stock the rock

yesterday my little stock got baptised. it was a joyous event. with all the commotion of sort of out of sorts life as of late it didnt feel like the big to do that i wanted it to. i was sure i was forgetting something and that we werent prepared enough. but the day went off without a hitch and was a very spirtual unique day. we really like our new bishop and our new ward and they were really supportive of the whole deal and did so much to help us out and make it run smooth. at storie's baptism in orem we did things the "new" way where its like a stake affair and there is "supposed" to be more focus on the ordinance and not on each child specifically etc. there is no personal program and what not. Stocks was the "old Skool" way and i think that is much more suited to our family and i think brings a lot more attention to the ordinance and creates better stronger memories for the kid. again just my opinion and what do i know anyway.

stock is just a clone of nate. in every way. the older he gets the more like his dad he becomes. sometimes this is difficult for me to take. they make more testosterone then 5 dudes. but yesterday i found some pretty immense gratitude for the two most important boys in my life. i am so proud of them both and my love for them is deeper then i can fathom. i looked over at him and nate during the program and just felt such an overwhelming flood of emotion surge through, so grateful for the boys/men that they are and for my sweet little family. most of the time i think i am doing a horrible job at all this, but yesterday i thought ...ok i am not doing to bad. it felt good.

the program was delightful and both grandmas gave talks. David & valerie took time out of their really busy schedules to come sing for us and i got to hold sweet baby saffron while they sang, i feel such gratitude for great friends and family. music brings such an amazing spirit. aside from the actual baptism i have to say that the most spiritual part was provided by my sweet storie kate. she has been practicing "i am a child of God" on the violin and she did a supberb job playing it. she has more musical talent and ability then nate & i combined. ok more then nate, stock, saylor & I combined :) but when she finished she started to cry and told stock in front of everyone how proud of him she is and how much she loves him. i was really suprised, we all were! and holy moly so hard not to cry. she is so mature and so my emotional daughter, motivated by feelings and relationships and i am so flippin proud of her for being who she is and not holding back!

i also had my sweet little meera this weekend for help with a wedding and the kids while her parents where away in idaho. Neena & meera are just my little sisters in every way, my little buds. i love having them around. everyone at church mistakes them for my daughters (i am not old enough either! but whatev)

i worked all day friday on my only studio stems event for the month of june for a great client kate cowan. so come the end of the baptism back to work i went and up to log haven for a fun but stressful filled time crunch event set up. wait arent they all pretty much like that? yes well ok. then back home to check on the working hub a run to the ever so highly frequented home depot. and picked up a few flicks for some R&R with Meera.

but before my move to movie reviews ... i know i know i know your all waiting for promised pictures on the house and wanting to know how the progress is going. im sorry im sorry im sorry. i promised that a week or so ago. i just have worked my little hinny/fingers/legs and every other part to the bone that i just havent had the energy to post about it. sounds silly i know but its true. so here is a written update that will have to hold you off till i can remember to take my camera to the house, then bring it back to Lo's then download it then then then.

all the plumbing/electical rough updates are finished. we are starting to do sheetrock repair and texture. next will be shelve and finish work, then painting. and then so much after that. but we are getting there slow but sure. i have picked up a killer new fridge, a dishwasher, some chairs for the kitchen, lighting, ordered the front door, painted/updated two chandeliers (almost, and a few other things. i managed to texture two sealings by myself and came home covered in sheet rock mud. nate textured another two and never got one drop on him!

ok so movie review
rented "the boy in stripped pajamas" and watched at the end of all this last night. its one of those movies that haunts and stays with you. profound cinematography, and fantastic at that. sort of a shindlers list feel. so deep and strong. so real. so sad. gives you the pit. you know the one. but i think its necessary to know, to not forget.

