on and on and on.

celebrating life

2010-04-29T17:24:00.000-07:00

this is UCSF the hospital i lived in for the better part of the 2003 year. this has been on my mind because you see this ...

was born yesterday 7 years ago on april 28 2003. yes my baby saylor is 7! i can hardly believe, well in fact i dont want to believe it! this time of year gets me so nostalgic, reflecting on what we went through and the things we continue to go through. its a time of reflection and honestly immense gratitude for this amazing experience in my life. my life, our lives really revolve around this little angel in our home. I and therefor we would not be who we are individually or as a family without the circumstances that all this represents. often people ask me how we do this ... and you know what i wish that everyone could do this. i realize that its not true that everyone really can do it, but i wish this on everyone i care about. strange i know, but this is a beautiful life that brings blessings abound that are simply not experienced in any other way. truth be told you all are missing out!!! thats the simplicity of it all.

i do wonder why me? and not in the way you think, i am up for the challenge i can see the importance that it plays in my life, but am i up for the priviledge, responsibility and trust? its hard to not question how i became the chosen recepient to mother a spirit that is not containable and is immortal, larger then life here on earth, something seeeeeeringly special? i really do wonder, i dont feel good enough and though i used to question by adequacy i have learned that HE makes me adequate. but i will never know why me ...

saylor is happy and healthy and doing fantastic. we were able to get her a bike that she can actually ride! its tear jerking to watch it makes me so happy to see her do something "normal" in the realm of her "abnormal" life that she is becoming increasingly aware of. {pictures to come}

this day brought about a lot of emotion as we also attended the funeral of a young boy who was also disabled. he RUNS pain free now. but it really brings home the frailty of a bright star and how easily that could have been my baby. a life celebrated and shared for such a short time. amazing parents, amazing family, amazing blessings. and with it comes amazing heartache. i hope the petersons know they are in our prayers and that they made us that much more aware of how blessed we are! we love our kids a little more today if thats even possible.

saylor the olympain part deux!

2010-04-12T14:51:00.000-07:00

i know i know you all have been anxiously waiting for this follow up post on the steve young ski classic. and here it is. i finally got around to it. i just wanted to ride the high wave we were on until it fizzled. just enjoy it you know ... usually for me that means sharing it but some parts i just wanted to keep to myself for a bit.

so our private invite came from mark fox @ twin labs who so graciously donated 2 seats to our family at his table. so we had to decide who would go. i kind of knew all along i would end up going, i could feel it in my bones, like when people asked if were going even before i knew we were it seemed wrong to say no. but of course i did say no at the time. so nate and i talked it over and he said he thought i should go, and i felt really guilty that more often then not i get all the parent glory being the mom and all so i said well ask saylor let her decide. and truth be told if its something fun i would expect her to pick him. but she picked me this time. and it felt so right to everyone. although i was a little torn that we wouldnt all be experiencing this together.

later while getting ready i have this overwhelming feeling that i should be prepared to say something in front of all these people, which i quickly excuse as nonsense ... but then i know better dont i?

saylor & arrive at snowbird that evening and she is all smiles, still on huge high from the day. i keep thinking she must be exhausted but somehow she is not. we start mingling and checking out the silent auction. she is most definately one of only a few kids there and the smallest by far so she gets overwhelmed walking around. there is celebrity athletes all around us. we run into this guy and i am so emberassed to say i dont know who he is but i know he won a gold medal in the vancouver games ... so he lets saylor wear it!

super heavy, super cool!

we continue to mingle and finally we get to go sit at our table. i feel so silly and kind of nervous, out of place. we had bidding numbers (everyone did) and i have this small kid with me this small miracle, this small celebrity. people are just gravitating to her, i am so overwhelmed and she is just eating it up and people are just adoring her right and left.

we take a seat and no sooner do i that one of the directors of the program comes up to me and asks if i will speak ... yep. knew that was coming. a few min later barbara young comes over and tells me how she is supposed to speak and how she has been thinking about what to say and how to say it and how glad she is i am here because she wants to follow the winter games theme of paying hommage to the moms. so she says i want me to speak. ok. well i knew it was coming so i gladly oblige and feel all those butterflies start to flutter but then it all gets peaceful and i feel fine.

