House arrest

This post is long overdo, i fully intended to write about these things before now, our lives are so full of things to write about and share, i cannot keep up! so here it goes ... though its a little dated!





As you might assume from the previous post coming home with accessories initially did not feel overwhelming, and let me just say up front even though it became overwhelming i of course would still have rather of come home, i would take any sweet child of mine at home over the hospital any day regardless of the situation.

It took some serious adjustment to deal with all the tanks, tubing, and monitors. Not anything like having a healthy newborn at home. We have experienced a good deal of fun accessories of this type at home but believe it or not, not this particular kind! I soon realized that the baby was not at all mobile. I couldn't carry him from room to room to get anything done or check on other children. In fact moving him was quiet the endeavor. The face stickers were torment and the tubing up his nose was too. constant pulling and replacing of numerous facets of equipment accompanied by even more constant beeping. I think we might also be completely incompatible with monitor sensors, we seemed to burn through those at a rate that was alarming to our home health care company!

it didnt take long for me to come down off my high of being home and crash into the new arrest that i had found myself in. In the mornings it was so difficult to get baby and car seat and all his equipment out the door along with 3 other kids, all their homework and school needs, a wheelchair and crutches and myself ... just for 5 min to take them to school. fun times. repeat again at the end of the day! if i ever was any kind of a recluse it did not compare to what i became over the month of O2 at home!

We spent a lot of apts at dr laurets office as he patiently worked through some serious reflux issues, weight gain and growth issues, and the obvious respiratory issues. days still felt long like they do in the hospital, i wondered {even though i knew better} if we would get to a "normal" place in time. I even felt guilty about my anxiousness and impatience, i know many families go through much more then we do and deal with these very same things much longer then we do! heck in some respects i had been through much more then this, i dare say i was struggling for my usual strength and patience.



our time did come to an end and though he seemed to be starting at a snail pace he sped up and we got on our way. He came off O2 and monitors the second week of October, freeing us all! It felt {feels} so good! we still have respiratory concerns, especially as we head into RSV and cold weather season and he still is very much in a cautionary state but all seems to be headed in the right direction.

Whats to come ... well the most darling ever newborn pics from the craziest newborn shoot ever & 2 month old stats!

On a side note: our sweet saylor has also been dealing with some serious health challenges as of late. Our period of rest and stabilization with her has ended. She gets admitted to PCMC tomorrow and will have surgery on tue the 22nd. should be a fun thanksgiving in the hospital. a first for our little family. I can think of no better way to spend at least one gratitude day in my life, i have so much to be thankful for! i will update fb with her condition and eventually the blog.

much love.

nox & his birth story {part 2} - the NICU

As much as it is to be expected at this point that our baby would end up in this challenged area of the hospital, its still an emotional struggle and a disappointment. We had a great deal of NICU experience under our belt prior to this, a little bit with the two older kids, and months worth with saylor, so I expected to be able to get through a little breathing challenge like a breeze. Not so.

We carefully selected our delivery hospital and OB. So much so that it greatly inconvenienced us as all of those services were in slc and we were in provo. We knew that there were very few docs willing and actually capable of taking on the risks that we had to offer with a pregnancy and we wanted someone familiar and comfortable. With dr ball {our fetal surgery UCSF OB} at st marks, the decision was a no brainer! But the NICU brought that choice all into a different perspective and really made me acquire some serious second thoughts.

Pretty quickly we felt unwelcome in the NICU and unaware of what was going on with Nox. The nurses were not comforting or kind, they were pushy and obtrusive and made us feel not welcome there. There was no level of communication with the neos and or nurses and anxiety began to mount for us quickly. I actually had to seek out the neo and demand info and a care plan. Though over the week we were delighted to have a good warm nurse here and there things didnt get much better. I felt imprisoned and depressed. There came a sense about the situation that he wasnt ours and that we could not and should not be involved in the decisions behind his care. Granted i was sensitive and emotional but people i wasnt flying blind here, been there, done that, i knew what my previous experiences had been. This was such a far cry from UCSF, a place that eventually grew to be part of our souls and our home! We were dumbfounded and unsure of what to do and how to handle it.



The situation improved just a tad when my OB stepped in after I told her that things were not going well and that i was upset about several things. She called the social worker without telling me and soon we got a visit and the staff began to endeavor to meet our needs. But it felt reluctant, and then we felt like were being ridiculous and or abnormal or whiny and difficult, one of "those" parents. A really unfair feeling from my perspective.