8 is GREAT

so the champ is 8 now. his birthday was yesterday. being 8 officially makes him a cub scout. and it just so happens cub scout summer day camp this year took place on his bday so he was able to go. he had a blast and looked so cute scout like in his little scout shirt. we went out to dinner, chinese he says so PF changs and went miniature golfing in the freezing june gloom of utah. it was extra nice to take a night off of work and to have nate at my side as well. growing so fast he is. so much his dad.

update on saylor ... we are having a little hiccup, her urine has turned bloody. its been clear for the most part since we brought her home so this is a spontaneous thing we need to address. we arent entirely sure of why and i dont know yet what their plans are to fix it but my guess is they will just watch her and wait for another complication to indicate a direction or culture her which makes no sense because she is always positive no matter what. and she just got off anti's other then that the kids is doing good.


so i have changed my mind on front door ... not because i dont still desire the other fancy one i just cant afford it. so maybe this one?

mailboxes & front doors

so the update for this week on fam is this ... no one else (yet, knock on wood) received the horrible stomach virus i was so fortunate to obtain. saylor is still doing well slowly but surely. that being said she is still very sore and stiff and moving a slow pace. also flushing her chait tube every night is proving to be a painful process. she got used to her old treatments after about a week so expected about the same but that doesnt seem to be so. it has me a little worried but the truth of the matter is that she just had abdominal surgery so perhaps two weeks should be allowed .. jk lol i will give her as long as it takes. other kids are doing great and just being the strong kids they have always been.

we went to the movie UP this weekend.

i swear i am not prego my ego but cried through A LOT of this movie and i am not afraid to say it! i was so touched by the sweet life and love between the fredricksons. what a beautiful film about love. may be the most enjoyed cartoon for me in years!

I have to say i attribute much of my success for the week to my good friend amy, who carried much of my weight and burdens this week by keeping my chin up and bringing in meals every night. by small things bring about great things! thanks Amy!

and onto the house update ... well first off this is not the first time we have done a full reno, and even more extensive we have built but i just cant seem to remember the demo being so hard or taking so long. we are still in those stages but we are making progress. isnt it supposed to be easier to tear something down? all the wallpaper pealing oh oh oh. i HATE wallpaper. more and more with every puddy knife scrape. and then there is the taking up of all the tack strip and nails, staples in the floor. just a lot of work. that all being said i would say we are about half way done with demo and we are definately settling into construction mode. yes its a mode we have as a family. nate starts to eat 3 times more then he usually does because he is burning so many calories and is always hungry. he works all day and all night and i join him for much of it. we do it together, we get dirty, sore, and hurt together while we make decisions, disagree etc... but it feels good. the kids get dirty with us and this time around storie and stock are helping a bit. saylor lays on blankets and towells and watches movies on the computer or plays dolls.

we are starting to do some shopping. why are mailboxes so $$$? and front doors???? anyhow this is what i want but doubt ill get. i did find the perfect tile so check that off the list but to be honest shopping hasnt been fun when i just cant find what i have in mind.


i promise the coming week will supply you with "real" eye candy of the project!

stomach flu is not fun

so the latest ... well saylor is doing well. i have been really worried that her MACE wasnt going to work cause its not really doing what its supposed to but tonight it sort of kicked in so i think we are on the right path. she has the HIGHEST pain tolerance and pretty much has not been on any pain meds as of late. her mobility is increasing to and her personality is back! yeah. so things are going really well with her.

last night i was up all night barfing. stomach flu is not fun. i am more than a little bit nervous that if saylor gets this what that will mean for the verticle incision and two tubes coming out of her stomach. so pray pray pray she wont get it. so just waiting for someone else to start. good thing was the worst of it was over in about 15 hours.

nate is working hard on the house and making progress pictures to come soon!

this week i dont know what i would do without amy ... thank you girl.

organized chaos

so update is this ... life is organized chaos. isnt it always with us though? seems more so at this moment. a good friend of mine once told me that during her courageous move that included some hospital time she often wondered what have i done? what have i gotten myself into? and i am having those feelings today. except that i am lucky to have that same friend who brings me dinner and does everything anything i will let her do! i couldnt be more blessed. my dads visit was good but felt brief but for most of the time i wasnt with him so that makes sense i guess. he left today and also worked for me! haha. studio stems employee for a day, and in all honesty i would have been up a creek without a paddle if it wasnt for him. things were mighty intense today. not to mention how much he has done for a little fam over the last few days. and prior to that my mom played parent yet again for a few days. saylor has finally found the courage to move a little more, i think this is a big step in the right direction and i think she feels better for doing so.

