so much to say about personal freedom

so this blog is soooo my public journal my voice, what i want to say to the world. as i reflect on some things, i feel the need to have a voice and share today so here i type. WORDS and how they have the power to free you or imprison you. this could be taken in so many conversational directions. but mostly i have been thinking about how words are so powerful, they have the power to heal and bring positivity, they have the power to bring sadness and sorrow, they have the power to make one laugh, and for me right now they have the power to cause frustration! words .... can be misconstrued, misunderstood, misrepresented, mis anything really, and i feel like that is how my words are these days. non the less after some deep meditation i resolve to not let this imprison my words. I choose to be free and who i am as long as that is my perception of positive. I choose to keep trying. i am going to speak words on my blog. you understand me, you love me? or you dont?

Words ... what is meditation? meditation is the gap between words on a paper, between words spoken (as told by lisa brown a friend who meditates often and teaches one amazing yoga class) its what makes words what they are, its the freedom in between. you can meditate on a word (as i often do) but what if you can meditate yourself to freeness, to nothing but the gap? let your body and your mind go free for a time? i am trying to go to this place more often for my own peace, peace i need.

freedom ... my freedom lost because kids are home for the summer, their freedom gained! i have a love hate relationship with summer break! i love spending more time with the kiddos and all the sleeping in and more laid back lifestyle. dont like their constant need for entertainment and juggling work, babysitters around them being home. free babysitting in the care of a responsible adult at the school is nice and allows me to earn a little more moolaw.



this little child graduated from preschool this last week, not just any preschool but two years of disability preschool. ahhh a time of transition brings tears of joy, fear, and sadness as time passes to quickly as we say good bye to those who have been big parts of our lives and her progress, as we venture to the big school and all that brings for saylor, for us, its daunting. its hard. its beautiful.

another freedom note. i realized this morning while deep in prayer how not free i was. i have been feeling so down about life and my capabilities lately. my magic fingers have turned to poo and there is not much that i can accomplish right these days. thought i was just on a bad wave but the wave wouldnt crash finally i just asked God to please tell me whats wrong and what i need to do to fix it. though i have been praying at my ritual times everyday i havent asked specifically for this silly all around make my life better question, but i have not been getting answers to other questions that i need answers to (well thats relative because God knows what i need and apparantly he is or was holding out for a time to teach me), then i profoundly heard the spirit whisper to me that the decisions i was making in my life (the specific ones i had been praying about) were so powerful that nothing less than the adversary would be working hard on me. then it all made sense why all the little aspects of life were turning to poo i had felt this before duh!!! many of my questions where answered in that one personal revelation and suddenly i was free again. I knew i was making the right decisions because things were crappy! lol! i dont mind the struggle today as it continues because in the end i will win the battle, i am not fighting myself anymore, i know who i am fighting now.

LOL

Saylors latest and greatest word of wisdom for you all ...

SAYLOR mom i want to sleep with stockton tonight
MOM no saylor
SAYLOR why mom?
MOM cause talk all night and neither of you will sleep and its a school night
SAYLOR mom changing your mind is a good thing
MOM oh really
SAYLOR yeah i think i will just wait for you to change your mind
MOM i dont think i will
SAYLOR Heavenly Father & Jesus want you to

Next day

SAYLOR mom i want a horn hat
MOM what do you mean?
SAYLOR you know one of those horn hats so i can take it off and talk into it and make me louder so grandpa clair can actually hear me!



this is our silverware drawer this morning. this is unusual. i am a pretty clean person but there are a few drawers i find not worth organizing like this one. why i think cause if i spend a half an hour cleaning it thats 30 min wasted it will look like chaos in no time at all. this drives nate mad, he hates it all just thrown in there, he likes it like this! but its me who has to keep it this way right, so i DONT. last night i was working outside and i sent the kids in to do some jobs. it was stocktons turn to unload the dishwasher. when i come in i find him organizing this drawer with the dishwasher half unloaded. a mini nate! in every sense it seems. he told me how ridiculous he thought the chaos of that drawer was and this almost 7 year old boy got so sick of his moms combogulation that he fixed it himself!


