family pic

family pic

Thursday, November 27, 2008


There is sooo much i am grateful for, i have been contemplating all morning how i could possibly do a blog post on gratitude. how to condense? such a predicament. so i will share just a few things that seem most forfront in my mind.

these above turkey gumballs (from the peppermint place in alpine utah) represent a tradition that almost did not stay in tact yesterday, but thanks to one of those rare friends that is so thoroughly true in every way it did not. Amy i am grateful for you today! i am grateful for your friendship, love, and support. i am grateful for many new and so valued friends i have met through this last year. i have been so blessed with genuine friends in my life and i am so grateful for amazing relationships that meed so many of my emotional and physical needs!

i thought today would be a pretty downtrodden day of most likely vommiting. let me explain saylor has had a bad case of stomach flu, or stomach something rather. i have just been waiting for someone else to start, sure that yet another holiday would be filled with sickness for our family. yet this morning we all had an incredible nights sleep (something else i am extremly grateful for) and no one else is vommiting. saylor is well on the mend from that at least.

i have been thinking a lot about the will of God for us each individually, and our capability of accepting it. this is something that i have thought about quiet often throughout my life, especially the last 5 years. i have had to submit myself to that will more times then i can count. and that being said i cant say that i have completly submitted myself, i wonder if complete submission is possible, its such a deep deep thing. yesterday we finally started getting some real answers about why stocktons voice has been missing for nearly 2 months now. this has been so hard for me, partly because stock is supposed to be my healthy child, the one medically i dont have to worry about. then i realized that i dont determine what he is supposed to be, at all! his vocal cords are severly damaged from untreated reflux. had no idea the kid even had reflux, he never complains and his pain threshold is high.the ENT we say yesterday was nice and kind and even let me look in the scope to see for myself what damage had been done. we need to get to the root of this problem to solve it so stock will be doing a GI/swallow study next week. in the meantime he is on prilosec and likely will remain on it for the rest of his life. wether his vocal cords can heal enough to restore his normal voice seems to be a long term endeavor with no guarantees. yesterday i was angry, that we have just been poured upon by trials as of late. this morning i am focusing on the blessings that also come and at that 3 fold! but also on that wether stocktons voice comes back is not up to me, its not in my hands the least bit. what can i do? worry about what i could have done or why i didnt know or how bad of a mom i am? nodda what i can do is have faith that God will do what is right for stockton, that his plan makes more sense then mine!

so today i am just grateful that my children are here, in my arms. that for a moment for just today things can be normal. that we have the blessing of cherishing life from a hollands perspective. i wouldnt leave here for a minute and i am eternally grateful to be doing this with my eternal companion who loves me despite my many flaws!

this song sort of sums up what i am most grateful for ... its lyrics are magically touching and so true. and just wrap me up in how much power there is in the plan!


littlefox said...

Audrey I just love you and I am so glad we are friends. I am also glad you ended up having a good Thanksgiving. We both have so much to be grateful for!

Natalie said...

I just caught up Audrey. Too bad Heather doesn't live closer or she wouldn't let you back out of the black friday shopping. I contemplate it every year, but I never can convince myself that it's worth it :) I hope all your kids get doing better. I've been struggling with my attitude lately too wondering how in the world I'll get through the next two months, and who knows after that. And I really felt like I should just stop complaining and instead appreciate what I had. It is amazing how much that helps. Let me know if you need any more help with your papers. Like I said, I'm kind of weird and like doing that sort of thing :)