so i have found myself with serious insomnia too often lately. i usually can get to sleep but then wake and am bogged with nearly the same thoughts every time that keep me up. i feel tired, physically, emotionally, spiritually. the battle to fight fear (satan) is fierce right now as we prepare for inevitable challenges. the closer it gets the harder it gets. only 10 days left. i want to hold her, well really all of them. soak in every moment left. i need to be a better mom to storie and stockton then on any given day so that i may be sure their lamps are full. i am so fearful that i will fail at this. there are many superficial things going on that i could blog about ie ... books, movies, cars, tragic ear piercing incidents (k maybe that one later on), just a slew. but i realize i have evaded that on this blog as of late and that i havent been real and raw. this morning (wee hours) i have been reading a few blogs i have stumbled upon of families whose children are chronically or critically ill. i realize that i am not being fair that those bloggers helped me, why am i not sharing like i usually do? so much about me has been different this time around then anytime before, i am working to figure that out but i vow to share more.... be more open and real about what i am feeling.
i cant help but wonder if the way saylor deals projects into me, we are one in so many ways. she is full of fear right now. her pain tolerance has never changed, she has always been able to endure more than imagined, but her fear level right now brings me to my knees and tears to my eyes. it makes me wonder how we will get through this journey we are about to endure without serious long term emotional scars? thats so much harder to fix then a broken physical body. i know that her strength in the past has carried me much more then i carry her, she has been the one leading the way ensuring i will be fine i can do this. this time around that weight is on our shoulders and i am finding it more than i can bear. i know i dont have to bear it, none the less the pain is so intense.