family pic

family pic

Thursday, August 14, 2008

i want a drink ...

Saylor has been out of surgery since about 6pm. i have been miscombobled a bit and a lot is running through my head. through out the day there were many things that i remembered i wanted to blog about but since have been forgoten. forgive me if this does not make sense or if i leave a few details missing. dont be afraid to ask, then i at least know what its you all want to know.

first off i want to thank everyone who gave blood today in saylors honor. it means so much to us. i especially want to thank any youth in our ward for this. also thanks for the continueing good comments, prayers, and thoughts pouring in, we feel very supported and blessed.

surgery went well. no complications came about and they were able to do everything they set out to do, including her pic line. our challenge remains how saylor is handling things. she is so the unexpected and fierce in fear. she woke up very fast from the annest and they thought they had a bit more time to remove the intibation tube but saylor woke up to fast .. so she was a bit upset about that. she is in a great deal of pain and knows and feels the slightest movement even the shift of a blanket and begs for nothing to be moved. she is NPO until sunday or monday (meaning no food no liquids no nothing. IV's are supporting her.) and her doc said they usually dont even feel like anything for a few days anyway and of course first thing she said was i want a drink of apple juice. she hasnt stopped asking for something to drink and something in me says this will be a long few days if she has already started this. she still continues to be polite and say thank you to her nurses and docs even though they hurt her. We thought her NG tube would be removed and it was but a new one was inserted for different purposes which was a bit of a new tool in the box. its to suck all the stuff out of her stomach i guess, they really dont want anything getting through for the time being. she has a tube coming out of her new stoma port draining into a urine bag and on the other side another tube coming out to drain urine from another way so no chance that her bladder can do anything but heal. those will be in for many more weeks to come and will go home with us. they poked her a gazillion times in the OR to get a second IV line in, they didnt do pic line until the end of the procedure. i counted 5 additional locations since yesterday. her blood pressure has been high since we arrived, attributed to anxiety and it maintains to be high. i think that is the short jist of how things are. all her vitals are stable. she is on a morphine drip for pain. and many other meds.

i have had a few doubts this afternoon that i, that we, have the strength to get through, i feel broken for the first time in many years. i also cant help but second guess what i have gotten myself into, knowing that the decision mostly rested on my shoulders. its hard to bear that weight and not wonder what have i gotten us into. i cant help but turn to the Savior, its the only measure of strength left and reliable. i reflect on saylors desire to drink and the Saviors words to his own father to "take this cup from me."

i want a drink ...


Davina said...

Oh sweet Audrey,
my heart is just feeling in a very small measure what you just wrote. I'm in tears and wanting to say just the right thing to ease your fears and doubt.
The only thing I can think to say is, "You are so right." The Savior knows you so deeply and has felt the heartbreaking place, the fatigue, and doubt that you are feeling so he can help you in this moment. He has a cup running over for you...sweet Audrey.

Engrained Emotions said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
pat said...

The good news we've been waiting for...

Sometimes I think that a child's surgery is hardest on the mom.
Remember that this strong little girl had to come to a strong little mom.

Thanks for caring to let us know what happens.

Much love,
tony, pat, jillian and pj

Life as a regular Teenager! said...

we have been thinking about saylor all day!! whats her favorite animal, and color??(im debbie's favorite 13 year old daughter)


its about 12. i have gotten about an hour and 1/2 sleep so i am getting up to trade nate holding saylor. she is still asking for a drink. thank you for the tremendous support.

debbie - thank you thank you thank you ... breath of heaven is one of my most fav songs. i dont think of myself much in that context but my hub does and we listen to it a lot at xmas - thank you for seeing me the way i can not.

davina - i should have kept you more in the loop. thank you for being part of our lives. and blood of flowers .... its just very adult with adult content that was a little borderline for me. lots of detailed intamcy.

Heather J said...

Hey Audrey, I came across your blog today. Our thoughts and prayers will be with Saylor and your family. She is such a beautiful, strong little girl. If you need anything, please call us, we our just down the street and would love to help.

Colby and Heather

Darla said...

Hi Friend! Just wanted you to know I'm here hanging on your every update. I am so impressed with your ability to write so candidly and share your feelings. I think your AMAZING!