people start to arrive at our table and saylor starts making friends as usual. she met this great guy garry pay a former BYU football player and a VP at twin labs. she wont leave him alone and he seems to be happy to revert his age back and accomodate her playfullness.

people are just coming to our table right and left to talk to saylor and meet her. videos are playing of saylor and some of the other participants and hers are by far the cutest most touching ... well i am a bit bias, but really we know her right, we know what she eminates!

so then the time comes. barbara gets up and eloquently shares that she doesnt know what its like to be the mother of a special olympain and asks us to come up. saylor gets up on a stool next to me at the podium and promptly but discreetly asks me please do not cry, i promise her i will do my best to hold it in.

but just as i start to speak i of course start to cry. saylor reaches out and starts rubbing my back and the entire audience of i dont know 700 or peeps or sighs at the same time. and we both giggle. i share a brief history on saylor and some in depth gratitude for wasatch adaptive sports and what they have done and continue to do for saylor and how we couldnt do this on our own physically or financially. who knows what i said, you for sure sit down after that and think what did i say? but the difference was this time around i didnt feel like an idiot. i felt like what i said was the right thing, whatever it was.

on my way down right there at the front next to the podium first table, dick bass the owner of snowbird .. the owner peeps ... the OWNER takes my hand and with tears in his eyes smiles and tells me thank you. that felt like a million bucks ... he probably doesnt know that he wears off so easy.

we continue to be swarmed. and saylor is far to distracted to eat her $300+ plate of food. but i enjoy it:) and she continues to enjoy the attention. we meet tons more athletes and just lots of people coming up to thank us for sharing our story etc. it was so nice. i felt so good. i have always believed in sharing her. but this really felt good. one olympian in particular .... couldnt stay away from saylor ..

lincoln dewitt ... just keeps coming to our table. stays a few min and goofs with saylor then goes right back to his table, only to come back a few min later again. it takes me a few times to realize that its not in passing. he is going back and forth just to interact with her ... smitten clearly. they share stories and laugh and play a little. so many smitten faces around us. she is eating it up. sharing her medal and stories. laughing. its so fabulous. even know weeks later i sound and type like a little girl retelling the story of a fantastic night.

it truly was just so fantastic! saylor & brought home autographed chad lewis books and a goodie bag which then allowed nate and i to hit snowbird for a day ... man was that the most epic boarding day of my life! it extended the high tremendously as i explored 4 feet of fresh untracked powder in mineral basin with the love of my life. bliss!!!!!!

we met lots of people who i think in the future will play a part in our story, who have meaning to add to our story and support and i am so grateful. and so our story continues ...

i would dare catch you up but arent you tired of reading about us yet? that will have to wait for another time because there really is so much other stuff going on good and bad.

that being said one more medal pic ... this is saylor wearing henry cejudo's (gold medal winning wrestler) gold medal at lunch this last weekend. we got to spend some fun times with this delightful young champ!

it was more of a boy wrestling stock thing but who says the girls cant reap the benefits?

my olympian part 1

2010-03-31T09:17:00.000-07:00

I havent been so great about blogging, our lives have been well ... busy & sort of confusing. This weekend brought special times and clarification. I wanted to share with you what a beautiful experience we had participating in the steve young ski classic at snowbird through wasatch adaptive sports. this is merely part 1 of 2 and 2 was the best part for me but 1 was the best part for saylor!

so the steve young ski classic is sort of like a mini utah special olympics. wastach adaptive sports is the program that helps saylor ski along with many other special needs individuals both young and old. the ski classic is where celebrity athletes come and ski with the program participants in a race. saylor mostly ski's with amelia who works for WAS and you will see her in several pics, darling young lady! she competed against the ever so great chad lewis.

and she won of course!

this is saylor right before her race with chad & kyle whittingham

and some classic moments ... saylor using her crutches like poles (actually worked quiet well) and the smallest participant (saylor) with the tallest participant (mark eaton)

and then there was the GOLD medal! this was such a high for us all but especially for saylor. she kept saying things like "this is what i want to do with my life, i want to ski!" and she wore a smile all day and she has been wearing that gold medal nearly non stop since the moment she got it!