i am not good at staying in touch with a lot of my friends during stressful times. i need to send a shout out to angi to let her know i love her! and thanks for your patience and understanding. i also miss katrina, and so many others for that matter.

home ... or something like that

ABSURD i know. what is this? i found this picture while searching furniture out of boredom on ksl. its possibly one of the most absurd things i have ever seen. who would buy this??? ok i do know a few peeps who would and i love them but sometimes lets be honest your absurd if you seriously want & desire this ridiculous chair. it belongs in a hookers lounge. what a waist of resources!

so we are home, or something like it. we dont really have a home right now, other then just each other. gratefully we have somewhere to stay! grandmas is getting comfy but its just not home. nate & i agree that we need to come up with a name for this place other then grandmas and other then home. we are thinking Lo's. my grandmas name was Loneta so i think its suiting. its also been a really stressful, maybe even kind of LOW time in our lives. who knows if it will catch on.

the residents discharged jae this morning. there is still no poop but apparantly i am more equiped to handle that then they are. it has been pleasant to arrive to Lo's with my dad here and the two kids, nate close by even though he is working on the house, a warm loooong shower, a place for laundry and more fresh clean clothes. best of all the 2 hour nap in my bed with saylor that was the best sleep i have had in a week. that stupid hospital bed was making my body hurt sooo bad.

saylor is scared to be home, she is not doing as physically good as she did with the augment. she is in a lot of physical pain and is compensating her body and therefor making herself that much more sore. she is fearful of every movement and every change. but at some point i have to be forceful so she will get better.

i am so jealous that my family/kids keeping seeing all my friends that i want to see! they ran into BFF angi at brick oven last night, and emily at the cemetary of all places. not fair.

i will keep you posted. as usual.

24 hours post op

still not in the mood for pics. sorry. this has been a strange trip but more then anything i am just letting myself be ok with what i feel, when i feel it and how i want to deal with it.

so saylor is now almost exactly 24 hours post op. its been an ok 24 hours. she is being quiet anry and mean with little patience for anything and sort of falls apart at the slightest wrong look or gesture. she also broke out in a butterfly rash today that had me pretty nervous. obviously an allergic reaction so we added benadryl to the cocktails. and she seems to be doing a little better with all that. we did get in the wagon and went on a venture to the playroom that more resulted in just another place to be anry. short lived. still medically she is doing pretty well and is on track so far. tomorrow will be a big test with the first flushing of the MACE.

the exciting things of the day .... first we had Jillian as a nurse for the 3rd day in a row and we ADORE her. nurses make all the difference and she is a big part of the reason things have been so pleasant.

2nd my sister stopped by with lunch and since i was alone this was a delightful treat. she also brought me a most needed diet coke! some cute presents for saylor to look forward to using and more importantly a great conversation and some bonding.

3rd ireland and her mom stopped by. man that girl is a ray of sunshine! daaaaaling! while ireland was here elliot the labradoodle stopped by and that was more fun for my sister and ireland then for saylor.

4th my cousin nat stopped by and we to had a great talk and some bonding time also

5th i am getting some work done! yeah!

6th a good friend who is the best cake woman in the whole world stopped by with cupcakes to curb my sugar craving and they are yummy! what great friends i have!

7th last but not least the kids came for a visit and that was basically the first time i have seen saylor smile in days. seeing the very real bond in the middle of crisis is so sweet its so priceless. they are all so attached. saylor did NOT want them to leave and all day she has just wanted people to leave.

she is eating and seems to be holding it down and processing it well. great things. i hope to take her for a short walk in her walker in a little bit.

another surgery down

sorry i havent been into the whole pic thing. its just not in me. i have wanted to keep that private for some reason. today i got to spend a few very quiet and still moments with saylor as i reflected on truly how perfect she is. what an amazing thing. it was so surreal rubbing her arm, her perfect skin, her stomach knowing that in only moments she would be torn open and changed. at every stage she is so perfect to me. its sometimes hard to allow this to happen even though i know its for the best.

it was a rather pleasant night considering nights here at PCMC and what they usually contain. a pleasant day as well. saylor was booked at almost the end of the day for the OR. set to go in at 1:30. she actually didnt really go in until 2:30 so typical. but she was NPO since midnight and she hardly complained. we painted nails, we put a puzzle together, we watched cartoons & colored. she fell asleep about 1:30 and we could hardly wake her to go to the OR. it was like she was medicated but she wasnt. it was peaceful. she basically went there asleep.

