where the story begins ...

I still struggle with some sort of undefinable argument within myself about sharing all this. I feel driven, as i often have about my life and our experiences, to share knowing what potential it carries, but feelings of reservation also plague me. I find myself coming to blog and "not feeling it" so i allow myself to not do it, until that is i feel so inclined, so i guess this story will progress as it so inclines me or perhaps as inspiration comes to do so. {and then there is of course the issue of having the time :}

It really starts way back, eight years in fact, in this place ... UCSF medical center. Ok so maybe not, but this place really symbolizes the beginnings of baby #4 for me. it symbolizes much more then that of course, so many facets and characters that have become me and part of my life, my place of holy, my place of significance.

First off i just want to touch on and acknowledge that i did in fact have very specific impressions while pregnant with saylor, prior to knowing exactly what was wrong. I knew she was a girl, i knew she was disabled, i knew that this would require more of me then i thought i had to give, and i also knew {or so i thought} that she was my last child and that i had to embrace the pregnancy. Its hard to make sense of those feelings now, other then to embrace that its what i needed at the time to make the decisions that i made then, the ones that i would never change for the world, the ones i may have not made if i had thought our family was not complete, or at least i would have been more fearful about it. I know for many mothers considering fetal surgery the subsequent risk is more then they can take and so they elect for another treatment. I can understand that completely. Would i do that? clearly not ... but i understand it. Being a mother comes with some of the most powerful emotions and inspirations given here on earth.

The first mention of future baby complication came just before SF at diagnosis in Utah. After finding out that Saylor had SB dr. schemmer so kindly explained the basics of the MOMS study and touched on the subject but really it was the last thing on my mind and not the focus of our conversation. Later on in the evening of diagnosis at some point during my 3 hour conversation with dr shaer in DC she also mentioned the idea behind possible future baby complications, again not the focus and not of huge concern to me at the time. Though i do remember them telling me. I definitely knew!

Now we arrive at UCSF! where they really lay those risks on thick, wanting to ensure i KNEW what this would entail. We as you know did not hesitate to participate and shortly after being bombarded with mounds of info {equating to an instant medical degree} dove right into fetal surgery. Someone must of told me after surgery at some point that i did indeed end up with a vertical incision rather then the more ideal but unlikely horizontal incision. Meaning that the risks were going to be of the significance they spoke of for future pregnancy. though i dont remember being told, i have always just known {of course this has been confirmed several times medically}. and so for me that at the time was the end of our growth as a family and i was ok and content with that for the time being.

the pregnancy only progressed another 6 weeks when my water broke at my incision i believe. man that was a painful time full of scary things. delivery at 29 weeks was terrifying! i didnt make it far ... my body just wouldnt hold it together. I had no desire to trust it to hold anything subsequent together, i felt and was blessed that it got saylor to a gestation that would allow her survival.

fast forward a few years .... i think saylor was about 3 when the angst started to hit me. initially i did not even want to consider actually having one myself, so we or rather i started to look into adoption, nate just was a good supporter of not killing the dream knowing that really it wasnt right for us and the timing was off. most of my search ended dead for one reason or another. then i began to chat with the UCSF docs about possibly attempting another pregnancy, few {but some} were supportive, others were very frank and realistic with me but willing to explore it, others were flat out blunt that it wasnt a good idea. and so i toyed and toyed for years all the time with an IUD in so not entirely serious enough to really do anything, fear plagued me. and for nate he just couldnt see how we could take care of a baby and saylor, and he was right .... back then, we couldnt, and even now the misery of saylors last serious visit alone pregnant reminded me how difficult this is going to be! he sees it more clearly not as affected by emotion and mother instinct. still right in many regards.

THEN {when saylor was a little more then 5} dr ball my trusted and befriended OB/Maternal fetal medicine doc from UCSF moved to Utah and started practicing. A sign right? Well i thought so! So then again i began the process of working this through, praying, attending the temple all those things. And i even went so far as to have my IUD removed. Ok so it was expired so it kind of forced me too, but i elected to not have another placed. this lasted about a month before panic set in and i wondered what on earth i was doing and how could i be so insane to think this was what Heavenly Father wanted or that it was something i was physically, emotionally capable of?! SO only a month later IUD back in :)

so how did we get to where we are at today? well perhaps that will come in the next installment.

love, Audrey