the celebs ... just to name a few ... steve young, chad lewis, kyle whittingham, rob morris, lee johnson, mark eaton, lincoln dewitt, & muffy davis along with several para-olympic female athletes that were specially inspiring and several other professional athletes.

in the evening on steve young ski classic day there is a benefit banquet auction dinner type thing (roughly $320 a plate to start with). that is for the athletes and all the peeps out there with the mooola that support this program. its the programs primary means of support and only happens once a year. our ski day ended with a private invite to attend this event and so there is more to come part deux!

gold

2010-03-19T12:27:00.000-07:00

hall or nothing ... you must see THIS inspiring story about an olympian with spina bifida that just took gold!

saylors inner pirate has died

2010-03-11T14:30:00.000-08:00

for the last few years {as many of you know} saylor has adorned only a single earing. Its because we made the mistake of not having them both punched at the same time, so she refused to do the other ear! years have since passed, filled with people telling her she has lost her other earing and other comments, not knowing that she only has one earing, thats it and she is pleased and happy with that. We have attempted to bribe, con, and convince her into the other ear several times with no success. As of late she has been waring a darling tink earing that she acquired from our last trip to disney. She simply would only like to wear this one tink earing, and so its been in since oct. its kind of wide ... and well it concealed the fact that her ear was infected until i discovered this was the case last friday {i know i am not the worlds greatest mom any longer} anyhow we removed the earing, but not without some tugging, the back was almost grown into the infected skin. Its not even been a week, infection is clearing but whole is grown in for the most part. So she has opted to abandon her one earing days for no earing days and thus her inner pirate has deceased.

on another note. i have cleaned out the girls closets and while saylor cant maintain a pair of pants for a day she can with shirts, skirts, sweaters, and jackets and we have some really dawling pieces that are tooooo small. strange considering that she is like barely 38 pounds and about that height to and she is nearly 7. anyhow we initially were thinking kid to kid ... but i have found out thats not such a good idea anyway ... sometimes we give them to family or friends but really as i think about those folks my heart turns away {i am sorry ... its nothing personal} i think i want these to go to a little girl whom really needs them and would really appreciate them and whom wouldnt have such brand name cute clothes otherwise. i need suggestions in finding this little girl so shoot me a comment or email if you know of one.

emotional intensity

2010-03-07T18:58:00.001-08:00

So i dont blog as often as i should or want to or am bugged to but things seem to be daunting me these days. lately i cant even imagine how to say something or what to say. like nothing but chaos sometimes organized sometimes not is going on around here. so here is the basic update.

Nate: still so busy coaching stock's wrestling team and with work for which we are so grateful for. He still has some kitchen projects (after our recent tear apart the kitchen new appliance fiasco) to finish before we hit the outside of the house hard to get that finished up soon so we dont look so ghetto. he is healthy and happy.
nate would tell you that he got seriously validated by saylor this weekend. at clinic they ask the parents a series of questions every time. sort of generic stuff but they always ask who the primary caregiver of the child is. and so i just replied "i am" and saylor suddenly says "AND my dad!" booooya!

Storie: doing great as always, brilliant and happy. growing up way to fast. she has one or two more boarding lessons and i think ill try and take her at least once more this season. she is doing well with violin and orchestra and has a performance this week. so mature and responsible. had a situation with her teacher this week ... i dont mean to be the kind of parent who thinks their kid can do no wrong or that their kid is always right over the teacher who is the adult, but she is pretty responsible and the circumstance resulted in her honesty and her rendition. super frustrating for me as a parent, not sure i like her teacher and i will be so glad when this year is over! he doesnt seem to respect the children enough to speak kindly to them. or to believe what they are saying for that matter.

stock: we are in freestyle/greco season with a few tourni's still offering folk. he is doing well placing in the top 3 almost always. and this last weekend he took first in a greco tourni, freestyle tourni, and folk. i guess the kids were no match for him. good for his confidence and mat time is always great. we recently found out he is at 9th in the nation for his age on www.themat.com such a busy kid and really focused on what it is he wants to do. i cant keep a ball out of his hands when he is not wrestling. and at school he is the most liked, kindest and most popular kid. true leader with the best qualities. reminds me so much of his dad. reflux is under control, crossing our fingers.