chicken or pig? or both? or just a chicken covered in bacon. i am no cook. not cause i am terribly bad at it, i can hold my own i think but i just flat out dont like it. but DR laura says i should and i know she is right so i have been working hard on this among other things. last night was the first night in which i attempted a while chicken sort of deal. i thought they are cheap, lets see what i can do .... if it turns out good then it will be a cost effective meal (working on finances too!) and so i followed one recipe after searching for the perfect one for hours and hours. after i got all the "inards" out i felt like vommiting and became aware that this alone made it not so worth it. still i had the state of mind to take a pic, perhaps because i really knew it would be years and years before this was ever done again! and this was it just before the oven. besides the fact that it took much longer to cook then it said it would and my poor hungry fam and mostly hub waited forever and that sort of ruined all that i was trying to accomplish it turned out ok, not great ok. thats sort of me right now in every aspect of my life, just ok.

Nadia gets baptised and you get to meet some of the fam

Last saturday my brothers girlfriend Nadia got baptised. This was a big event in both of their lives and in mine. i am so excited for nadia and for the increased measure of happiness she will find in the gospel. I adore her and she always makes me laugh and smile, i hope one day she will be part of this crazy every which way fam. More than the increased spirit of baptism affected me, the spirit of my amazing brother left me in immense tears on clouds of happiness! My family is my family ... there are steps, halfs, step steps,in laws and seemingly no relations and all sorts of strange connections but we are family and i refuse to live in a step calling world, there just family. "family" what a powerful word. that being said of all my siblings i am closest to Joey, not that i dont love them all I DO but joey and i have seemed to bond the most in my life. so as i watched this man baptise his girlfriend and then confirm her with a newly restored priesthood filled with the spirit, i cant help but be overjoyed, i could be no prouder and no more amazed at the path this man has chosen and the adversity he has overcome!


this is him!


this is nadia


am i short?


can you see the radiant rays of proudness beaming from my eyes?



the youngest boy in the family, Kade. He recently aquired a fetish for having gray hair ... not certain what this is about or if the kid even sees color the way that it is. so this is his hair after his friend nichole worked on it on two seperate occasions for who knows how many hours and then me spending 4 hours on it last week. at the end he pointed to my oil rubbed bronze door knob and said thats what color i want it, that gray. Hmmmm? non the less i think its pretty gray as it is in this pic!



my sis jess ... the oldest in the fam. you wouldnt know it she looks great! sis eliza is in the background.


this is another sis kully



and last by not least a brother, hayden and his wife sandy who is blurry cause i just couldnt catch her not moving.

what a beautiful day in my life! how grateful i am!

not a huge shocker but seriously only 5%?

MyHeritage: Family tree - Genealogy - Celebrity - Collage - Morph

i thought storie looked more like mom! thats what they tell me must not be true!

MyHeritage: Family tree - Genealogy - Celebrity - Collage - Morph

Obrien Look-alike Meter

MyHeritage: Look-alike Meter - Family web page - Family history

the other boleyn girl

i just finished this book this morning. i am in a reading wave at the moment, i must need the escape or something. this was a good one in that it at least kept my attention for the most part .... there were a few moments in which i felt like take the throne already you stupid bratt! how long are we going to draw this out for? really other than that it kept my attention. it was interesting historically, i love to learn of true things fluffed up with some entertaining nature, though i hear that this book is relatively close to reality from what i gather. a little risque in parts, but historically risque. good one.

heather

this is my beloved sis in law heather dawn feather o'brien. i love her to pieces! its her b-day this week and i just wanted to say heather .... you make me sick! why you ask cause look at this pic, yes thats a baby belly, you wouldnt know it, but it is. this little bump has less than 80 days left, how is that fair, i am whale like at this stage of pregnancy. not to mention her all the time perfect body, her ability to wear tall shoes all of the time no matter the season of year or life and walk in them like tenni shoes! lets see what else is there ... her natural ability to stay neutral in family disputes and her laid back not easily offended state of being ... oh there is so much more, she doesnt really make me sick, more like jealous! i ADORE her. Happy day Heather! loves.

