so this blog is soooo my public journal my voice, what i want to say to the world. as i reflect on some things, i feel the need to have a voice and share today so here i type. WORDS and how they have the power to free you or imprison you. this could be taken in so many conversational directions. but mostly i have been thinking about how words are so powerful, they have the power to heal and bring positivity, they have the power to bring sadness and sorrow, they have the power to make one laugh, and for me right now they have the power to cause frustration! words .... can be misconstrued, misunderstood, misrepresented, mis anything really, and i feel like that is how my words are these days. non the less after some deep meditation i resolve to not let this imprison my words. I choose to be free and who i am as long as that is my perception of positive. I choose to keep trying. i am going to speak words on my blog. you understand me, you love me? or you dont?
Words ... what is meditation? meditation is the gap between words on a paper, between words spoken (as told by lisa brown a friend who meditates often and teaches one amazing yoga class) its what makes words what they are, its the freedom in between. you can meditate on a word (as i often do) but what if you can meditate yourself to freeness, to nothing but the gap? let your body and your mind go free for a time? i am trying to go to this place more often for my own peace, peace i need.
freedom ... my freedom lost because kids are home for the summer, their freedom gained! i have a love hate relationship with summer break! i love spending more time with the kiddos and all the sleeping in and more laid back lifestyle. dont like their constant need for entertainment and juggling work, babysitters around them being home. free babysitting in the care of a responsible adult at the school is nice and allows me to earn a little more moolaw.
this little child graduated from preschool this last week, not just any preschool but two years of disability preschool. ahhh a time of transition brings tears of joy, fear, and sadness as time passes to quickly as we say good bye to those who have been big parts of our lives and her progress, as we venture to the big school and all that brings for saylor, for us, its daunting. its hard. its beautiful.
another freedom note. i realized this morning while deep in prayer how not free i was. i have been feeling so down about life and my capabilities lately. my magic fingers have turned to poo and there is not much that i can accomplish right these days. thought i was just on a bad wave but the wave wouldnt crash finally i just asked God to please tell me whats wrong and what i need to do to fix it. though i have been praying at my ritual times everyday i havent asked specifically for this silly all around make my life better question, but i have not been getting answers to other questions that i need answers to (well thats relative because God knows what i need and apparantly he is or was holding out for a time to teach me), then i profoundly heard the spirit whisper to me that the decisions i was making in my life (the specific ones i had been praying about) were so powerful that nothing less than the adversary would be working hard on me. then it all made sense why all the little aspects of life were turning to poo i had felt this before duh!!! many of my questions where answered in that one personal revelation and suddenly i was free again. I knew i was making the right decisions because things were crappy! lol! i dont mind the struggle today as it continues because in the end i will win the battle, i am not fighting myself anymore, i know who i am fighting now.