"when its dark enough, you can see the stars."
this was the quote that headed the first chapter of the book i am reading.... Three Cups of Tea
i have ventured hardly farther into the book then just this first page. i cant. i am consumed by how this is an analogy to my life. things are dark, as dark as they ever have been right now. i find myself struggling to just even be, or to breath through it. i feel like saylor's care is not being managed nor is it under control or going the way i think it should and the everday downfalls of spina bifida are hurting & affecting my heart more then ever before. she seems unphased by it all, perhaps unaware of the complexity and depth. i can not remember a more difficult financial time in my adult life then now. and finances are something that really irritate me when out of control or debtful. i cant seem to accomplish all that i want to these days, not even the simple things. let alone my more loftier goals ... and then there is just my self image ... oh boy ... we wont go there but its deeply affecting me and i feel incapable and helpless. i realize if i will just open my eyes and see the stars that light and love will envelope me. i see them .. i do. but sometimes i forget and get lost in the deep vast darkness between the light. its hard to stay focused. there is opposition to all things and just as darkness and discouragement have befallen me i also have much to be grateful for as blessings shower me. its a strange world.
my blessings .... not one but two recent temple visits both profound and unforgetable. one of which was in attendance of my brother who was taking his endowments out for the first time. its hard to explain how abnormally amazing this is, but it is. i couldnt be more pleased to see his example and be part of his life.
my husband who i cherish more now then ever before. we have been through so much. i need him. i want him! he is a part of me.
my kids of course!
my friends. i have amazing friends. lots of them. and so many that i am truely and genuinly close to, those that i cherish beyond comprehension that carry me in many ways through life.
and the stars are endless as are the blessing. i am just ready for the sun, for a little while.