pointless sedation

first day update.

let me start by explaining what today is all about anyway. typically for surgery at PCMC there is no need to be admitted so far in advance, unless of course its a bowell related surgery and in that case a clean out is required. this clean out starts days prior with a clear liquid diet and laxatives and continues inside the hospital with the placement of an NG tube to push this nasty stuff called go lightly through the digestive system to empty it. coupled with fun enimas (which seem harmless now that we have been doing them every night for the last few months) i dont think words to describe the results of such meds is required. just know we are all IN the trenches of poop. its not our first or our last time. and its hilarious that nearly every nurse and tech in this unit know us now. today was also about getting a PIC line placed. why a pic line? well saylor has horrible veins and struggles to keep a good IV longer then 24 hours and so to avoid the trauma that is created by new IV's everyday and labs we usually opt for the pic line under sedation or in the OR. ideally in the OR is best but she needs antibiotics because she cultured positive this week so they decided to do it today along with the NG under sedation. nate and i have all sorts of hesitation surrounding this and we also just dont really know how to make the best decisions for her anymore. its too much pressure and to unpredictable. our last 3-5 experiences (they all run together i cant count anymore) with sedation have been horrible. and really the sedative drugs dont really work for her anymore. but we decided to give it a try. she needed them both today so this was our option. first it started with an actual IV so that the sedative could be administered. we actually got her foot, which is so ideal and it went off without to much drama or trauma. but then the sedation started and she got all crazy. she is totally aware and hysterical. it almost makes things so much worse. the attempt to place the pic line was a 2 hour long unsuccessful endeavor thats was nearly horrific. it finally was called off by the nurse anesthetist who felt like saylors heart rate was getting very very dangerous. so now she has a pic line incision in her arm for nothing. i feel horrible, like i caused this. i made the decision and it wasnt a good one. we got the NG tube in but not under sedation. i stayed strong through most of it. nate got light headed and sat in the back of the room for most of it. the room was packed with the whole IV team, saylors nurse, child life, xray machine and xray guy, and the nurse anesthetist and us of course. there were only two moments i lost it. the first time saylor calmed right down it was weird and looked at me and let me cry for a few short seconds and whispered "mom i love you" the second time i lost it she stopped crying again and said "mom, its ok." such an amazing kid. the rest of the time she cried.

so for now she is calmed down and sleeping. she threw up most of the day and evening. lots of poop too. dr wallis is off today but he stopped in just for her. helped us come up with a better plan for a better IV tomorrow and answered all our questions. we feel better about things. such a roller coaster this calling of ours is. i love her .... so much.