a silver lined cruise

so nate and i are home from our BIG celebratory 10 year anniversary cruise ... things (mainly weather) did not turn out how we expected, but seriously does anything in our lifes? it was a much needed hiatus that was wonderful in beautiful despite the weather. there is always a silver lining right?


so i am starting it off with this. what does this have to do with the cruise? well everything for me? nate & i have not been getting a long so good lately. and i was struggling pretty hard with our marriage and what to do to make things better. i have a few friends who have read this book, and one that lives by it like the bible and recommends it to anyone and everyone. i have just avoided it for some time, i guess because of what the title suggests. well i got over that and dived in at the airport, finished before landing, then picked it up again and used it like a bible complete with my own personal markings in the end reading it 3 times in 5 days. suddenly my world of marriage makes sense. i had like a trillion aha moments. it occured to me that i had a perfect opportunity to put some of these practices to test on a cruise, low pressure, no kids, few responsibilities ... a good place to break me in. i have never had a more pleasant and loving vacation with nate in my life. i feel like we just got 10 years of marriage counseling in one book. i feel like a new wife. i hope and pray it lasts. good thing the book is at my bed side with many markings and my journal full of weekly goals, i realize now what i must do to get what i want from him. i have already found it to be a bit of a challenge to practice in the intensity of home but i see the rewards as i at the very least put efforts forth. i see nate differently too and thats whats most important. i am so in love. so now that you have read that all i will give you the fun stuff, like how i put that up front?


upon arrival into burbank and before departure out of san pedro, my dad picked us up and we went to see his aunt (my great aunt) becky in the rest home she resides in long beach. her husband garland passed away a few months ago and she is very lonely and sad. it was very overwhelmingly sad for me, kind of like it is for those with healthy kids to enter primary childrens, its just a sad place. it was a good visit, however i was disappointed that she is not being visited by members of the church in her area. the best thing of all ... was my hub! he felt very profoundly that he should offer becky a priesthood blessing and that she needed one. of course she was pleased by his suggestion and i was overcome with so many emotions ... concern about my father and his feelings about this (quickly vanished by his sweet tears) being so grateful that nate holds the priesthood and is so in tune, and just so so happy that he is my husband. service is an amazing thing, i am pretty sure we were blessed more by that experience than becky was!

we arrived in san pedro to a chill and overcast skies that were forcasted to linger all week. our only hope was sun further down the coast. this was our ship second time around "monarch of the seas" royal carribean owned.


i was really nervous about who we might be dining with since nate and i were only a party of two. it wasnt too bad in the end, at the very least very entertaining! meet Nick & Joan, and Ricky & Candy

lets start with Ricky & Candy, they own a car dealership in a small suburb of chicago. candy reminded both nate and i a lot of his sister nichole, mostly in the way she acted and a few other attributes too. she was not happy even one night with her food (not a charicteristic of nichole) and didnt seem to like her hub much (also not like nichole) and he drank a lot! they thought that being LDS meant having an STD! well this was a first for us and i think we will laugh that one to our graves. next onto Nick & Joan, joan is a quiet women with lots and lots of dark makeup circuling her eyes ... not sure who taught her that but i have the feeling she has done it for years ... poor woman. Nick on the other hand, may love to hear himself talk more than anyone i have ever met in my life. He is a retired DA doe LA and prior to that was premed, he also is a ref for JR pro tennis among some other side occupations. he loves trivia, scuba diving, and so many other things. i feel like i have known him all my life, and not in a good way! i am not sure i liked him. he likes to argue thats for sure! i am positive he was a great lawyer. none the less meeting new people and actually spending time with them is always a great missionary opportunity! we were able to clarify what LDS means among many other things.

second day we were in san diego, yet again a very cold gloomy day. we headed to the next berth and toured the USS Midway a retired naval aircraft carrier.

it was fascinating. we spent almost 4 hours on this thing and walked miles and miles it seemed. we both loved it!