The peek came near the end of our stay when nate had gone home to care for the other kids and go to a football game and i was left to juggle the insanity i was experiencing. One night at 2:30 am i went to feed nox and found him missing, in a procedure to change his IV yet again. His veins werent holding them well. I could hear him screaming in the other room and over an hour later i lost it! They poked at him for an hour straight, he never stopped screaming. Several people tried and no one could get in a vein. I was livid that they did not stop and give him a break and re-evaluate their plan with a neo. I got the charge nurse and told her enough we are taking a break, the IV is not life or death its only for antibiotics it can wait. She was so angry that I had overstepped bounds this ridiculous place had so rudely drawn, she treated me as though i had intruded on another baby's care. She immediately was defensive. She began to argue with me believe it or not. 30 min later she was still fighting with me and i couldnt take anymore. The stress ruptured and i headed up to my room to take a moment to remove myself and call nate to determine how to handle this.

nate usually is the lower key individual in these circumstances. Urging me to be patient and not judgmental to look at things in other perspectives. When it comes to medical stuff its usually me armed with the knowledge and communication. not this time. When i got off the phone i thought things were no different, that i would have to figure out how to fix this despite that i felt emotionally out of my element and uncomfortable as all get out. to my surprise nate was determined to resolve this as he sat home filled with anger about the situation. he called the hospital and demanded to talk with the charge nurse who fought with me and hospital administration. it did not take very long for people to start coming to my room with apologies. The next day i felt a peace in a plan and clear constructive communication. I still felt unwelcome and even more like the parent everyone hates while i visited the NICU but i felt comfort in nates support and a turn around of care.

It became evident that they wanted to get rid of us as much as we wanted to leave. and that one helpful staff member, the social worker began to step in. So they arranged for some home health care and a way for us to go home even though Nox was not entirely ready.

Only 24 hours later I took my son home on oxygen and monitors. I felt like i truly was being released from prison. I cant even begin to explain the strange and unfamiliar emotions i felt. the release and happiness. the feeling that he finally was mine! A week that felt like a year! I have been there before, we have done 20 surgeries alone on saylor in addition to the NICU stays. I know how taxing a hospital room can be. But this, this was so far from pleasant the feelings were extreme. {little did i know that i was moving from maximum security to at home arrest.} either way it was a much better situation and i was delighted to have my little man back full time and be able to delight in the little things, like a shower in my shower and my kids surrounding me and a familiar place to rest my head.

more on at home arrest to come ...

nox & his birth story {part 1}

Having a planned c-section was a very surreal and strange experience of emotions for me. I never really got to the place were I was 100% ready to relinquish the experience and the miracle. It felt strange to me that it was over and I had done what I set out to do. I had never before felt that way, the 3 others ended with an embrace and immense relief to be emptied and were a bit unplanned when it all ended. This experience allowed for a good deal of planning and contemplation, something foreign and somewhat unexpected. We in fact MADE it to our destination of 36 weeks, there I was at that destination with a strong and big baby suddenly filled with a bit of sadness that it was over and immense happiness and anticipation as I reflected on my little man and his new presence in my life, and the possibility of a more normal experience.

Driving to a planned delivery, knowing that what was inside of me was about to come out with calmness and not much intensity was a new emotion for me. After we arrived at the hospital and the process began I was overcome with tears and anxiety as I got a little nervous for surgery and felt that the time was fleeting too fast and was not adequate for me to experience it all. The minutes raced by and soon I was in the OR delivering a little man. He came out screaming and BIG for his gestation. and with a full head of dark hair! something very unusual for us!

Nox Heleman O'Brien - 8:15 am September 14th 2011 6lbs 8 oz.



the sadness then fleeted and happiness filled my soul and excitement that he was big and healthy and hope, i filled with hope that this one would not go to the NICU and would room with us and go home with us! In just moments my expectations hit really high and out of control and just as fast as they soared they came crashing down as he began to struggle to breath and was removed from our possession.



Only a mere few moments graced us before he was removed and taken to the NICU where he would stay for the next week overcoming struggles I did not believe would befall him.