saylor ... well for the first time in well .... ever. things feel so good in regards to saylor. nothing major on the horizon. she is more healthy now then she perhaps has ever been. things are going just the way that we have worked so hard to get them to go. she is doing well in school in our opinion and has lots of friends. the whole school adores her and even the big kids seem to gravitate towards her. poo and pee working so fantastic and smoothly with no infections and complications and neuro stuff has disappeared. she seems happier to and so do we. spina bifida has for the first time ever taken a back seat in our lives and other things have moved forward on the list. its very surreal and emotional. a new stage, a new chapter in our lives. i keep holding my breath for the end of such bliss ... and yet i have comfort and peace and a knowledge that this is here to stay for a time.

me: working on education in floral design and business. and you just running studio stems and UBB. being a mom and all that such stuff. personal goals flooding my mind and wonderance as to what is next for our little fam. had a highly intense weekend, or friday i should say that i wanted to share and document. it was emotionally overwhelming, a blessing and a curse.

we got up really early to major snow storm and headed off to pcmc for sb clinic. it felt odd because for once i didnt feel like we needed to go, kind of silly. lots of kids go to clinic every 6 months or once a year just to stay on top of things but we have never been that family, we are at pcmc way to much, second home, but now i feel like we have rented it out to someone else for a while. we got there safely and a little wet. finished clinic with all sorts of happy emotions rushing through my blood when i found out that a good friend of mine was upstairs in the PICU with her baby who had been life lighted to PCMC because of a respiratory bacteria. So we went upstairs to visit and it just nearly broke my heart. Good thing carrie was handling it so well and was her usual smiling optimistic self, otherwise i would have been a mess. her baby brought so many memories back to me but also i just felt so heartbroken for the situation and how we are all required to suffer. i wanted so badly to hold them both and make it all better, to do something of value to help them get through. then on the way home i received a call from another really great friend of mine in the thick of cancer and chemo who needed me at that moment. so i literally switched cars and left saylor with nate to rush to yet another hospital to be with her. another heartbreak of a different kind similar feelings. overwhelming feelings. and yet this is not me that tragedy was striking. while i was with my dear friend nate took saylor to work. just so happens he was working on this kind womans home ..

this is the general primary president of the church of jesus christ of latter day saints. and yes that is my daughter sitting on her lap in her home. while i am off sitting through chemo with my friend. this woman is loving my sweet little girl and telling her all the things that pres monson would have her tell saylor. again heart wrenching stuff! i spent the weekend in service for the most part as i endeavored to help my friends and family around me emerged in tragedy. there are several of them beyond what i have mentioned. i am so grateful for the gospel in my life, so grateful for nate and who he is, and so grateful for my kids, my family, my friends and the very blessed and rich life i have been given even with all the suffering that i experience and is around me its so beautiful. so beautiful.

storie turns 10

2010-02-23T11:34:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was so perfect. simply perfect

it also was very surreal. It seemed dream like that my little girl was sitting on a ski lift right next to me as we ventured on our snowboarding adventure. that was my little girl who kicks trash on a board next to me ... my kid! it was so beautiful but surreal. boarding with mom was all she wanted and when she was asked what the best gift she got was she replied with boarding with mom. tear jerking ... my life is passing my by but its so amazing. i am so blessed. she is such a beautiful smart talented amazing girl. i cant believe i made her and then havent screwed up royally. instead she is royal.

i have to admit i had some reservations about taking her. in fact i was mostly geared up for sitting my behind on the bunny hill mt for the day. she is in a boarding program through her school that provides 6 lessons. she is only half way done with those so i couldnt imagine that she was capable of much even though she had assured me she indeed was.

i was more then pleasantly surprised with her capabilities. we got about 15 runs in 4 hours. she is speedy, barely falls, s curves and leafs with grace! i worked with her a little on getting more comfy on that front edge (something hard for us all lets face it) and by the end of the day she had improved dramatically. she was most proud of our little black diamond adventure.

she cant keep up with me per say but i dont mind the speed by which we ventured most of the day. at one point i was waiting for her and a frustrated woman teaching a boy who looked to be a little younger then storie pointed out how good she was and to do what she is doing! i was so proud. such a good day.

shout out to one of stories BFF mattea for sharing a birth date with her! happy bday girl and to Joel a still missed friend!

update .... see sidebar ...