surgery went well. she is officially now part pig, the muscles they used for the sling are pig muscles. and the MACE is done now too. she is stable. she is needing a little bit of extra oxygen. not unusual for her and tonight is just time for rest all dopped up on morphine. she is sleeping and peaceful.

whats ironic is we did these things to get her in "panties" and the OR nurse thought she came in to the OR in them (even though she didnt she went in with a diaper) and she was afraid she lost her "panties" so she put some new ones on her. so she came out with "panties" on.

we of course are adorning pee bags once again but also a poop bag too. fun fun.

we are ok. thanks to a good friend we had a great new movie to watch. my head hurts, my jaw hurts and i am hungry. nate is feeling about the same. we are also both just so exhausted. but unable to sleep. i am thrilled that SYTYCD is on tonight to entertain me. and hope that tonight is another peaceful one.

thank you for continued strength, prayers, and love.

pointless sedation

first day update.

let me start by explaining what today is all about anyway. typically for surgery at PCMC there is no need to be admitted so far in advance, unless of course its a bowell related surgery and in that case a clean out is required. this clean out starts days prior with a clear liquid diet and laxatives and continues inside the hospital with the placement of an NG tube to push this nasty stuff called go lightly through the digestive system to empty it. coupled with fun enimas (which seem harmless now that we have been doing them every night for the last few months) i dont think words to describe the results of such meds is required. just know we are all IN the trenches of poop. its not our first or our last time. and its hilarious that nearly every nurse and tech in this unit know us now. today was also about getting a PIC line placed. why a pic line? well saylor has horrible veins and struggles to keep a good IV longer then 24 hours and so to avoid the trauma that is created by new IV's everyday and labs we usually opt for the pic line under sedation or in the OR. ideally in the OR is best but she needs antibiotics because she cultured positive this week so they decided to do it today along with the NG under sedation. nate and i have all sorts of hesitation surrounding this and we also just dont really know how to make the best decisions for her anymore. its too much pressure and to unpredictable. our last 3-5 experiences (they all run together i cant count anymore) with sedation have been horrible. and really the sedative drugs dont really work for her anymore. but we decided to give it a try. she needed them both today so this was our option. first it started with an actual IV so that the sedative could be administered. we actually got her foot, which is so ideal and it went off without to much drama or trauma. but then the sedation started and she got all crazy. she is totally aware and hysterical. it almost makes things so much worse. the attempt to place the pic line was a 2 hour long unsuccessful endeavor thats was nearly horrific. it finally was called off by the nurse anesthetist who felt like saylors heart rate was getting very very dangerous. so now she has a pic line incision in her arm for nothing. i feel horrible, like i caused this. i made the decision and it wasnt a good one. we got the NG tube in but not under sedation. i stayed strong through most of it. nate got light headed and sat in the back of the room for most of it. the room was packed with the whole IV team, saylors nurse, child life, xray machine and xray guy, and the nurse anesthetist and us of course. there were only two moments i lost it. the first time saylor calmed right down it was weird and looked at me and let me cry for a few short seconds and whispered "mom i love you" the second time i lost it she stopped crying again and said "mom, its ok." such an amazing kid. the rest of the time she cried.

so for now she is calmed down and sleeping. she threw up most of the day and evening. lots of poop too. dr wallis is off today but he stopped in just for her. helped us come up with a better plan for a better IV tomorrow and answered all our questions. we feel better about things. such a roller coaster this calling of ours is. i love her .... so much.

two of my fav things

there are a few things in my life that just by the meer thought, smell, sight bring me joy. one of them is peonies. i heart peonies. they are a pricey flower so i rarely really get to enjoy them and i am a florist. while mowing grandmas lawn today i realized i was stairing at a rare bread in full bloom peony bush. i nearly cried. its color is astounding and they are so gorgeous. i just stopped and stood. i have been out like a dozen more times to see them including this beautiful rainy evening. the other ... rain. sometimes i like the rain. tonight i like the rain. it feels good and appropriate.