The next hours filled me with agony and familiarities while i struggled with the pain that comes after delivery alone while Nate attended to Nox and the intense happenings of the NICU. We almost dont really know how to do it any other way. So i embraced what i know all too well and began fervent prayers for the strength of my son and the team of doctors caring for him.

More to come ...

Beauty & Drool

When I was pregnant back yonder in the younger days one of my closest friends told me about this book, "The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy: or everything your doctor wont tell you" and though I meant to read it this time around {I did read it last time}, I never got to it. But I haven't forgotten the gift that it was to me, it truly has stuck with me through all these years! I remember distinctly thinking "I wish I had had this book with my first baby or that someone would have told me it was all going to be like this!" This book really gets down to the nitty gritty of what it really IS to be pregnant! Because the day in and day out IS not what your doctor tells you. Its all the little things that change every facet of your body, mind, strength, and spirit. Some are less then graceful and beautiful, but they all make up the cumulative beauty that IS pregnancy, the creation of life!

To express the beauty of pregnancy coupled with some of those less talked about things, I thought I would create a unique and raw post for you. I never took maternity pics with any of my 3 previous pregnancies. I literally {no joke take a look at some of my raw fb pics ... } am one of the very least photogenic people in the universe. On top of that, I dont handle viewing myself all that well so this seemed like a no brainer ... maternity pics are OUT! But as this pregnancy progressed and knowing that I have matured a great deal, I couldn't help but want to consider it. Because this IS beautiful, even if its not photogenic. In fact I find it to be so incredibly beautiful, especially considering the physical challenge that it brings me specifically that I wavered my decision a little and decided that maternity pics are ON! After seeking out just a few of my most favorite photogs for advice and inquiry I then flopped again to the other side of the fence and decided not to do it, until that is, my loving photog friend Angie convinced me to do it with a sacred oath of private security upon the shoot and the images. We had a great time at our little shoot and Angie made me feel so comfortable and beautiful. It wasn't long before I was so grateful that I did this! So mixed with the beauty {edited} that the talented Angie of Sweet Memory Gardens captured of me and baby, you will find grueling text about some of the specific nitty gritties of this pregnancy, things a doc would never tell you, but things a girlfriend should!


DrOOL: I picked this image for this topic because of how the two conflict and contradict each other. A little sexy right? Well drooling is NOT sexy! I cannot recall the need for excessive saliva in baby baking. Since when was that an ingredient? It never was for my other 3 and they turned out just fine! This time around I cant seem to stop the flow! Waking up in pools of drool next to the man you love wont likely create feelings of beauty or intimacy for either one of you! Not to mention waking up from a nap with a soaked sleeve or shoulder ... never in my life have I had to change clothes mid-day for this type of problem! Not to mention the sudden need to swallow more frequently while in conversation to reduce the incidence of spitting! Couldn't get more real then that right? Apparently I am not the only one because limitless baby/pregnancy websites list and discuss this issue. Good to know I am not a lone, still not liking this added ingredient. What I have learned: It actually has a medical terminology, go figure! Welcome to the unpleasant side effect known as ptyalism or sialorrhea. Also apparently more common in women with more sever cases of morning sickness. {or in other words throw-up all day long sickness, or in my case even all night long!}


CRaVINGS: I am writing about this only because I think its one of THE most common questions that befall an expecting mother, and I have been asked my fair share. I have a sweet tooth on a regular basis anyhow but pregnancy does not usually magnify that for me. In fact some of you might already know that with Stock I ate a lot of mayonnaise! PLAIN! This time around vanilla has been the flavor of choice. But not just any vanilla, quality counts! Costco has delivered every time with their Kirkland brand vanilla ice-cream. I also have been known to eat a Haagan Daz bar {or two} a day! And for a few weeks somewhere in there I really enjoyed SCORE bars. As of late though the amount of food of any kind consumed by me and the baby has decreased and the level of ICE has increased. I am not an ICE person, I typically like low ice in all my drinks, the cold typically bothers my veneers. And I have never been known to chew ice for pleasure, but here I am chewing endless bags of ice away.