2010-02-16T07:43:00.000-08:00

so recently one of my closest friends {and i do mean that entirely & sincerely} who doesnt have a blog, and doesnt seem all that interested in them, which led me to i the wrong assumption that she doesnt read mine sent me an email, notifying me that my profile info was in need of serious update and that my kids ages were a few years off. doollllly noted and changed! thanks J .. it feels so good to know that you do read my blog, often times i feel like i write it for nothing and no one. so peeps its updated and in the now.

so little update on us ... we all just arrived home from chaos! the boys were headed to atlanta for the georgia grind. the naughty yet unusual weather back east cause significant problems in their travel. first they got stuck in houston and after hours in the airport looking for alternative plans they relented to a hotel room for the night but not before realizing that stocktons luggage with all his close and meds was no where to be found. lovely. eventually they got it back. and eventually they made it to georgia but first a few stop offs and a puddle like jump of a plan that included 3.5 hours of driving. not ideal when your plan was to get on a plain and head straight to atlanta. tourni went horrible, stock lost his A game along with his luggage and we were all sorely disappointed. but we move on and learn ... flight home got canceled of course because of the back log of flights from all the airport closures ... so another puddle like airline transfer here and there lead them home eventually. they got home a few hours before the girls and i. we spent a relaxing loooong weekend in palm springs, under the gorgeous palms and 85 degree weather. we all got a little sunkissed, relaxed and happy. drive home was hhhhhhaaaaard! but we made it in safety. then just as i laid my head down to rest. stock started throwing up ... and so my life of chaos prevails. we did saylors treatment this morning .. never a good idea and so my morning has been poop/vommit filled and i am already exhausted with a big and demanding day ahead ... thus i must be on my way ...

but PS yesterday was a special day for us. 7 years ago yesterday we discovered that spina bifida would be part of our lives!

2010-02-11T12:46:00.000-08:00

image courtesy of prima donna bride

found this image ... it capture my artistic mind and soul .. says so many things.
Happy Vday to all those i love .. you know who you are!

what malcolm gladwell has taught me

2010-02-09T12:44:00.000-08:00

for the last 3 months one of my goals has been to read {ie listen to on CD} tipping point, blink, and outliers. just completed the goal. i feel like i need to listen to it all again because there is soooo much to be learned from well written researched objective educational words. I listened from a business perspective but obtained just as much personally as i did professionally. and highly recommend that these be read {and or listened too!} though i realize malcolm gladwell will likely never read my measly blog i want to thank him ... for playing a role in my life, by making me think, consider, and strive.

just a touch of what i walked away with ..

Tipping Point: relationships, networking with the right peeps like mavens are the key to reaching that pivotal point. this one is the reminds me a tad of the butterfly effect and the concepts behind that theory as well as the idea to think in the realm of epidemic viral mind.

Blink: this made me realize how often first impressions or first thoughts are more accurate then educated impressions or thoughts. it also helped me obtain an A on my english exam through the chapter dedicated to affirmative action. Most recently i have been thinking about how do these principles make me a better all around person and i think being a little transparent in who you are is so necessary to give the impression you desire to give. i guess that would require some serious analyzations, i dont think all of us come across the way we ideally would like to, but if we were in all honest truth those ways then we would.

my most recent listening endeavor and the most fascinating to me personally
OUTLIERS - this book analyzes why outliers are what they are ... and in reality they are normal ordinary every day people who have been given tremendous opportunity. to me this book is about blessings, its about seeing success as a something that is created by many not just one and is attributed to many not just one. it does take 10 thousand hours of practice from a dedicated individual to become a master but it also take opportunity to practice. its advantage, the advantage of experience that creates an outlier.

