one might think that because i am a florist that i have flowers all over my house. this is usually not the case. i am too spent to do that for myself, all that creative energy goes to my clients. sometimes i do simple things. like these gorgeous ranucs in a plastic cleaned out medicine bottle. its not much. its simple, its beauty. it especially good for me when i am reflecting on the complexities of my current situations.
i mostly have been reflecting on exactly what these flowers in my house come from, my company. I feel the need to change some approaches, goals, and interactions. I have been feeling like this for a few months actually, i think WFA inspired that. recently i have found myself in a few predicaments. Fall out from a magazine publishing my work without credit and the choices i have made in handling it, have resulted in some hard stuff. I dread circumstances as sticky as this one, i always feel like its in me to stand up for what is right, to be the voice if no one else will and with that comes consequences but more then that i think i dread it cause though i feel it i am NOT good at it. i dont say and do the right things, i am not understood usually nor do i accomplish the goal in a very productive smooth manner. so then i question why i feel so compelled. why is that in me? sometimes these types of things lead to much deeper reflection on all levels and aspects of my life. i suppose its not a bad thing, but its usually a painful thing.
I acknowledge i have made some grave mistakes. including some emotionally blurred vision that resulted in me hurting a good friend and not handling my own pain in a productive manner. i wonder where i go from here? how do i LEARN the most out of my situations? i am not perfect i never will be, i expect that someday {likely very soon} i will be right back to where i am today, reflecting deeply on circumstances. and i wish i was simple. but i am not. so i must embrace who it is that i am and what that comes with, and be proud of all the great things that conclude because of all that and embrace the bad things too, take responsibility and run with it, do with it what i can. and then reflect back on how not simple these flowers are ... look at the layers? yet they are simple. they are both. i can be both. it can be simple, it can be both.
"if you are patient in one moment of anger you will escape 100 days of sorrow" chinese proverb
this has been hanging on the wall next to my computer for several weeks now. reminding me of what i am not good at ... patience when anger. i think its helping me to, and i think i am getting better at that. but i wonder what does a moment mean? a moment literally, a day, a week, a month, a year? i guess it depends on the level of anger. I also wonder if it means you let go of it whatever it is and do nothing or its just that you wait until its not anger and then do something. i suppose that too varies. i found neither to be successful. ill keep working at it.
"to be great is to be misunderstood" emerson
so i have been working hard on some humility, i think i need a good dose of it personally. but i also think i am struggling with my value to certain people, to myself maybe and so this also lifts me up a tad. i realize the complexity of my mind and my talents and my goals, desires, and my everything. isnt that great?
enough deep thought for today ... have a great loooong weekend.