How many times do you PEE in the night?: My dark hours are about as comfortable as laying on a bed of rocks! Actually I was really delighted with the outcome of my willingness to lay on this creek side stone beach. And in reality my night routine is much more unbearable then getting this picture was or ever could be. I am not sure if its my age this time around, or damage done to my inner urinary organs during fetal surgery and emergency delivery, or if its just the position of this particular baby, or a combo of all sorts of elements but I feel about 90 years old with a 100% incompetent bladder. I swear to you that not a night has passed in the last 6 months that I have gone to the bathroom less then 10 times between 10pm and 7am. Who does that?! And can live with it long term?! Honestly I truly have considered a catheter its that bad!


Non Stress Test ARE actually STRESSful: Like many high risk expectant moms as I have gotten down to the wire it has been a weekly requirement to undergo NST's & AFI's. The more I do, the more I feel that they cause more stress then actually monitor stress. Having in depth ultrasounds on the same day adjacent to the AFI has made me realize that the fluid measurement is likely not accurate, so why do it? And 20 min of rushed monitoring does not equate to a definitive answer of contracting or not. Not to mention for me the drive to and from st marks in constant construction helps out my stress level a ton!


HuMAN oVEN: It is in fact true that a pregnant woman runs a few degrees hotter then the rest of us non baking ovens walking around. And anyone intentionally planning a summer pregnancy is truly INSANE! Because this has been downright nearly unbearable! I am just one big ball of hot sweaty mess!

HYPERventilation?!: I pretty continuously have a tingling feeling in my face. Which i have been told is some kind of hyperventilation. I am so bothered by the idea of mis-diagnosis and not being listened too. On the flip side I have learned over the years {especially with saylor} that I am also very bothered by subjection to mass quantities of tests to determine a culprit of a specific kind. I feel this in the calmest of times and for a long duration. I have tried taking deep breaths, short breaths, any kind of breaths you can think of. And yet the tingling persists. I have to admit its far better then the "vaginal spasms" some idiot doc diagnosed me with while pregnant with saylor.



HoW DO U answer THAT ??: So I get asked a lot, "how are you doing?" or "how are you feeling?" And genuinely it is in no way the question that bothers me, in fact I really appreciate the genuine sincerity of those that truly care about how I am. Its the answer that bothers me. How does one answer that question when they feel like I do? With grace and honesty both at the same time? My life is bi-polar actually. In any given moment I can feel elated by the miracle of life moving inside of me and then tortured by the pain it creates. That is how I feel, for those of you that are wondering.

I'll leave you with just those few gritties and save the most disturbing ones for those "girlfriend" conversations. In the end this has been a pregnancy well accomplished. I have made it further then anyone involved anticipated, and without being in bed! {Though not without restrictions, meds, and pain!} I worked nearly till the end ... ok in some regards I am even still working :) and have managed 3 other kids with craaaazy schedules and an even busier husband! Baking this baby boy has been a joy for the most part, a blessing beyond measure, and an assurance of who I am and want to be. I have enjoyed this pregnancy more thoroughly then ever before and in many ways look with ill anticipation to it's end. The movement inside me, a constant miracle and feeling unlike anything else will be so missed and yet his arrival will be such a relief!

All images courtesy of: Sweet Memory Garden

A few Inspiring Young Fellows

So for more then a week or so has passed and I have endeavored to blog about some hilarious insights into my pregnancy, before it ends of course, and I still am in the thick of the comedy! I usually blog personally on the weekends, seeing how it is that I blog all week long professionally. I still hope to get to this before baby comes, even though it seems these days with just a little more then two weeks left, that he could really need to be delivered any day ... any moment. Ill do my best to entertain you still!

But today I have decided to blog about some of the benefits that I have received from being involved so heavily in the athletic world of both my husband and son. It comes in the way of some serious inspiration and touching perspectives of life. Nate introduced me {on the TV that is} to this amazing young man Anthony Robles who is a current national champ out of Arizona in the college wrestling world. Whats amazing about him, he was born with only one leg! He recently was the recipient of the Jimmy V award at the Espy's. His speech was nothing short of inspiring and touching, I particularly find his mom to be a stunning inspiration to me. Its so hard to watch sometimes, being a mom is truly the most incredible and emotionally painful experience to be had here on earth. I kept thinking how is she watching him wrestle? I can hardly watch Stock and hold back tears and stomach contents!

Robles Acceptance Speech at ESPY Awards (Jimmy V Award) from Keith Jennings on Vimeo.