infomercial kids

2010-02-04T08:30:00.000-08:00

Does your closet look like this?

i have an abnormal child, and i dont mean in the ways of SB. Cause really saylor is just unique in every way. There are few typical things about her. She is obsessed with infomercial products. its not as though she watches a lot of infomercials either. she sees a product once and cant let go of the idea of its simple brilliance. this child wanted this for xmas and nothing else ...

and she was happy and thrilled with this cheap but useful product.

yesterday was a day of wonder for me. I dont see her the way the rest of the world sees her. I am her mom. I am also with her everyday so ... its kind of like you dont see your own grow, i see her and us but maybe not always for what she is or we are. I admit i take for granted this amazing blessing that is in my life every moment. I probably do that too often with all my kids. We had a really busy day and she was with me most of the day as we ran from place to place and then snuck in a skiing lesson at snowbird (which mind you was the best lesson yet, the strongest skiing yet, the most runs in an hour yet) down to last minutes before i went to sleep i could feel the unique angel that she is a bit stronger then on any given normal day.

she proclaimed last night that she discovered what she wants for her bday (earlier in the day she proclaimed what she wanted to do for her bday which was go fishing ... go figure) so she showed me her closet and said "does your closet look like this? you know how i have waaaay to many clothes? well there are these hanger things (and she starts drawing in the air with her hands to create visual effect) that make your closet look so much better ... i want those!"

the wonder hanger for the wonder kid i guess. whatever makes her happy. i am grateful she doesnt want an expensive wasteful toy! and she does share a closet with her sister and its a little tight on space.

She was cuddling with me in bed last night. and i was just taking it all in. for me even her smell, her skin and how it feels is unusual. dream like. so different. so special. I think at moments it looks and feels like any other kids and i am tempted to say that all moms feels this way about their own children some times, but then i realize i have these moments with storie and stock but they arent exactly like this. she is so angelic, so unexplainable sometimes.

sluuuuump

2010-01-28T18:30:00.000-08:00

ok peeps i know i havent been the best blogger as of late. but i dont want to loose all y'alls interest. things have just been on the stressful side and i will be honest i am in a little bit of a slump struggling to escape. non the less nothing too crazy or intense has occured. whats interesting is i think i am good at the intense stuff, or maybe its that i am good at specific stuff, but the trials i have faced lately ... not so good at those things. but i get that, thats what i need practice with! embrace the struggle, embrace it. so hang tight with me for a happier day!

simplicity in a time of complication

2010-01-16T10:29:00.000-08:00

one might think that because i am a florist that i have flowers all over my house. this is usually not the case. i am too spent to do that for myself, all that creative energy goes to my clients. sometimes i do simple things. like these gorgeous ranucs in a plastic cleaned out medicine bottle. its not much. its simple, its beauty. it especially good for me when i am reflecting on the complexities of my current situations.

i mostly have been reflecting on exactly what these flowers in my house come from, my company. I feel the need to change some approaches, goals, and interactions. I have been feeling like this for a few months actually, i think WFA inspired that. recently i have found myself in a few predicaments. Fall out from a magazine publishing my work without credit and the choices i have made in handling it, have resulted in some hard stuff. I dread circumstances as sticky as this one, i always feel like its in me to stand up for what is right, to be the voice if no one else will and with that comes consequences but more then that i think i dread it cause though i feel it i am NOT good at it. i dont say and do the right things, i am not understood usually nor do i accomplish the goal in a very productive smooth manner. so then i question why i feel so compelled. why is that in me? sometimes these types of things lead to much deeper reflection on all levels and aspects of my life. i suppose its not a bad thing, but its usually a painful thing.

I acknowledge i have made some grave mistakes. including some emotionally blurred vision that resulted in me hurting a good friend and not handling my own pain in a productive manner. i wonder where i go from here? how do i LEARN the most out of my situations? i am not perfect i never will be, i expect that someday {likely very soon} i will be right back to where i am today, reflecting deeply on circumstances. and i wish i was simple. but i am not. so i must embrace who it is that i am and what that comes with, and be proud of all the great things that conclude because of all that and embrace the bad things too, take responsibility and run with it, do with it what i can. and then reflect back on how not simple these flowers are ... look at the layers? yet they are simple. they are both. i can be both. it can be simple, it can be both.