early evening i talked nate in to doing a spin class with me at the gym on board! that was a treat. my bones and spin bike seats dont get a long! it was formal night too and though i was happy with the way i looked full body shot the best pic of nate and i that night was at the table and since they are so $$$ thats what we bought!

isnt nate such a hotty! the highlight escargo ... but nate didnt indulge so i indulged for him and got 2! love those snails!

the next day was in catalina ... no off the boat here. no beuno it was chilly and rainy and we stayed in doors! luckily we had seen catalina before. this time around we got the cheap inside cabin. as it turns out i liked it best. i fight a tad bit of sea sickness (even with a perscription patch) but when i can actually see the boat moving its worse, so i loved the inside cabin. it was a bit bigger this time around as well and oh so dark. we took long naps everyday!

the next day was ensenada. a little more sunny but for the most part really cold. we got off the boat for about 2 hours, got the girls cute little mexican dresses, stock a hammock, and some perscription drugs ... no narcotics! just synthroid and amoxacillan. we finally laid out by the pool, in warm clothes, hoodies, pants and still put pool towels over us to stay warm.

in the end, good times, good talks, good food, good love, good almost everything but weather. below is a pic of how pretty the blossoms are in cali right now, obe of my most fav time of year there, or anywhere for that matter, as long as i have allergy meds!



oh yeah and what would a cruise be without funny little towell animals? i swear one night we had a vagina animal ... wasnt sure what it was?

a bell, horse, monkey, adam & eve

a few things i learned in stake conference this weekend to fill the spirit and lighten the soul ...



many of you might not know that there are many special needs mutual groups for disabled youth and members of the LDS faith. nate has been lucky enough to attend a fireside put on by these special spirits dwelling here on earth and was profoundly affected. there is one non disabled youth for every disabled youth, a buddy per say. these youth are called to this calling like they would be to any other calling. i can only wish that i had, had this experience as a youth to learn the valuable lessons that come from angels here on earth, to grow, to expand my understanding. one such choice young girl in our current ward serves in this calling and shared a beautiful analogy in stake conference that left nate and both crying and also thinking.



two horses born, one blind one healthy. the owner of the horses chooses to elect a less traveled option of keeping the blind horse rather than putting it down. he decides to put a bell around the neck of the seeing horse so that the blind horse might know where to go and when. are we wearing bells? should we be? of course this hits home to some extent because to some degree my own family has been necklaced with bells for 5 years now. but really i think this is much broader than this! we are all wounded at some point unable to lead ourselves, blind for one reason or another, who will lead us then, who is the horse next to us? where are we when someone next to us needs leading? are we quiet as to not serve or do we wear bells? i think my little family will be getting bell necklaces (physical ones) as a reminder of who we should be, very soon!


on a lighter not ... a joke!

mom where does man come from? well sweety man was created by God who put Adam & Eve on the earth, then they had children, and their children had children and so on.


the little girl spends a few days in quiet reflection about this idea and decides to ask her dad ...

dad where does man come from? well long ago there was monkeys on the earth and man evolved from monkeys. hmm she says


the child gets even more confused and goes back to mom and asks
mom why do you say men came from God and dad says men come from monkeys?
thats simple hunny says mom .... i am talking about my family and dad is talking about his!


we are off ... to paradise ... kind of ... if you can call mexico that? maybe we will just stay on the boat! peace out!

good things

i have known for a few months now that i would be featured in this months issue of UVM as one of the 5 best made in utah valley. there are 5 categories, food, film, product, book, and of course site. and studio stems is the best site! it was a quiet secret surprise, my parents where first to find it! this is a good thing.
oh and just in case you have never seen this so called best in UV site click here




Saylor is becoming quiet the movie star with several film projects going on in her life, one is kind of a therapy work out video her therapist is making and wanted her cute face in! so this is them above at the park filming during her therapy session. the other is hush but its a church film produced by our stake no biggy but will be really cool and spiritual! more than anything we have always wanted to share her and her magic! good things!