Anthony's story obviously hits home really hard for me as I watch my own talented son strive for excellence in this same sport and as I watch my own little miracle child endeavor to beat all the odds in front of her to become something impossible. Anthony's message ... is going up on our wall!

He reminds me a little of another wrestling friend, Henry Cejudo. A wrestler who beat many odds and became an Olympic gold medalists. A few years back when I was first privileged to meet Henry i was so smitten with his humble nature and his ease and willingness to let saylor wear his gold medal for a while! His book still stands out to me as one of the most inspiring books I have read. These two young men not only inspire my children but they have taught me a great deal about work, hard work, and what it takes to be a true champion. {Henry's book is called American Victory}

If Nate is home and has down time, a sport channel is on the TV! You can be sure of it. And though this usually annoys me to some extend I have found myself pretty fascinated and impressed with all the stories on ESPN's E60. I will even go as far as to say I would watch the program if he wasnt around ... yep I know your stunned right?

I am so grateful on so many levels for the inspiring nature of athleticism and its contribution and influence in my home. For the man I married and what he brings to the table, even if it means I am a lone a heck of a lot of the time!

Thursday Hero Reunion 2011

Saylor was a "Thursday Hero" for the BYU football team 2 seasons ago, it was one of THE most incredible experiences of our lives. For those of you that dont know what I mean by this, Bronco {head coach} has several programs to enrich the lives of his players, to teach them gratitude and service among other character building attributes, this is one of them. For home games the Thursday prior to the game the team watches film and hears about an inspiring person and then after practice that person comes to the facilities where they sign the team flag and the team signs a flag for them as well as spends time with them and their family. An unforgettable day for sure! Saylor is still very much in love with Cosmo and takes much pride in that she is the only Thur hero to have him at her team night. Every year prior to the season there is a Thursday Hero reunion for all the inspiring people, their families, the coaching staff, and the players. It's a private event {obviously} so my kids get genuinely spoiled and spend time with their favorite players, get john hancocks and the boys eat every second up of football talk and food they can get. This year saylor was a little shy, but still had a blast and proves that she still bleeds blue ... like her dad.


This is Bryan Kariya, he plays for the cougs and was also my little brothers mission companion. We love chatting with him, he is simply a doll with a great head on his shoulders and fantasmic smile!


Saylor & Bronco have a yearly chat to catch up on how she is doing. I swear this exact scene is not much different then last years image of this. Bronco was even wearing the same outfit, hat, flip flops and all! Saylor was also wearing a similar outfit :) He always tells her when he sees her how when the team views the Thur Hero videos compilation that Saylor always hits his heart pretty hard. They talked about pink and purple crutches and shoes.


This year we spent the most time with Kyle Van Noy. We actually find his personal story to be quiet inspiring and he was really down to earth and fun to chat with.

I didnt get as many pics as i should have. I was so hot and exhausted! But we ate dinner with the "brown brothers" Braden and Rhen. And they were a hoot. They dont look anything alike but charming they were. We also stopped for a hello with Chad Lewis who it seems we see a lot these days between skiing, football camps, BYU stuff and other athletic events. I am sure this was Stock's highlight because the first thing chad said to him was hey you are that really fast kid from OHS FB camp that was really good ... yep thats him! It's always nice to catch up with our old friend Coach Weber as well!


As we were leaving the team equipment semi had just parked and the kids couldn't believe how nice it was, so they wanted a pic!

Good times. Thanks Bronco and the Cougs! Awe the benefits of living with a hero ...

August

Last month {i cant believe its been a month ... see time is escaping me, someone is stealing it!} Nate's brother Aaron and his family were in town from Texas. And so Nate's mom thought it would be a great time to do family pics. I wasnt very familiar with the photographer and so i didnt endeavor to have any pics taken of our own little fam {i know way to many amazing and talented photogs to do this} and i am not sure that a family pic 7 months prego is really productive anyhow. I didnt plan to take pics of my kids on my own until after the two hours of work it took to get them all ready. I needed more of a pay off for all that work! so i took our own camera a long for some quick shots and this is what came of it. nothing special but a little visual update! {obviously ... Nate selected for us that we wear BYU colors to signify our loyalty!}

Storie recently finished up long course season on UVRAYS and has a little bit of time off here in August before short course season starts up again. She finished the season off impressively with amazing improvements on many of her times! She recently got a new violin, that almost cost one of my limbs. Good thing I dont play. And taught me a serious lesson about buying off KSL! Beware of PEG is all i have to say about that. {if your ever in the violin market locally and want more info or cautions just message me} She also has begun fall girls soccer, a new endeavor for her. I fear that swimming was just not enough of an athletic feature to make her feel welcome in her dads world. Which in reality is of course not true and also makes me sad ... but we do live with a crazy man who lives and breaths sports so i get the inevitable feelings. I also feel like its a bit of insanity to add that to our calendar .. especially right now, oh well ... as i say to every question that befalls me these days ... ONE DAY AT A TIME!

