finding joy in the journey

its been well over a week since i posted. how disappointing ... so sorry i sincerely apologize. my thoughts keep turning to this conference talk "finding joy in the journey" i could worry about how to write this eloquently but im not going to ... im just going to write. i was thinking about nie nie this morning. i was thinking about how the best example of finding joy in the journey is someone who finds it in a life that is not floating about in a pretty and easy way. but an ugly and difficult way turned beautiful by the soul. nie nie is just that in so many ways. i doubt she will ever even begin to understand her far spread effect. sometimes we go about life thinking its so difficult (and to some degree it is) until something tragic happens to redirect our entire way of life. and soon we seek a new balance. i dont know why this is so heavy on mind this morning, i must need to find more joy in this journey i am on, this beautiful journey.

i've got an angel

there is this song by jack johnson .... it is word for word about saylor. i can think of no better lyric to express who she is and what i live with everyday. i never hear it without tears welling quickly to the surface. the very thought touches me deep into my soul. today we spent most of our day at PCMC, we did yesterday too. its been a long struggle to find answers and solutions to her recent bowell & bladder issues. today i feel like i can see light at the end of the tunnel ... finally. i dont know when the tunnel will finish but it doesnt feel so furiously dark any longer. june 3rd 2 surgeries will happen in one O.R. visit.


I’ve got an angel
She doesn’t wear any wings
She wears a heart that could melt my own
She wears a smile that could make me want to sing
She gives me presents
With her presence alone
She gives me everything I could wish for
She gives me kisses on the lips just for coming home

She can make angels
I’ve seen it with my own eyes
You got to be careful when you you've got good love
Cause them angels will just keep on multiplying

You're so busy changing the world
Just one smile can change all of mine
We share the same soul
Oh oh oh oh oh ohhh
We Share the same soul

bibidee bobidee boo ball

remember the ball gown shopping? it was all for this magical night!

high heels

have you ever thought about high heels? i have. and today my perspective has changed. last night i was talking to a 21 year old woman with spina bifida. it was a priceless conversation. i can think of no better person on earth to help me down the path with saylor then one that has gone before her. she mentioned something that really was tugging at her precious heart. she said the thing that bugs her the most is high heels. "i just want to wear high heels, dress fancy, and be beautiful." her words have yet to flee my thoughts. a very profound thing. makes me feel so ungrateful for so many things that i take for granted. i started to think about how i cant stand that saylor cant wear cute shoes already but i hadnt thought ahead of time to when it will become her desire not mine. then my mind drifted to my own struggle with my own appearance and body and i felt so overwhelmed with guilt ... what do i have to whine about? i can wear high heels.

studio production ... in production

this is my hunky hub producing a studio. what? you say. well my design studio (where the actual magic happens) has never really functioned ideally. dont get me wrong a lot of magic has come out of there. it does its job, but not efficiently. i havent wanted to build it into productiveness because i had hoped to sell this house and it seems silly to put more money into it that doesnt increase equity. well 2 years of trying to sell here and there has come and gone. and its time to be more productive! so the studio is in production .... more to come!

when its dark enough

"when its dark enough, you can see the stars."
Persian Proverb



this was the quote that headed the first chapter of the book i am reading.... Three Cups of Tea

i have ventured hardly farther into the book then just this first page. i cant. i am consumed by how this is an analogy to my life. things are dark, as dark as they ever have been right now. i find myself struggling to just even be, or to breath through it. i feel like saylor's care is not being managed nor is it under control or going the way i think it should and the everday downfalls of spina bifida are hurting & affecting my heart more then ever before. she seems unphased by it all, perhaps unaware of the complexity and depth. i can not remember a more difficult financial time in my adult life then now. and finances are something that really irritate me when out of control or debtful. i cant seem to accomplish all that i want to these days, not even the simple things. let alone my more loftier goals ... and then there is just my self image ... oh boy ... we wont go there but its deeply affecting me and i feel incapable and helpless. i realize if i will just open my eyes and see the stars that light and love will envelope me. i see them .. i do. but sometimes i forget and get lost in the deep vast darkness between the light. its hard to stay focused. there is opposition to all things and just as darkness and discouragement have befallen me i also have much to be grateful for as blessings shower me. its a strange world.

my blessings .... not one but two recent temple visits both profound and unforgetable. one of which was in attendance of my brother who was taking his endowments out for the first time. its hard to explain how abnormally amazing this is, but it is. i couldnt be more pleased to see his example and be part of his life.

my husband who i cherish more now then ever before. we have been through so much. i need him. i want him! he is a part of me.

my kids of course!

my friends. i have amazing friends. lots of them. and so many that i am truely and genuinly close to, those that i cherish beyond comprehension that carry me in many ways through life.

and the stars are endless as are the blessing. i am just ready for the sun, for a little while.

im giving my work away ....

know anyone getting married? send them to my blog for info on an amazing deal ... i am pretty much giving my work away!