"if you are patient in one moment of anger you will escape 100 days of sorrow" chinese proverb

this has been hanging on the wall next to my computer for several weeks now. reminding me of what i am not good at ... patience when anger. i think its helping me to, and i think i am getting better at that. but i wonder what does a moment mean? a moment literally, a day, a week, a month, a year? i guess it depends on the level of anger. I also wonder if it means you let go of it whatever it is and do nothing or its just that you wait until its not anger and then do something. i suppose that too varies. i found neither to be successful. ill keep working at it.

"to be great is to be misunderstood" emerson
so i have been working hard on some humility, i think i need a good dose of it personally. but i also think i am struggling with my value to certain people, to myself maybe and so this also lifts me up a tad. i realize the complexity of my mind and my talents and my goals, desires, and my everything. isnt that great?

enough deep thought for today ... have a great loooong weekend.

the haps

2010-01-10T21:24:00.000-08:00

i am gonna start with saylor jae ...

she has officially started back up with wasatch adaptive sports. She had her first lesson this last wed. and as it turns out she has grown enough and finally fits in the walker adaption. she did 3 runs. 1 run more then i expected. and i thought she looked miserable, uncomfortable and unhappy but she kept telling me that is was awesome, she was warm and having a good time. so ok whatev we keep at it then. She still has a lingering cough that we cant seem to get rid of but otherwise is doing well and is healthy at the moment, knock on wood. She had a great week back at school and besides missing half a day to ski went all week! this is almost a record! She also gave a great talk in primary today about being happy all your life with an attitude of gratitude. i can think of no other example better then herself!

onto stock ..

we are in the very thick of wrestling season. and its really starting to get to me. i think i figured out i saw nate for all of about 10 min of real time during this last week. between practice and tourni's the boys arent around much. i miss them. so the stats are these, stock has taken first in every tourni except one and that was a national event that he took 6th in. then this last weekend they went to nevada for another national tourni. stock took 2nd. he done good! i guess the way they set it up is that he could be challenged for his spot, and he was and he kicked A. brought home a trophy! he is pretty pumped. he is also struggling with some sort of cold that has taken his voice. i think i have reflux under control so i am also knocking on wood with him that it is nothing gastro related. doing well otherwise, just one busy focused athletic kid.

storie ... dont have any pics today so sorry. she is doing well, took her 2nd boarding lesson this last friday and had a great day and a great time! i have yet to get myself out there. i just cant seem to find the time. my life is crazy insane it feels. she is doing great, smart little cookier, amazing helper as always. recently a boy has taken interest. i am so not ready for this. it swirls up all sort of emotions that i dont know where to place. ahhhhhhhhhh!

me ... well crazy busy. company logo got a revamp...

and there is just a lot of business stuff going on. including being published in every local mag. some of which did not accredit me. some of which i adore and offered me plate fulls of exposure ... hmmmm and a cover bouquet ..

just lots of changes and business stuff going on. need to take an english final this week and then that will be behind me, thank goodness. loving young womens .... loooooving it. needing to board desperately and just finished another huge wedding this past weekend. it brought a great date night in between set up and take down with my girls jules and neens. we met megan and carla at the bridal show and chatted and smoothed with the industry, then we went to benihana and had a fantastic meal, followed by getting our big uhaul van stuck in a snow packed icy parking lot. a nice gentlemen smoking who knows what had to help us get out! hilarious. then off to a movie 500 days of summer ... and besides some language this is a must see full of comic that made tears of laughter stream my face! then back for clean up. another successful one done. i love my girls!

nate ... well the boy is crazy busy with work (so thankful for) and wrestling (thankful but not, double edge sword, need to learn from saylor clearly) and thats pretty much it!