Stock has begun football again and both him and his dad are pretty focused and enthralled in the world of a single brown ball. It exhausts me. He is my only child not looking forward to school, but on the same note is my only child who cares what brand of clothing he is wearing ... seems a little off to me. I do have an almost 12 year old girl. But thats ok. If possible he would adorn himself head to toe with anything under-armor, jordan, or nike. and thats pretty much it! Everyone asks us {me and or him and i suppose nate as well} if stock is excited to have a little brother. And i suppose he is far more excited about the babe then he would be if it was a girl ... but he is quietly excited, as you would expect a boy to be.

Saylor had her first soccer experience last week thanks to a friend who took her when i could not. Of course her physical capabilities in light of her limitations were nothing short of impressive. she is naturally an obrien ... and therefor an athlete. We dont seem to make any other kind of breed. We also were able to take her to WC tennis for the first time all summer. It was a delight ... it also makes me feel so terribly guilty when i realize the mounds of potential this kid has and then also realize its up to me to facilitate it and get her there! She has enjoyed attending numerous baptisms for friends all summer long and her play dates with peyton and summer are priceless! 7 peaks with nate is a highlight for her because she gets to go down the slides and do something beyond wade in the wave pool with her incapable pregnant mother. And her biggest high was BYU Thursday Hero reunion last week. {More on that to come} This year we are trying out some new steps in way of independence at school and with school only a week away i am quiet nervous for her. She is not however. typical.


As for baby obrien ... this is from our early august ultra ... also our last one with dr ball, a sad and difficult day for me. Baby is still growing strong. He was a little ahead of himself for a bit but has slowed his rate back to his gestational age. Though he continues to look a little muscular to all the techs who see him! {If they only knew!} Dr ball has escaped back to UCSF and left me in the hands of my regular OB dr sloan. That being said he tells me time and time again that he is only a phone call away. And i do realize that likely not many, if any other, patients have his number and his beckon call. He has never not answered or called me back within 10 minutes in the entire 8 years i have had personal access to him! SO for now that will have to do ... He did recommend one more ultrasound prior to delivery, but trusted the temp MFM's about as much as i do, so the plan is just to have his timp hospital tech cassidy scan us and call him when she is done. That will be aug 30th. We are hoping for a minimum of 2 more weeks. {I am 32 now} And a max of 4. We have completed a lovely steroid cycle that left me with a few side effects for a few days, luckily no allergic reaction this time. and at least its on board should we not make it! Non stress tests once a week have begun as well. So i feel like i am driving to st marks several days a week now between apts and NST's. oh wait i am doing that. alright then.

Nights have become nearly unbearable with discomfort and a few nights have brought on some braxton hicks and in usual audrey style some vomiting as well. I think both Nate and I are at this place were we are a little bit of constantly on edge, knowing that we are very much down to the wire and that we cant predict how this is going to go down, though we would like it to be scheduled and planned we know from too much experience that life doesnt always go down that way! I still feel not at all ready in many respects. As painful as his movement has become i still really enjoy this miracle and seeing/feeling him move inside of me. Still smitten with this miraculous fascination. We are ready in material sort of way ... i think anyway ... but i dont feel ready in any other way. It hardly feels real that in a month at longest we are going to have an infant in our arms! The memories of the challenge a new born brings fade, this is how women are convinced to have more you see, but there is enough there {vaguely} to send terror through me, i dont know if i can handle this! Yikes! Our lives are so busy and complicated ... this will be nothing short of a beautiful mess i am sure.

whats to come on the blog ... well thursdays hero of course! and yes i did it .. maternity pics ... first day of school next week ... end of pregnany woes ... and likely leaking nursing boobs to go a long with newborn woes! and what would an obrien blog be without athletic updates!