xmas 2009 @ obrien house

2009-12-31T08:25:00.000-08:00

so on the heals of colds and saylor getting over pneumonia we started xmas break with stomach flu! saylor started the sat night before xmas and into that sunday. i started monday and so did storie. Scary thing is tue morning we were supposed to get in the car and drive 6 hours to vegas! i was weary of how this was all gonna work out! The cougs gave us tickets to the bowl game and saylor really wanted to go watch "her boys" play football one more time this year. I was sure the boys would get it, such a viscous virus ... but they didnt. and though storie and i still didnt feel great we got to vegas without any chaos.

the game was fantastic! it was so windy and cold. all of us girls gave into the wind eventually, the boys hung tough but really it was such a great game and we had so much fun. saylor got to kiss cosmo again ... she couldnt have been happier! we didnt do any of the vegas usual. just spent good family time at a non vegas type hotel! love embassy suites! kids got to swim and play. drive home went smooth as well. and still no boys throwing up.

christmas eve we spent eating just like the rest y'all! storie was in a little bible story play that we went to that really made me realize how chaotic our lives had gotten and how the focus of the season was not focused for us at all. oh the guilt of a mother. thanks storie for some spirit! kids got pjs and actually went to bed! no waking up to bug us etc.. it was nice. they did wake up early {6am} but no bug during the night and went to bed at 10, for their age not so bad!

I really tried hard to stick to $100 max budget on each kid. aint no small feet! but finances are tight and i think toning it down a bit is just due, especially in thinking about what i want my kids to think and learn about xmas. so lets start with the babe!

saylor doesnt usually want something typical for a 6 year old, or for any age she has been for that matter! this year it was touch n brush and has been almost all year. she wanted it a while ago and hasnt forgotten. i guess this proves that infomercials work. she was so excited when she got it! but she instantly told all of us we could use it! what a girl. i still cant grasp that this angel is mine! she got a sweet kid size metal grocery cart from grandpa murph thats been a hit as well as a special horse blankie from grandma lulu. lots of tinkerbell stuff too. and i did stay under $100 for this one!

next stock the rock!

this kid is so easy! he just wants sports stuff not kid stuff. so he wanted new receiver gloves, new singlet, new wrestling shoes. and thats pretty much all he got besides snow gloves, $5 year long subscript to sports illustrated kids and stuff from grandparents! i did go over the $100 here but i have to say that wrestling shoes were a must regardless his old ones were falling apart and those were $75!!!! but if i took those away i so came way under $100.

the older this one gets the more she touches my heart. one incredible spirit. this girl really went above and beyond. got us all even grandparents thoughtful gifts on her own and made us some too! she made rice babies with grandma gayla and gave them to all of us! what a doll. she wanted big girl stuff like earings, perfume, and clothes. and she got it. and i stuck to my budget. she is growing up so fast. its making me sad. i want so badly to stop time sometimes. she had her first boarding lesson just before xmas too and she is loving it, taking to it well and i think we will be boarding together soon enough!

this is the kids opening rock band from gpa murph! that has been the hit of the whole family. we have had so much fun playing rock band as a fam and with some friends.

as for nate and i! well i got nate subscript to espn mag, some pants, some shirts, a trader joes orange, a movie & some love! He got me an owners chair {kind of like a managers chair right, but owners!} its black leather with white stitching, so me! and the perfume i wanted, iphone accesories and apps and love of course. mom got me lots of meyers! my fav! and dads really helped financially this year!

it was a great peaceful holiday. love being together with my little fam.

the weekend brought a lot of work for me, had HUGE wedding monday that went off with HUGE success. it was a great one. check the studio blog in a few weeks for pics. but now things are calm and i am just enjoying veg time with my kiddies and hub. girls arent feeling great, they both have colds. we just cant escape it all. but i hope to keep it under control enough.

i cant believe its nearly 2010. i have been thinking a lot about where we have been and who we have become, what we have experienced and with that thought comes thougths about what is to come for us this coming year. i remember clearly the interesting feelings i had last year at this time. the sense of no peace and what came after that. i feel peaceful this year but maybe thats just hopeful. in the end i (we) can handle it all and through all the challenges happiness is still what i feel. so much gratitude too. i am so happy with things. not to say i dont have some goals ..oh the goals the long list of goals. may i accomplish some of them!